Girls, let's brainstorm
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Girls, let's brainstorm
| Fri, 01-12-2007 - 1:12pm |
It seems like I'm always reading a lot of posts from guys (here and elsewhere) who are very unsatisfied with their sex lives but say they can't (or won't) talk to their partners about it.

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What a great question, Jazz. I would definitely want him to continue talking to me.
Actually, my DH and I went through a 2-3 year period where there was very little sex in our life (maybe 5 times a YEAR!). Anyway, during that time we would 'lightly' touch the topic that we had a problem that we needed to fix. But, we never spent the time really working on it. At the time, I was definity LL (babies, kids, daycare, sick children, financial stuff, depression....)and I think he became LL during this lacking period. We survived it just fine, but many marriages would not have. Today, we still talk about that time -- but we NEVER laugh it off. We just re-state our commitment to each other to NEVER let it happen again.
Our appetite is so healthy these days that neither of us could ever imagine visiting that place again. Only problem is -- life happens and you can't plan that. We both realize that and how lucky we are to be in the place that we are right now. I definitely think we have set a foundation and will always be committed to keeping our connection healthy, and always continuing to communicate.
I'll be the checks and balance with sdino. Having lived in an ML for years I have some insight....not sure I could offer much advice, but I would be able to tell what I would have felt comfortable saying/doing at that time.
tk
My appearance, most would say I have a muscular build, and am a good looking man . There were many temptations. I am an ex college athlete, and had my share of sex in college..My now wife says I am a great giving lover . I have always tried to please the woman first.Obviously I am a high libido type, where my ex was a very low libido type..not a good mix, let me tell you..lol
I don't know how much I'll help but I'll answer what I can and hope that it helps someone out there... :-)
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If you were low libido (or maybe have been in the past), what could (did) your partner do to help?
First you need to look at the causes for the low libido. Several things cause my libido to dip.
1 - Hormones! I go through about a week, usually the week before my period, where my libido just DIES and I could care less about sex even from my ultra fabulous perfect husband. Guys, keep track of your lady's schedule. The 2 week after my period I'm ready to jump on anything! That's a good time to ask for "out of the norm" stuff too. :-) Sometimes there's really nothing anyone can do to get a woman jump started and you have to realize that it's not you! It's our chemistry!
2 - If my guy has been ticking me off, coming home late and ignoring me, or other self-centered thing, my libido dies. I'm not trying to withhold to be mean - I can't open myself up to someone who has hurt me, been selfish or insensitive to me. Do things that show you care about her without going "okay I was nice - can we have sex now?" I know it's a pain to be nice to someone who is not reciprocating but it took a while for me to rebuild trust sometimes, even if we'd just had a little spat. I would get nervous when my guy (not my current) would be nice after we'd fought, and start wondering when he'd start pushing to have sex. That tension really kept me from getting in the mood. It's nice to be treated nicely without the "now you owe me" thing being hung over your head.
Now, sometimes if I have a low libido, I will have sex anyway, and having him treat me like it was more imporant to please me than for him to please himself, well that's a real turn on. Sometimes you might want to try just doing things to please your mate and then let it go. It may be difficult but it's really nice to hear "honey, all I wanted was to see you explode - I don't need to finish." That's a huge turn on. If she wants, she can continue things. Sorry, I'm not being very clear. When my husband does things (it varies) to make me "finish" then I am really happy to do what he wants after. This has worked even when I thought I wasn't in the mood.
It ust starts off as gentle touching, nuzzling, kissing then move more to him softly asking "is this okay?" when he's moving to more sensitive regions. He takes his time, never rushes me, always asks how I feel about what he's doing. Sometimes if he lingers too long in one spot, by that time I'll be in the mood and shifting so his hand is where I want it to be. By then my libido is awake and I'm more than willing to continue with him.
If he wanted to try new things that you might not be into, how would you want him to approach you about it?
Put it in to the other person's hands. Have a few glasses of wine, snuggle on the couch, then in the course of conversation say "I'd love to be able to fulfill all of your fantasies. Is there anything that you've ever wanted to do that we haven't tried?" Just opening that little door can help.
What we did one time was start IMing each other. It got hotter and hotter the more we typed. Anonymity is fun when you're baring your soul. It was easier to say things when we weren't face to face, but opened the door to talk more when we did see each other.
If your partner is unhappy, would you want him to suffer in silence or would you want him to continue talking to you about it, even at the risk of starting a(nother) fight?
Definitely tell me, just don't whine about it. I hate the "when are we gonna have sex?" line, being repeated over and over without him ever trying to figure out what made us stop in the first place, or even considering how to get me in the mood. I'm just supposed to be like Delta Airlines - "ready when you are."
Maybe you could write it down and leave it in a note. That might help the person you're talking to not feel so personally attacked and will give them time to read it and absorb it without you standing in front of them, making them feel pressured or bad or neglectful, and if that happens you can be assured that their wall to protect themselves will go up. Phrase it like "I miss you - is there something I or we can do to get back on track?" not "we haven't had sex in 3 weeks! A man has needs!!"
Communication really is the bottom line. You've got to keep those lines open, and all of the problems mentioned in the questions will resolve themselves. If you can talk to your mate, you can get to the truth, and to their desires.
Welcome to the board, Jessamine.
Wow! I was going to post a response but Jessamine said it all just right! I really can't think of anything else to add except to re-state a few things she already hit on. I guess I could tell my story.
I was the one who wasn't interested for a long time and it was a combination of hormones, being tired and not feeling sexy/loved. I had several small children who kept me from sleeping enough. I was nursing. There were several plain physical reasons I had no drive.
I needed him to flirt with me. Just because he was hard was NOT enough proof he found ME sexy. For all I knew, he could be thinking of someone else and just using my body. We had a lot of bad feelings built up and I needed him to be sweet to me first. I needed recent memories of happy times together before I could feel attracted to him. I needed to be in a ROMANTIC relationship with him.
I actually saved my marriage by reading romance novels. Dh and I had gotten so bitter toward each other that we couldn't get back the feelings we had originally felt. One person has to make the first move toward being lovable again and neither of us could keep it up long enough for the other one to trust us... UNTIL I picked romance novels back up and suddenly I remembered all those feelings again.
If dh was icky to me I just ignored him and went off with my book. The book would revive my desire to have a real love and when I saw him again I was strong enough to keep trying. I even used cute, sexy lines from dialogue in the books to flirt with him because I couldn't come up with anything flirty myself. I had lost all of those feelings that make those things come to mind. By flirting with him constantly I gained his trust back enough that he finally started flirting back with me and over the next months we got back to a real life romance that an author would love to write about. By treating dh like a hero I gave him the desire to be one and he stepped right up to it! He always had the potential, he had lost the desire to try.
We had gotten into a pattern that most of the time leads inexorably to divorce. My emotions needed to feed off of SOMETHING and he wasn't going to be able to give it to me because of my past behavior. By putting him in the hero's place I was doing the same thing a hypnotist would do to change my feelings. It worked with my subconscious mind to create positive memories with dh. It worked to bring back the love we had started out with.
I think jessamine had some very good points.
When I had no libido due to the shot, I couldn't even stand my ex touching me for any reason, let alone have sex with him. I think the biggest thing was that I always knew that when he approached me for a cuddle, that there was an underlying intention with him - that it wasn't just because he wanted a cuddle. So it is important to be affectionate just to show you love a person, without trying to get anything out of it.
Don't moan about the lack of sex. Not only did my ex complain about it, but he joked with his friends about what he wasn't getting, and gloated when he did get some. Not cool. Granted, the last factor showed his immaturity. But there are plenty of men that do this in front of their wives - not a way to help things. Putting pressure on your spouse because you're horny won't win you any favours.
If it's not just the sex that bothers you - if there are other things that are missing from your relationship, like lack of general affection and passion, then play these up first - let the sex issue be secondary to that. Sometimes you have to go right back to the basics to fire the relationship back up again. Put romance back into the relationship and build the trust up between you and your partner.
Trust is key if you want to try different things in the bedroom - there are things I would never have considered with my ex that I'd jump at the opportunity to do with SO. Be knowledgeable before you bring it up - giving the sense that you're confident about what you're doing, and that you've assessed the risks, and that it's not just something you saw in a porn film and thought would be cool to try.
Communication is so important - I've just learned myself that sometimes the easiest way is to write it down in a letter. It gives you time to think carefully about how to word what you want to say. It also means your partner can't jump to the defensive before you've finished a sentence, and will take the time to get to the end. Give them some space to process things, and then ask them what they thought, and how they felt when they read it. Make it about them - you've said your piece, now it's time to listen to them.
I hope the guys who complain are reading this thread--and more importantly, paying attention to what everybody's saying.
Everybody's free to vent here--it's one of the things the board is good for--but you also have to
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