Have you ever fell hard for a cyber pal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Have you ever fell hard for a cyber pal.
86
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 8:08pm
I have recently started having a cyber relationship with someone. Its fun and highly erotic but latley have started having strong feelings toward her. We are very far apart so acting out any of our fantisys would be next to impossible. How do you handle the emotions that come along with it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 10:16pm

Yes it makes total sense.

Sometimes we just can't have a win win situation. We can't make our spouses understand what is not in their experiential bank of knowledge. In the past, I've come across people telling me to talk with my husband, tell him what my needs are, etc.... Well, I have and have encountered two issues. Him just not listening (tuning me out) and just not getting me, being unable to comprehend.

What I tell people is that there is much good in my marriage, neither of us wants to throw that away, but I need something else and I have sought it out. When I get attached to someone it isn't because we try to get close, we just do because we are good fits for each other and have something to offer the other.

I was raised to believe that infidelity was a mortal sin, trust me that getting past that was a hurdle, but I will not feel guilty for feeling content.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 10:54pm

Thank you again, morsegal and justhorndog for affirming my feelings, even though that was not your purpose. What both of you wrote, especially about talking to you spouse, could have been written by me. I have talked until I just decided that she did not "get" me and would never get me. We have many good things in our marriage - we are very good friends, we share wonderful children whom we raised successfully to be college graduates (one with a Master in Marriage and Family Counseling...LOL...God DOES have a sense of humor) and who have good marriages as far as I can tell. We have like interests in most things except sex. If we made love once a month, she seemed to think she was a nymphomaniac. So I was pretty ripe for an online relationship. After several starts and stops, I discovered a woman who became my best friend. She would be that and I would be hers if we have never met. When we did meet, we both realized that there was a certain danger there with both of us being married. She has had several affairs and I never had. But about a year ago we spent the night together and the emotions that we had shared online spilled over into the physical. It was wonderful and somewhat suprising to both of us.
Again, some, maybe most, would say this is wrong. But I am responsible for my life and it is ok for now.
Thank you both for sharing your heart. One reason I like this Message Board.

Jerry

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 3:33am

Hi horndog,
I just read a lot of the user's responses to your situation. The advice is all very unique and everyone has their own take on how you should approach the issue, so you definitely have some food for thought, and a lot of possible paths to take. I just want to say this though, remember that your spouse is not going to be like everyone else's. All of our SO's are different, if they weren't we'd all be reading the same handbook of operation for them. In your case, and I could be wrong, it sounds like you feel torn about these feelings and don't necessarily know if what you're doing is right. For some people, they may feel it's right for them, and for it others, if they feel guilty, then they should probably follow their instincts and stop. For the most part, your intuition won't lead your wrong. Just because there are some who's spouses won't listen to them, don't understand them and won't budge when it comes to making their sex life more exciting and intimate (which I do feel for these people when that happens), that DOESN'T mean that yours will. I mean obviously if you've been talking to another woman intimately on online, then she deserves to know about it.

I think that once you've started questioning yourself, then it's time to put this thing on hold and see what can be done for preserving your marriage before taking it any further. I really encourage you to talk to your wife. Don't be afraid to do this, the worst thing before talking to your spouse about something like this is fearing the anger and hurt that they're going to feel towards you. Most of us don't want to deal with that guilt, however if you don't face it head on, then it's going to eat you alive and you won't be able to enjoy either relationship you're involved to its fullest. I think it's important for you to let your wife know that you do love her, and you only wanted to be sexual with her, but that her rejecting your advances and ideas of something new has caused you pain and made you feel the need to look elsewhere. From there I would tell her about the internet fling, and why you did it. Of course it's normal for her to feel angry and betrayed, especially if she's not up for that kind of relationship, BUT let her have her chance to vent--but also, make sure that she hears you out, I wouldn't back down just because she wants to shutdown for a while. In the same token, you don't want to start an argument with her right after you just told her of this secret. Hopefully she will get over it quickly, and understand that her rejecting her husband's advances and pleads to try something to spice up their sex life has lead to this point. From there, you guys could talk more openly and really express what you want from your emotional sex life together and do your best to adhere to it. I think at some point that every couple has to do this. Letting her know about the internet friendship/affair first will set the foundation for your talk and drive home just how serious her rejection of you has become.

Even me and my guy, no matter how passionate we are with each other now, there have been times through the years where we've had to talk about certain issues concerning our love life, because one or the other of us would go lacking for something. Once we communicated and got our feelings out, though a little emotional, it was well-worth it, and has allowed us to keep reinventing ourselves and not get bored or lose desire for each other.

Your wife I'm sure loves you dearly and I'm willing to bet that she would do anything to save her marriage. Sometimes all women need to hear is that their husbands have thought of straying because their needs aren't being met at home--that's all it takes sometimes for them to "straighten up their act" and start paying attention to their man's needs. Also, you should encourage your wife to talk indepth with you about what she likes sexually, her fantasies, things that stimulate her and what not, because if you do something that stimulates and RELAXES her, then she may very well give in to some of your "taboos". There are many women who are somewhat "prudish", but once their sexual needs are being met and they are experiencing pleasure, then they can completely give their husbands what they want too. I would not forget to mention that even though she does do what you want sometimes, you notice that she does it grudgingly, and that hurts you because you want her to enjoy the sex as well.

If you talking to her personally doesn't help, then please seek out the help of a marriage/sex counselor. If you can find one that combines the fields (marriage and sex counseling), then it'll save you the cost and time of looking for another Dr. If the problem is that you think your wife isn't hearing you or listening to your needs, please be sure to bring this up to your counselor while DW is there and don't be afraid to speak up about your feelings.

Remember this is your wife, you made the vows to stay with her in sickness and health, for better or worse, and that death would be the only thing to part you, NOT an affair. Think on those vows, because truly you are experiencing your worst right now, but it can always get better. Do everything you can on your end to save your primary relationship and try to fix it before you find yourself getting comforted in another woman's arms. Although she may be angry at first, I'm sure your wife will be appreciative in the end that you were honest and loved her enough to bring this situation to her attention before it got out of hand.

Whatever the outcome of your efforts to save your marriage, just remember, you should keep your wife abreast on all your decisions and don't hide things from her--this is where problems start--. If things don't work out with your wife, and you have tried your best, then maybe you can look at another avenue, but I don't think you've given it your all just yet. Also, since you do have feelings for your partner on the net, then you should also tell her (out of respect) that you are going to attempt to work things out with your wife and that during this time period, you will need to cease communication with her. It won't serve you any good to begin working out things with your wife and still having communication with this person, even on a friendly basis, it should just be avoided at all costs (that means no e-mails either or greetings via instant messengers) until you know where your marital relationship is going. I'm sure this person will be very understanding and very nice about what you need to do for YOU and your WIFE--this person may even be supportive of what you're doing.

Once again, goodluck to you, and I do hope all goes well. Keep us posted on whatever you should choose to share with us. Well wishes to you and your family. Just a side-note, I'm not attempting to offend anyone who offered you different advice. As I said, now you have many perspectives to look at and different paths to choose. Hopefully you will consider all avenues and choose the appropriate one for you and your family/personal life.

Chakra




Edited 8/19/2006 2:45 pm ET by ayurchakra
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2006
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 1:07pm

As someone whose husband had both internet and IRL affairs, there is so very much I want to respond to in this thread, but I won't. I know that, until you've experienced the pain of being betrayed (and, yes, FEELING betrayed is the same thing as BEING betrayed), you simply cannot understand.

I will simply suggest you seriously consider the impact to your wife when/if she finds out. Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. of Marriage Builders has a lot of good tips to build/rebuild a solid marriage. One of his "rules" is to always keep your spouse's happiness in mind when you make any decision.

Chakra has given voice to many of my thoughts in a much more articulate manner than I could. Please listen closely to her as she has some really good thoughts.

Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 3:24pm

I thank you all for thoughts and replys. I have some thinking to do. But I would like to just touch on a few things.

it sounds like you feel torn about these feelings and don't necessarily know if what you're doing is right.
Yes i do feel that way, I feel bad about it and I dont like the pressure that its causing in my life. But im also pretty uptight about my needs not being taken care of.!

I mean obviously if you've been talking to another woman intimately on online, then she deserves to know about it. You are right, I should tell her about this! But, my wife is such
a shy and easlily damaged person that it would cause great pain in her life. I love her tp much to do that to her! Im affraid it would probaly distroy her!!

I think it's important for you to let your wife know that you do love her, and you only wanted to be sexual with her, but that her rejecting your advances and ideas of something new has caused you pain and made you feel the need to look elsewhere.

I have stated this fact on many occasions right up to the point of telling her about looking elsewhere. I have asked her till Im blue in the face what would it take to get her to move in that direction, She just shuts down and will not discuss it. I usally get pretty uptight at this point, but i know if I continue to push the subject it will lead to much tears and days of no communacation at all. So where to you go from there!!

Even me and my guy, no matter how passionate we are with each other now, there have been times through the years where we've had to talk about certain issues concerning our love life, because one or the other of us would go lacking for something. Once we communicated and got our feelings out, though a little emotional, it was well-worth it, and has allowed us to keep reinventing ourselves and not get bored or lose desire for each other.

I would love to do this, I think it would help allot. But I cant seem to get her to open up about it at all. She just tells me she dosnt think that way, That sex is not that important to her.
I have thought about outside counseling on this allot and have even suggested it, but she wont go. I cant even get her to admint to herself thats she is battling depression. I now what it looks like, i fight depression daily. I take meds to help me im my battle.
I could keep going on this but I dont have the desire right this minute to talk about it.
Im hurting, confused, mad, sad all roled into one. Talking about a coctail of emotions to deal with. Bottom line is this I love my wife, I allways will. Will I stray in my marrage of 23 years,I dont wont too, but it could happen with the way im feeling right now. Thats the part im scared about right now !

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 5:57pm

Hmmm, I'm really sorry for all the pain, and dissatisfaction that you're feeling. I agree that your wife should be more considerate of your needs. However, I think you've just hit on a certain point. You said that she's showing symptoms of depression and is unwilling to seek help. This will be a very important factor in fixing your relationship. She can't effectively work on a relationship that includes you both until she works on and addresses the issues of what's happening within herself. It sounds like you guys have a lot of deep-seeded issues that obviously won't be fixed overnight. It will take time..and more time, not to mention love and plenty of support for each other.

I believe you AND your wife need to seek INDIVIDUAL counseling and treatment for your own personal problems. As for your marital issues, you guys both should definitely seek joint-marital counseling where you are there together. I believe you seeing a counselor and expressing your frustration and pain could help you better deal with what's going on while your wife gets her issues under control--if you're already seeing a counselor, then you should continue to do so, this can be a very good outlet for you--. I've had to do this myself in the past. There were issues that I wasn't dealing with from my teen years that was causing depression for me & problems with me and my husband--unfortunately he was on the receiving end of my hurt and frustrations. Until I got those issues resolved, even during our happy times, we would both be on guard not knowing how I was going to react from one minute to the next. I can honestly say that going to counseling was the best thing I did for the both of us--now, even though we've always been best friends, today we are closer and happier for addressing our issues.

These times in ones life are painful, yet the worst thing you can do is to do nothing. I understand that you're afraid of hurting her feelings by pushing the issues or talking to her about your problems, but once again, think of how much more damaged and hurt she'd be if you had an affair--the effects I believe would be detrimental especially if she's in a vulnerable state of depression. Also, I don't know how old your wife is but, I'm wondering is she old enough to be experiencing menopause or perimenopause (You don't have to be old to start experiencing the symptoms of this life change). Perimenopause (phase before menopause takes place) can cause many problems with a woman's hormones ranging anywhere from depression, anger-mood swings, constant crying, distancing oneself from loved ones, low libido, and a variety of other issues. Many times health and psychological issues need to be addressed before you can start working on your sex life. This is particularly important for women as most of their sexual arousal comes from mental stimulation.

In your wife's case it would probably be a great start if you could at least get her to go to her primary physician while you tag along. During the visit, I would encourage you to speak up and tell the doctor how she's been acting, or if you don't feel comfortable doing so, then make a list and let the doctor read it--most people when they are depressed don't see their own behavorial changes and won't tell a medical professional what's going on. The doctor will most likely administer a questionairre test to find out just how severe the depression is. The physician will probably have to be the one to kick start her treatment by giving her some medication to help her through the depression, and then referring her to a gynecologist (for possible hormone issues) a counselor, and a marriage counselor for the both of you. This may be the best way to go about it since you say that she won't go get help of her own accord. There are ways of getting this to happen. You just have to be persistent and patient. Remember, this may be the worst you are going through, but I'm sure you can work through this. You just need a plan of action.

Your wife needs to come to the realization that she has issues that need to be addressed and she can't keep putting you off--nor can you be afraid of hurting her feelings by asking her to get help--remember you are being hurt as well. If you can get her in to see a doctor, I bet that will be a good stepping stone for both of you. You could also do some research of your own about the perimenopause and menopause symptoms and the effects they have on women. Doing this might help you understand what's happening with your wife better. There are some good titles such "What your Doctor Won't Tell you about Perimenopause", and "What Your Doctor Won't Tell You About Menopause".

I would not be surprised at all if a gynecology appt wouldn't be in order for her symptoms. If she is in any of these stages of menopause, then her depression and lack of libido amongst other things would all make sense. The wonderful thing about these disorders is that they are just phases in a woman's life and can be treated, or at least well-managed with light anti-depression meds, hormone therapy, or whatever her primary doctor and gynecologist sees fit. If you can get her to read those books about menopause for herself to see if she recognizes any of those issues as mirroring her own then that would be great too. I stress the fact that if she does need an evaluation for her hormones that she gets a referral to a gynecologist. Many family practice doctors will attempt to treat you themselves because they have the ability to write prescriptions, but that's not their field of specialty and it's better if she sees a real doctor of the female reproductive system.

I'm sorry that I've written you such long essays, I just feel bad when I hear about couples who have been together for years and are on the brink, feeling like they have nowhere to turn. Most importantly, you stated that you do feel guilty about this online affair and that you DO love your wife. Since you've admitted this, then I think it's imperative that you seek other routes of fixing your marriage and sex life than just taking the easier, and immediately more gratifying way out--which is infidelity.

Once again goodluck. I've pretty much given you all the ideas that I can think of, and I hope that I haven't overwhelmed you (remember, you need a plan of action--making a list always helps) I'm sure that some of the other board members have loads of other advice and things that I didn't think of to offer you. I still believe that you and your wife can get through this. You both just have to be willing to work at it and not look at this as being impossible, because it isn't--you have to believe that (even your online friend, if she's having issues in her marriage, then she can try doing these same things--you'll probably both thank yourselves later). You and your wife both can be instrumental in getting your happiness back. Well-wishes.

Chakra




Edited 8/19/2006 6:05 pm ET by ayurchakra
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 2:39am

Hi, me.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 10:23am

Betrayal, according to Webster...
1 : to lead astray; especially : SEDUCE
2 : to deliver to an enemy by treachery
3 : to fail or desert especially in time of need
4 a : to reveal unintentionally b : SHOW, INDICATE c : to disclose in violation of confidence
intransitive verb : to prove false

Both sides of some marital situations are covered under this term. The one that seeks out comfort is betraying a trust. But isn't failing or deserting your spouse or proving to not be who you portrayed you were a cruel form of betrayal as well, especially when the only reason it is done is because the other is just not comfortable doing it? In some situations there is not a right or wrong person...both have betrayed their marriage...and in some cases the only thing the person that sought human interaction and love is guilty of is being human. This is not true in every situation, but as I have read more and more on this topic, the spouse that does not even attempt to reach out and meet the basic needs of the other because they are not 'comfortable' doing so is guilty of betrayal as much as the spouse that strays. Marriage is not an entitlement to do what you want without recourse. Funny, when you look at it more closely, perhaps the non-giving spouse is perhaps the one that is more wrong since their acts are based on self-centeredness. At least the spouse that reaches beyond the marriage seems to be giving to another human what indeed they need as well.
Take the emotion out of it and look at this from a purely scientific level and it is quite revealing. Just my 1 1/2 cent worth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 10:32am

I agree that when

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 10:47am
the complexities of dual betrayal are not easily dismissed by the argument that TWDMAR. Nothing in life is that simple. Just saying in many cases we are ALL victims and sometimes in life you have to make it as painless as possible. Ideologies and being human beings are two incompatible conditions.

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