Have you ever fell hard for a cyber pal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Have you ever fell hard for a cyber pal.
86
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 8:08pm
I have recently started having a cyber relationship with someone. Its fun and highly erotic but latley have started having strong feelings toward her. We are very far apart so acting out any of our fantisys would be next to impossible. How do you handle the emotions that come along with it.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 5:11pm

Hi,

Yes, you turned out awesome, but your chances were never as good as they were for a child from an intact home. Of course there are many reasons for that and as we all keep saying "it depends on individual circumstances." However, as parents we cannot look ahead in a crystal ball and see our children's future, so we must take statistical evidence into consideration.

Public schools in America have very few counseling programs for children that are not classified emotionally disturbed. However, the largest program that we spend tax dollars on in New York State is one called "The Banana Splits Club". Its targeted for children separated from a parent (originally by divorce, but it now includes military service, death, abandonment etc...) that feel they need help dealing with the issues.

Professionals in the education field have fought and will continue to fight each year to keep the funding for this program and others like it because we see the impact of divorce on children daily. Consequences as simple as being distracted in class can have a lifelong impact. Consequences more serious like self mutilation, cutting, head banging, etc... can end a life.

I know I bring this up quite too often, and increasingly feel like a wet blanket when I do. But I don't work with high school or college age children, I work with five and six year olds and it's happening even at that age, and with too high a frequency.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 6:01pm

Hi Once,
I haven't been to look at the board in a couple of days because I've been so busy. I'm surprised to see how many directions this thread took off in--although it is very interesting to hear other people's opinions (you learn so much by listening to other people's thoughts). I guess, you, me and a few others are in the minority on our stance, but I'm glad you felt where I was coming from about how the infidelity online would only worsen an already fragile relationship--not to mention the pain it would cause his family. Jushorndog appears to be a nice, reasonable man (who seems to sincerely love his family). I hope he thinks this over very carefully and chooses not only in the best interest of himself, but his whole family, as everyone will be affected by whatever decisions he makes. I'm optimistic that everything will workout for him; with time, patience and love, hopefully he and his wife and regain what they've lost. There's definitely potential there.

Chakra




Edited 8/22/2006 7:49 pm ET by ayurchakra
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 6:19pm

Thanks for sharing that with us. Very enlightening indeed. I feel for you when you say that you should have pushed the issue more with your wife. Many men are so afraid of hurting their wives feelings that they won't tell their SO just how bad they ARE hurting, but it deserves to be heard--even if it takes bringing her to tears for her to realize that you have feelings too that can't and won't be ignored. It sounds like your situation is less than ideal to you because it went deeper than you expected or wanted it to go. Once again, this is why the lines of communication need to stay open between spouses and all feelings need to be expressed clearly and without fear--a few tears shed and some emotionally charged moments where feelings are disclosed very candidly could just save their marriage. I'm sorry that you are "passionately confused" *smiles*, but good luck to you and your situation. I believe there's still hope there. It's never too late to talk to your wife.

Chakra




Edited 8/22/2006 6:22 pm ET by ayurchakra
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 9:34pm
No Way!! Im still very much still on this thread. And I know exactly how you feel.
We just had another conversation about it, she still doesnt get it! But I think I might got her thinking about it anyway. And yes I have found a friend, we havent gotten to spend any IRL time yet, but we are working in that direction. Time will till if this grows to a frutfull relationship.. Hdog..
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 5:23pm
I have never seen one of these types of conversations not evolve into a polarizing scenario. And no one is totally right or wrong either. We can only bring in our own very personal perspectives to the table.
The scenario I think we can all agree on is the one where the errant spouse is just someone who can't keep it in his/her pants is just constantly on the prowl. Wrong...don't ever get married.
But if you are in a relationship and you face nothing but closed doors you are confining a human being into basically being a zoo animal. You have fake surroundings, you are fed and basic needs are met. How many animals in a zoo do you see that look as if life has completely escaped them, the only visible signs are they are breathing, moving about slowly, eating and defacating. Now in my door example, there are walls. Those are the walls that keep us somewhat contained into a good relationship...they are the walls of trust and love. The doors are pathways to adventure that both people can pass through and experience life. Not every door can be opened for everyone...and that can be a good thing. But if you have, let's say 30 doors and 3 are allowed passage and the other 27 are being held shut by another for no real good reason except for the holder's own personal comfort or non-threatening reasons that is when you begin to strip the spirit.
And when the person who is trapped finds someone that gladly and willingly opens those doors for you, life returns. It is always my goal in life to hold open any door for my spouse that I possibly can. This gives me great joy! For my spouse to express a desire and I do all I can to fulfil it for her, even if it is a sacrifice for me. My life is filled with such sacrifices and I get joy in doing it. Now some would say that sacrificing my own desires by keeping doors closed to make her happy should be in the same realm. Well unfortunately it is not. Not even close when one really thinks about it. Trust and love increase when one person not only opens a door for another, but holds it open for them and then takes their hand and walks with them down the path they wish to explore. Trust and love are stripped when you are trying to open a door and the one you love is on the other side bracing it shut. Soon you don't even want to attempt to turn the handle of any other door. You cannot trust that the other will not be holding it shut on you any longer and you no longer feel the love that comes from one embracing another's dreams.
I have found that those that do not understand situations like HD's are those that have many doors opened for them and freely are doormen for their loves. Or those that have been burned by those that have abused such giving. Or those that are the very ones that are used to holding their shoulders hard against the doors keeping them shut.
I could go on and on about this concept as I have lived it. And this may not be understandable to anyone but me...and perhaps I have indulged myself too much here. The key to remember is to be a door opener for your loved one and be sure they open doors for you as well and never abuse that role. Don't be tempted by the doors that really should never be opened...but in some situations they may be the only means of escape if every other door is nailed shut. Don't make them be the only doors available.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 5:36pm

Chiming in late, but...

Have I fallen for a cyber partner? No...

Affairs, are they okay? NOT for me. I will not have an affair (BTDT) and I will not help anyone else have one. And I will not judge someone who feels it's necessary to have an affair. Affairs ended my first marriage and the subsequent engagement; my current marriage (almost a decade old) started as an affair. Good things can come of affairs, and having been in some bad places in my life, I can see that they can be fulfilling and tide me over until I have the opportunity to really improve my life... so I can't judge anyone else. But I won't ever do that to myself or anyone else again.


"Confusing monogamy with morality has done more to destroy the conscience of the human race than any other error."
-George Bernard Shaw

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:15am

I just had to post. I have very strong feelings on this subject and posted a similar question a while back.

I have fallen hard for a cyber pal. One was extremely serious to the point of discussing meeting each other. but for certain reasons, that never came to be.

I have cybered with a few people that I never developed a relationship beyond just friendship and sexual companionship. And I think that was a pretty normal thing. Each person I have been with has taught me something about myself. Now seriously, they havent all been wonderful, and a few have been very painful to get over, but I have survived them and become a better person for it.

I am currently in a cyber relationship with a wonderful man who has touched my heart like no one has ever had. He has become my best friend as well as my lover.

But a word of advice.......... treat your cyber lover with care. She could be the love of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 9:32am

O my goodness Avid. thats pretty deep..
Yes I can understand the falling in love part,, Thats just how I feel about my GF/lover.
We have connected om many different levels, its more than just sex. Its also a loving and caring relationship with each other. We talk daily, and we both love to be doing that. She misses me as much as i miss her when we cant chat...
So to answer my own question here !!! yes u can fall hard for your Cyber Pal and it can be a good thing, just be very carefull in doing it. When open your heart up to someone, you also open it up to possible hurt/pain, thats a very special place to me monkeying around and shouldnt be treated recklesly..!!!
Didnt someone say the same thing around here ?

Hdog..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 5:55pm

I have been away from the board for several days. What a wonderful discussion this thread has become! There were a LOT of things I wanted to reply to, but I only grabbed a few comments. This is long enough and I didn't figure anyone wanted to read a book! ;-)

Talbed:
"Marriage is not an entitlement to do what you want without recourse."

Very true.

"Take the emotion out of it and look at this from a purely scientific level and it is quite revealing."

Unfortunately, it is truly impossible to take the emotion out of betrayal. Betrayal hurts, regardless of which spouse feels betrayed or what s/he perceives as the betraying act.

cl-jazznpercy:
"I agree that when a partner that refuses to even try to fulfill his/her SO's sexual needs and/or refuses to get counseling or try to improve the relationsip is a form of betrayal. But two wrongs don't make a right."

Like cl-jazznpercy, I agree with this statement, but there are ways to respond to betrayal which will/may improve the situation and ways to respond which definitely won't improve the situation. Responding to a partner's refusal to try to improve the marriage by looking outside the marriage falls into the "won't improve" category, IMHO.

morsegal:
"I know a man whose wife has other lovers. He has been a smiling gent the entire time she's been unfaithful. One wonders if he secretly suspects and is aroused by the thought of his wife being a sexpot, or is she a better wife in turn and putting that smile onto his face."

Or is he just good at faking it? You would be surprised at how good a betrayed spouse can get at hiding what's truly going on in a marriage.

Talbed:
"I will move heaven and earth to keep that happy home for my little darlings...whatever it takes! The odds are so against them in a divorce situation."

Seventeen percent of divorces in the United States are caused by infidelity and One-third of divorce litigation is caused by online affairs. (I, personally, feel these numbers are low given that many states have no-fault divorce and the causative factor is not known.)

passionateconfused:
"What is a person to do when you have tried all the advise..."

The one thing I don't see listed as something you tried is marriage counseling. In cases like yours, marriage counseling is VERY important and if the partner is unable or unwilling to go, individual counseling is always available and recommended.

justhorndog:
"We have connected om many different levels, its more than just sex. Its also a loving and caring relationship with each other."

Please remember that this is not a real, day-to-day relationship. Neither of you has to deal with the negative aspects of the other, you don't have to deal with the daily hassles of paying bills, making ends meet, jobs, kids or bad moods. Forced to manage all those aspects, the majority of relationships which begin as an affair (which is what you are having) fail quickly.

According to Lana Staheli in "Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Understanding, Preventing and Surviving An Affair" & Peggy Vaughan in "The Monogamy Myth" fewer than 10% of all extramarital affair relationships will actually result in a marriage between the two affair partners. If an affair-born relationship does result in a marriage, 3 out of 4 of those couples can expect their new marriage to also end in divorce. The reason most often cited is the pressure of reality.

The one thing I want to add on a personal note is that any answer/comment on my part is directed toward secret relationships. If both partners in the primary relationship have agreed to allow other parties into their marriage, that is totally different. If dishonesty, either overt or covert, is involved it is infidelity/betrayal and it is nearly guaranteed that someone is going to get hurt somewhere down the road.

Just my opinions...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 6:28pm
Wow... that was an amazing read. Thank you very much for sharing. I don't think I will ever have another cyber relationship again because it is so easy to get caught up in the fantasy and get hurt.

Pages