Have you ever fell hard for a cyber pal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Have you ever fell hard for a cyber pal.
86
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 8:08pm
I have recently started having a cyber relationship with someone. Its fun and highly erotic but latley have started having strong feelings toward her. We are very far apart so acting out any of our fantisys would be next to impossible. How do you handle the emotions that come along with it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 6:46pm

"Please remember that this is not a real, day-to-day relationship. Neither of you has to deal with the negative aspects of the other, you don't have to deal with the daily hassles of paying bills, making ends meet, jobs, kids or bad moods. Forced to manage all those aspects, the majority of relationships which begin as an affair (which is what you are having) fail quickly.

If an affair-born relationship does result in a marriage, 3 out of 4 of those couples can expect their new marriage to also end in divorce. The reason most often cited is the pressure of reality.

The one thing I want to add on a personal note is that any answer/comment on my part is directed toward secret relationships. If both partners in the primary relationship have agreed to allow other parties into their marriage, that is totally different. If dishonesty, either overt or covert, is involved it is infidelity/betrayal and it is nearly guaranteed that someone is going to get hurt somewhere down the road.

Just my opinions..."

Hi Once and Future Me,
I posted a couple of your quotes that I thought were very honest and thought-provoking. I believe that when anyone embarks on an extramarital affair that they are skating on thin ice. You are so are right and definitely hit the nail on the head when you said that most affairs people have are usually one-sided in that neither individual has to be exposed to the negative aspects of one another nor do they have to put up with each other 24 hours a day. This is why in marriage, we have things that we love about our spouses and some things that we feel we could do without--but when you're married, you learn to love and accept everything about your spouse.

When someone is embarking on an affair, they normally put their best face forward, so their affair partner only sees the positive things about their lover's character and behavior. Both parties involved should realize that they are only fooling themselves in the long run. As you stated, if an affair relationship is taken to the level of a marital commitment, it probably could not survive, because the life they live won't be the filtered/thrilling version that they were experiencing before. Both individuals will be forced to take on the good and the bad of their new respective spouse, and see that things are not all they're cracked up to be, and that their relationship was superficial at best.

Once again, if a couple openly agrees to include an outside party in their relationship, then that is fine, but deceit and betrayal only causes heartache and is certainly not the way to go about getting your needs met. No matter what decision one makes, they should inform their spouses of every step, if anything out of respect for the "innocent" spouse so they can decide for themselves whether they want to remain in a relationship with the one pursuing the affair or choose another avenue completely to make sure that their happiness and well-being is being taken care of as well. In this aspect affairs are very selfish because only one party is getting to decide the fate and status of the marriage, and marriage should be a 50/50 deal. No one person should control the happiness and love that another one receives. You just know that if a person is giving all their best to their AP, that their SO at home is only getting the sloppy seconds of their affection. That is not a fair exchange.

Each to his own, but I do commend those who try their best and stick with the one they made a vow to before taking the easier, not to mention more emotionally draining way out. This situation reminds of that Robert Frost poem about taking the road less traveled, and how it made all the difference--in this case, choosing to be faithful to your spouse and putting up with all their issues and changes may not be easy, but if that's what you promised to do on your wedding day, then I believe whole-heartedly that you should adhere to it (for better or worse really comes into play here). I think doing this will lead you to the most rewarding fulfillment and once all the problems have been taken care of, you'll both be stronger for what you went through and glad that you never strayed. That's just my 50 cents on the matter. Great feedback, OAFM.

Chakra




Edited 8/29/2006 9:49 pm ET by ayurchakra
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 11:45pm
I couldnt help but respond to this post. I am a newbie here on this board, but have had a cyber relationship in the past. and i can tell you that I really fell for her. She warned me that we couldnt develop feelings for each other, but unfortunatly I did. we had to end the relationship. I miss her but understand why we had to go our separate ways. I just miss the connection we had.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 5:41am

Ouch yes I have. Oh I truly understand Hockey Fan, been there done that. The time we spent I enjoyed so much, I was truly starting to feel alive again and don't ever remeber having so much fun besides just the sex. I know I have never laughed as much as I did with her. I couldn't wait for her emails and espically the chat time as ours was hard to get together. I know as I lost a whole lot more than a cyber pal a true friend, and it leaves a huge hole in you. Hang in there, it works itself out. Bronco

Edited 11/25/2006 6:05 am ET by bronco2006




Edited 11/25/2006 8:36 am ET by bronco2006
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 1:25pm

DejaStar said:

"So the question is then is one willing to stay unhappy in marriage until the kids are out of the house?

So this is the root of the problem/question. How to feel happy in an unhappy marriage. "

I have a friend that works at the same university where I teach. She tells me she is miserable in her marriage. She tells me she wants to leave. She tells me that she's worried about her daughters and what their perception of her will be. She tells me that there is no passion in her marriage and that that he doesn't understand her.

She tells me she wants me to help her with this. She wants me to have an affair with her. She tells me she needs me. What she doesnt tell me is how this can damage my credibility and reputation as a professor at this institution and within the community where I live, if/when the affair would be discovered.

IMHO, if someone is unhappy in a marriage, the first step should be to resolve that unhappiness. Either go to counseling or end the relationship. Work with who you have, or end the relationship so that when one does go out trying to find that "fix," that it doesn't pull someone else down with it.

She tells me that she knows what she NEEDS to do, but that she gets all caught up in what she WANTS TO DO...

Quick fixes are normally that.. quickand temporary... the damage is still the same if all parties arent considered.

Been there and done that...

Jim

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