Honesty and Casual Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2006
Honesty and Casual Sex
5
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 10:35am

Okay, first of all - I realize that there are scummy people everywhere. *sigh* :) In the last couple of months, I’ve started experimenting with casual sex as a way to meet my sexual needs while avoiding a romantic entanglement (I really don’t have the time or inclination at this point in my life). So, I put an ad on Craigslist just to see what kind of responses I’d get. I felt like I was smart about it – using an anonymous email address, not exchanging photos until several emails had gone back/forth, etc. I also thought I was being honest with myself and potential partners – I was emphatic that I was not interested in men who were already in relationships (dating, married, whatever), I’m on birth control and condoms were a must. I didn’t want a lot of kissing, touching, etc., that could imply an emotional connection. I just wanted sex – and that’s it.

I’ve had several successful ‘hook-ups’ as a result and haven’t felt ‘emotional’ toward any of the guys involved, though honestly most of the sex has been so-so. Then “Bob” emailed me. From the beginning, I got a sense that he was interested in a dating-type relationship but he seemed like a nice guy, so we chatted online, emailed and even talked on the phone a few times. He travels for work and is in my city frequently. A couple of weeks ago, we had our first hook-up. The sex was mind-blowingly awesome. The only thing that bothered me was that he was physically affectionate with me afterward – caressing my hair, trying to snuggle, etc. I didn’t want to confuse the situation for myself or him.

We continued to email/text, but I still had the nagging feeling that I was leading him on in some way (not sure how) because he wanted to talk a LOT and not just about the sex we’d had. Anyway, earlier this week he returned to my city and we arranged another hook-up. When I arrived at his hotel room, he asked if I’d missed him and was (again) more affectionate than I was comfortable with. However, I’m not heartless; it did feel nice to be cuddled and told all kinds of sweet things. The next morning, when I left, I found myself realizing that I was beginning to have feelings for him and needed to be honest with both myself and him. It hadn’t been what I was looking for, but he was almost too good to be true.

So I weighed my options and decided to Google him. Big mistake. He’s married. With a kid. I haven’t talked to him since then and am not sure how to handle this. I know his marriage is not my business, so I’m not going to contact his wife or anything crazy like that. Should I ignore him until he goes away or confront him? I feel oddly betrayed, both by him and myself. Was I stupid to think that there could be honesty in casual sex? Why would he go out of his way to be physically affectionate if all he wanted was sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 12:27pm
I think there are a lot of dishonest people in the world. Some are in the world of casual sex. Perhaps more than in the "regular" world - who knows. I know many men who aren't getting enough sex at home when they are married. They not only miss the sex itself but the affection as well. Not every man is just in it for the act. So, I think all you will really know is that this one man was dishonest with you. I do think it seems likely that a married man looking for something on the side might find your ad enticing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 11:48pm

It's quite possible that he is missing that from his marriage, and thought you could fill that void for him.

Be the bigger person here and be honest with him. Tell him that you weren't comfortable with the affection, and that something felt off. You Googled him, and found out that he was dishonest about being married, etc, and that you cannot continue to meet up with him, or be in contact with him.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 7:32am
Personally, I think you should confront him. Explain to him that you didn't like the cuddling and that something felt off to you. Tell him that you googled him and what you found out. Let him know how you had been honest up front about what you were looking for and he screwed up big time. Then tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.




“Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love,
a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”
Mother Teresa



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2009
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 1:43pm

Honesty with causal sex.

 


 


<

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 12:52pm

There are plwnty of guys who dont get the sex they need at home, so they stray. Confront him and tell him what you know.. Never know, he might be an ok guy