How many is too many?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
How many is too many?
21
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 7:37pm

I think a lot of women lie about how many men they have been with because they feel ashamed. Most women I know here in Melbourne up up in their 20's and they are all intelligent, good looking, well educated and good people.

I‘m almost 31 and I‘ve slept with 31 men (all which have been short term relationships bar three) and looking back on most of these experiences I feel unloved, stupid, used. Each time, I told myself "no, he can‘t be as bad as the last, how many abusive men can there be?" and each time I was unpleasantly suprised. Few times the sex was actually worth it (and I do love sex).

Time and time again I am made to feel ashamed for my actions when I never intended for this to happen.

I feel exhausted- so used and abused and I will never have a normal fulfilling relationship. I am an attractive women (and have had many offers I have refused) and I use to be a model so this has nothing to do with attracting men. Sadly one of the first lessons a woman should learn is that beauty does not bring love and power. In my case, and many of my friends, it has bought only sex and games. I don‘t believe any man has loved me since I was 22. I can only say that two of the men I had relationships with were really nice guys and my anger is more at myself rather than the men, because I am an intelligent and educated woman and I should have known better than to fall for tricks. I also stupidly believed a lot of the social myths out there about dating and sexuality. Yes, most of these men did date me and imply that they wanted to be in a serious relationship, yet in most cases I jumped right in believing them rather than letting them earn my trust. I have been dating since I was 15 and in-between have also been many horrible dates as well as relationships. I have also been raped by a boyfriend and date-raped. All the guys I‘ve dated have cheated or lied to me, yet most really seemed like good people at the start.

I have come to the point that I belive there are few good men out there and I am sicked at the way I have been treated and the way they have treated me. Not only have most of them dumped me, they have then harrased me months later when they want to come back(the only thing I can say with any messure of pride is that I did not go back, like many of my freinds have). Recently I went for a conselling session where it was suggested that I attract abusive men (my father and brother were also abusive), yet when I spoke about this to my friends they all said "what are you talking about, then we must all be the same because few of us have had positive experiences" (the only ones that have settled down married men from other countries). As a lot of articles have been written in Australia recently about men not wanting to commit and few of the men I‘ve dated (four out of about 60) have actually settled down, it makes me more and more depressed. Where do I find these abusive men? No it is not drug dealing strangers from bars...that is the thing. Most have been successful men with good jobs and backgrounds. The thing is that when I look at all my friends and co-workers I would be hard pressed to find anyone who either has not used women for sex, or been used for sex....and I know a lot of people. Most of the time I think the men have got off more on the doing over the person rather than the act itself. So what does that leave, if my own personal experiences have been negative, my friends as well and articles are suggesting that this treatment is wide-spread?

The hardest blow was my last boyfriend as I finally thought I had found someone kind and loyal (and he was in my friendship group). Lets just say everthing was going well and I thought he was lovely until I found the condoms in his travel luggage...this was five months ago and I feel I will never get over it and I will never be able to tell who is an honest person.

At the end of the day it‘s not hard to treat someone like a human being. Unfortunately my past has lead me to the point where I don‘t ever want to have sex again and I am too afraid to date because all the men here appear to be yes "bastards". I regret almost all of my past and have no optimisim for the future.

sorry for the rant, but I feel so alone

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 8:45pm

Pandy...

Sounds like a few bad apples ruined it for the whole bunch. To answer your question...I think it's a personal call in regards to how many is *too many*. For me, I'd say between ten & fifteen. I'm at 7 right now, so I'm giving myself some breathing room, so to say. I enjoy sex & I would NEVER be able to live without it. So, depending on when I get married (if ever)...I'll coninue to have sex with people I care about & enjoy...while staying away from those icky guys who hurt me. There are good guys out there...you just have to keep an open mind.

Good luck ;-)

~Dutchess

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 10:56pm

Welcome to the board, andypandy.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 10:58pm

Welcome to the board, Dutchess.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 11:12pm
You write and sound like a beautiful woman, and in the wrong group of friends. If all of the men you deal with come from the same circle then I am afraid that nothing will change. I have noticed and so have many others, that today there is a devil may care attitude with young men and women. There doesn't seem to be a sense of pride or loyality to any thing or any one. Work ethics have gone out the window. Find a new group some place, break those ties. I am sure that you can find a man that will respect you and love you for what you are. Things will get better,just don't look in the same pool of people. When you find him then enjoy the sex that will go with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 11:50pm
Thank you so much. The problem is that I don't know where to meet any man who is different. The have not all come from the smae social group. Many I met through university, friends of friends and various places I have worked over the years. It just seems like such a widespread problem here (though most don't see it as a problem, I do they are shallow enough to not have any feelings for each other). It's even sader that so many people get off on using deception and 'playing' others. I am no means alone and that's in a way even scarier.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 1:40am

I truly wish I had some words to help ease your pain. Unfortunately I lack the training or the ability to do so, except perhaps agree with Jazz that perhaps a break from dating may help you to examing what has happened to you. Perhaps this word of encouragement, although I was never abused, I allowed myself to deceive myself to believe every thought I had in my brain was too stupid to be important, but I met a wonderful man who encourages me to review myself and realize that perhaps there are people who have the same thoughts and feelings, but lack the words to express them. That, perhaps I have a duty to say what's on my mind to help others who may not be able to share.

Try to find the courage to re-discover yourself, and to gather the strength to share the wonderful person that you are with those who are worthy of your gift.

Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 8:43am
ditto everything Jazz said.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 9:33am

Thanks for the welcome! I think I'm gonna like it here. This board & fantasies are my favorites. Finding the good guys is really a trick, huh? I'm terrible at it. I have an attraction issue for "bad boys"...and that really limits (even more) the number of good guys that are available to me...lol. It's really a mind game. I've tried to re-train myself to go for good, solid guys...but there will always be that raw attraction to that bad boy that can throw me around a bit...if you kwim...lol ;-)

See you around...

~Dutchess

Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 10:02am

I love your name BTW.



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 10:57am

Thanks...yah, I tried to get a little creative with my screen name...lol. Glad you like it :-)

I've only been *long term-ish* with a few bad boys, and unfortunately for me...they rocked my world! They are always just so non-commital...I fall hard & they freak. I'm currently seeing a "good guy", but my eyes wander everytime I see a scruffy rocker with a goatee & tattoos...hahaha.

And the party continues...

~Dutchess

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