Mother, daughter lovers

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Mother, daughter lovers
15
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 7:55am
I'm a 37 yo single mother, divorced from my first and only husband. I was dating a man for months and we had talked about getting married but I was reluctant. I became a mother in high school at 17 and my daughter is 8 months pregnant by my ex boyfriend. He sometimes came and spent the weekend with us and last December I received a call that my father had been hospitalized so I had to go out of town and they were together from Saturday until Sunday that weekend. I didn't dream that they'd have sex but obviously from her belly they did. She was never very interested in boys and she still refers to herself as a lesbian but I know that she's bi sexual. I actually had been trying to get pregnant by him but it didn't happen and I still have feelings for him and he's begged me for another chance and I want to be with him. My daughter says that it's her fault that she went to bed with him but he hasn't made excuses and has said that it's his fault that it happened. He's 35 and I don't know what to do but I want him but every time I look at my daughter I know it will never be the same.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 1:01pm

Hi Lynn,
You got some great advice from the other users on the board. I hope their reactions and advice help you to make wise decisions for your growing family. First I'd like to say that I'm sorry for the pain that you're feeling, also the betrayal. What you've just gone through is a lot to handle. From your posts that I've read, it sounds to me like you're beating yourself up for your past. This is something you should stop immediately. You can't change the past or undo the things you've done. All you can do is learn from your misfortunes and try not to make the same mistakes again.

Although your daughter is a child in comparison to your boyfriend, and I do feel that he took advantage of her (especially with the age and experience difference between them), she still was an 18-year-old young woman capable of making decisions for herself. It might not necessarily have been to get back at you, but I'm sure she understood that what she was doing was wrong. I hate to say it that way because it sounds like I'm judging her, but I'm not. I just don't want you to feel that you deserve to take all the guilt, because you don't! You were not a participating party in this incident. The two adults involved were solely responsible for their actions.

The only oversight I would say on your part was allowing this man to be around your teenage daughter ALONE in the first place. I know you probably didn't think anything bad would happen because it's your daughter and your fiance, but this could even be something for you to remember in the future (particularly if she'll be staying with you after the baby)...that there is no reason or under circumstances for your man to be left alone with your daughter, even if she is an adult. It's not necessary, and I think it can make a bad situation happen where normally there wouldn't be one. I'm not saying this because I don't think you can trust your child, I'm saying this because it's your male friends and their intentions that you should be wary of (particularly if you've only known them for a short time).

Just because you were promiscuous in your teen years does not mean that you forfeited your right to be a parent/disciplinarian, or that you have any less say in your child's behavior. For most parents (as it was with mine) the motto to live by was "Do as I say and not as I do". Since you're the parent and the adult in the situation, you had every right to reprimand your child and expect her to respect your stance on things. So, basically I'm saying that I politely disagree when you say that you couldn't "preach" to your daughter about the value of sex between two people. I bring that up because, now that this unplanned pregnancy has occured, I think that you and her should have a heart to heart talk, not only about what happened with the boyfriend, but about her values and worth as a woman.

You shouldn't be afraid to tell your daughter to love and respect herself and understand that it's not necessary to give her body to a man to show him affection or to prove that she likes him, especially now that she's bringing a child in the world who will be subject to her habits and behaviors. It sounds like over the years you've managed to change yourself and have been making progress with learning to love and respect yourself as well. However, I believe that if you let this guy back into your life, then any progress you've made emotionally and on a personal level will be squashed. He broke your trust, defiled your home with your daughter, and he violated one of the most important relationships that you're ever going to have in this life(that of mother and child). He doesn't deserve to be with you, and I don't believe your daughter should really even have contact with him outside of their child. You've been through divorce before, so I know you're no stranger to starting over. It's not as hard as we make it out to be. The first step is realizing that you were fine and getting along well until this gentleman came along, and you will continue to be just dandy if not better long after he's gone.

You deserve a man who will respect you and your child and won't violate your trust--also one who won't violate your daughter's trust, as I believe this man did. I hope you don't take my opinions as judgments of any kind. Opinions is just what they are and nothing more. I do wish you the best and hope that everything works out for you and your daughter. Forgiveness and understanding between you two is very important now. I also hope that the new addition to your family will only serve to make your family unit stronger and strengthen the bond between you and your daughter.

Chakra




Edited 8/11/2006 7:18 pm ET by ayurchakra
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 1:20pm
I understand what you're saying. I guess what I'm wrestling with is that I haven't changed all that much sexually. Sex is so important to me and I think about it all the time. And I think about how great it was with him. And I still want to have a baby even though I'm about to become a grandmother.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 8:27pm

I think I just found inspiration for the next Lifetime movie.

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