New territory

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2013
New territory
3
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 10:16pm

First let me start off with I am brand new to this site and just looking for a place to share things, and get suggestions.

So let me start with a little back ground information. I am 28 years old and my SO is 45. We both have been divorced once.  When we first start dating I was hesitant because believe or not his experiance in the bedroom and mine were worlds apart. I was worried it would become too vanilla for him. I never had those crazy college years of sexual experimentation. Neither did he but his XW and him got into some pretty kinky stuff, namely D/s. Which I had never even heard of until we started getting to know each other. Pretty early on he asked if I was willing to try it out. I was honest with him and told him it was not something I wanted to try at this point maybe later, but at that time I felt it would not be good for our relationship. His past D/s relationship was not a "good" or "healthy" one. XW used her role as Dom as the now I don't have to have sex at all with him. When he would try to talk about what he needed from her she would get upset and huffy so they ended the D/s after 2 years. So knowing that about him I did not want any old "hurts" coming up.

Once we had been dating for a while I told him I would experiment with it, we tried me as the sub and him as he Dom seeing that it was the opposite from his previous experiance. Nothing really drastic like Mr.Grey from Shades of Grey or anything, LOL. And after a few times I told him I did not want to do this anymore for a couple of reasons, I come from a background of childhood sexual abuse and I felt like I could not say no, which scared him and made me not feel good inside after. Recently after a rather shaky part in our relationship we have sort of gone back to it but he gave me all the control in the bedroom, I make all the decsions for and about sex, so essentially I guess I am the Dom and he is back to the sub. I was and still am nervous about this but so far it seems to be working. I for the first time have control over sex and know I am free to experiment with almost anything and not get judges or ridiculed for it. My EH would not try anything, we would go to a adult toy store and every thing was a "waste of money" or "stupid". And my SO feels better about the sex we are having because it is me iniating it and he knows I want it, instead of him starting something and me just agreeing to sex but not really wanting to have sex. We have adjusting things as it has progressed, for me I want it strictly in the bedroom, I don't want him using the name he calls me outside the bedroom. I would call it a very diluted D/s I suppose, I want things to be normal outside the bedroom. And we talk a lot about where we are, how we are feeling and things like that I don't want either of us to start feeling bitter or resentful towards the other person.

So I guess does anyone have any experiance with this or any ideas or suggestions. Not sure if I have to say this but I hope no one says anything negative about what we are doing, as this is the first place I have open up about this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 10:44pm

I am Marie's SO and am interested in what others have to say as well.

To kind of build on some of what she said, there was a time where she had told me to come to her for all of my sexual wants so there were times when I was pretty sure the only reason we had sex was she felt she "had" to because it had been awhile or because she didn't want to ever tell me no due to both of our histories with our ex's....neither one of them wanted to have sex. lol So we had both been rejected ALLOT and were determined not to subject each other to that same thing again. I did ask and sure enough I was right. This bothered me a great deal due to some things that happened to me in my childhood.

With her being the "Domme" in the bedroom, things work out great because our earlier experimentation showed us my sex drive was higher than hers so she knows that as the Domme, when she initiates sex, I want it. lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2013
Thu, 05-23-2013 - 5:22pm

I know how he feels.  And his desires are not going to go away. I long to be dominated in the bedroom and and willing to give up dominance adn live in a female led relationship if I had to to get that.  Unfortunately, we are both submissive, so we switch for each other to fulfill each others needs.  If Marie feels comforatble-GREAT!  Let her experiment to her hearts desire and then make him do what you want.  That is what he probably really wants anyway-I know I do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
Tue, 12-31-2013 - 6:14am
It sounds like you've worked out a good solution, so well done. Nothing negative to say, except: saying you want things to be 'normal' outside the bedroom suggests what you do in the bedroom is not normal. But there is no such thing as normal or abnormal when it comes to sex. The only thing that matters is you are consenting adults, you are honest with each other and you both enjoy it.