OK, what now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
OK, what now?
42
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 11:17pm

Well, I tried to talk to the wife about why we don't do it more often and she just brushed me off like I'm a kid asking for more ice cream and she went to bed! I'm pissed. Happened twice when I tried over the past few days. So what do I do now?

I know everyone has said talk to her but she doesn't see it as a problem as I'm convinced, she hates sex! She won't even talk about it and there is no way shes going to counseling. She just hates sex.

So I'm stuck. I can go to counseling and that'll help me understand the problem but thats not going to get me laid...URGH!

I am about a step away from going out and looking for it elsewhere. Seriously, I know its cheating but WTF? Am I supposed to go the rest of my life begging for it and only getting it every once in a while. I'll just stay in the marriage and get it on the side. And if she ever finds out, oh well, maybe it'll shock her into action?

The problem is being a man of low experience, I have no idea where to even look as its not like I'm picking up anyone at a bar...

I am just so F$&ing mad right now.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2006
In reply to: tampa_man
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 3:52pm

I would mirror Nimrod's statements.

First, check out the Mis-Matched Libidos Board...you'll find that there are LOTS and LOTS of other couples out there with the same problem as you.

Second I would recommend reading the book "Sex Starved Marriage" by Michelle W. Davis. It can give you a lot of insight to both your needs and feelings, as well as the perspective of your wife in a way that you may never had considered things. I know it opened my eyes to things that both me and my wife were doing that was sabotaging our sex life...things that we both agreed we needed to work on. It's been slow going, and our sex life is nowhere near where I would like it to be, but we have had some periods of improvement.

Having an affair is not the answer. Sure it might feel good for the moment, but I bet you would feel bad/guilty afterwards, and just imagine the level of betrayal your wife would feel once she found out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
In reply to: tampa_man
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 6:32pm

Oh my friend I'm so sorry to hear this.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
In reply to: tampa_man
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 6:57pm

"I know everyone has said talk to her but she doesn't see it as a problem...."


"So I'm stuck. I can go to counseling and that'll help me understand the problem but thats not going to get me laid...URGH!"


"I am about a step away from going out and looking for it elsewhere."


I feel that she will stop acting like you're a little boy asking for more ice cream (and brushing you off), if you tell her exactly how you are feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
In reply to: tampa_man
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 7:01pm

TM,

I agree with the others - it's time for a serious chat with your wife. Not about sex, but about your marriage. Ask her if she loves you. If she says yes, ask her if she's IN love with you. If she says yes, then ask her why she doesn't care about your wants and needs, and why she isn't prepared to put any effort in for your sake. Tell her that you have had enough, and give her an ultimatum - counselling or divorce. At the very least, if she won't go to counselling, move out so she knows you're serious.

If she says no to those questions, then you know there is more happening with her that you might think. At that point you can ask why she isn't in love with you any more, and that might help open up the conversation about the fact that you aren't happy, haven't been for a while and things need to change. It might pave the way for you to suggest marriage counselling at this point, and say that for the sake of your marriage being a happy one, then the both of you need to start working on yourselves and each other.

You cannot continue to live an unhappy life. It will only get worse for you. Do not have an affair. If you want someone else, then leave her first. An affair will not only affect your wife, but also your children. The time spent away from the house maintaining an affair is less time with your children.

Good luck, I really feel for your situation.

Jan

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
In reply to: tampa_man
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 7:26pm

<>


Just fyio, they don't have any children.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
In reply to: tampa_man
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 8:46pm

Oh ok, I was just reading people talking about custody battles etc and assumed that he must do.

In that case, I have to agree with you that having no children involved makes things a little easier.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
In reply to: tampa_man
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 12:06am

Than you all for your input. I know its the age of the Internet and asking strangers for help might seem odd to some but I sincerely appreciate your input.

I guess I'm just fearful of causing such a stir over something as simple as sex. Some might say I'm just being childish as being she has been my only woman, maybe I'm just letting curiousity get to me? Maybe its true as I am curious. I just hate being made to feel like my physical needs are not important.

So, I've got some decisions to make. Fortunately as Nola said, there are no kids involved.

Either way, its not going to be an easy road to travel. Maybe getting laid isn't worth all the trouble. I mean, we'll never be as adventuresome as some folks here (multiple partners, watching porn, etc) so maybe I shouldn't be pushing for the vanilla sex like I am.

No matter what, thanks for all your time in responding to my nasty, bitching post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: tampa_man
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 4:23am

Big hugs, TM.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
In reply to: tampa_man
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 7:15am

Have you told her how serious this is? Does she understand that you have contmeplated getting sex on the side?

Would she be willing to let you get sex outside of the marriage?

My husband's friend has such an arrangement with his wife. He is not allowed to have girlfriends nor intercourse, but has a someone he pays for handjobs and blowjobs. It works for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: tampa_man
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 7:44am

I've been trying to stay in pretty much lurk-only mode, because I'm finding that when I start posting,