OK, what now?
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| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 11:17pm |
Well, I tried to talk to the wife about why we don't do it more often and she just brushed me off like I'm a kid asking for more ice cream and she went to bed! I'm pissed. Happened twice when I tried over the past few days. So what do I do now?
I know everyone has said talk to her but she doesn't see it as a problem as I'm convinced, she hates sex! She won't even talk about it and there is no way shes going to counseling. She just hates sex.
So I'm stuck. I can go to counseling and that'll help me understand the problem but thats not going to get me laid...URGH!
I am about a step away from going out and looking for it elsewhere. Seriously, I know its cheating but WTF? Am I supposed to go the rest of my life begging for it and only getting it every once in a while. I'll just stay in the marriage and get it on the side. And if she ever finds out, oh well, maybe it'll shock her into action?
The problem is being a man of low experience, I have no idea where to even look as its not like I'm picking up anyone at a bar...
I am just so F$&ing mad right now.....

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Thanks for the hugs Jazz.
I appreciate your thoughts. I could probably do alittle more around the house. Not lazy mind you as I do alot but doing a bit more can't hurt.
And will check out that book and the counseling aspect.
morsegal,
I haven't told it to her that explicitly but have mentioned that I need "it" more.
Your husband's friends situation is a dream scenario! I'd love for that to be my case however my DW gets upset when I talk to other women so to think an HJ or BJ would be allowed is pretty much out of the question.
But thanks for mentioning it as the very idea of it takes the frown off my face...
Sometimes I guess I just think I'm being too superficial about it. Its probably because I really don't talk about these issues to anyone in person. I mean, I don't tell anyone I know I'm not getting any and DW doesn't care. And no one ever tells me about their sexuality as I don't know folks that talk about that stuff.
If you don't lay it out to her totally honestly, how is she to realize how important this one issue is to you?
One of the things I've suggested to a friend of ours here is that he print out some of the posts here and show his wife, or get on the computer with her. Let iVillage be you ice breaker. It's only fair that she know the extent of the problem.
Morse
Lucky:
Thanks for sharing.
It is great you posted your question here, but you should definitely post it on married sex life, AND mismatched libido board. Each board has different people, with totaly different avenues of advice. THe advice you have received thus far has been very good in my opinion. Although depressing at tims, the vets on the mismathced libido board have seen lots of situations like yours, including me, and have a unique perspective.
Right now, your wife probably believes sex is no big deal. It is a perception thing. You need to be caring, respectful, and patient, but at the same time you really need to spell things out for her very very clearly. Many times, she wont agree or just wont understand what you are talking about. Make her understand that you feel sex is a VITAL(not just optinal) component to a healthy relationship at every stage (beginning to end). Tell her that showing love in other ways (like being kind to you) is great, but does not make up for the void in physical intimacy nor does it make up for the neglect and rejection you feel. Make her understand just how important sex is to you on all levels. Desrcirbe the emotional side, the passionate side, the desire side, the creative/sharing side, the romantic side, in addition to the physical/orgasmic release side. Try using examples that can help her relate and understand what you are saying.
Try talking about it in bigger terms, and not just the local isse of "why didnt you sleep with me last night". Make sure you talk about it outside the bedroom. Also, make it seem like it is both of your problem, and not just her. Ask her if you can do anything differently to help her get into the mood. These problems are long term and you dont want to just patch things up just to watch the same thing happen. Think long term goals. Be VERY patient. As long as she is making progress and understanding your side of things, give her all the time and help she needs to come around.
Now, if this doesnt work, try counseling, try reading some books and asking her if she is totaly happy in the marriage. Try different things. Be creative and mix it up as much as you can. Counseling is very effective.
Good luck
PS: Given all of these things, your wife may never change her attitude. I was one of the lucky ones on the mismathced libido board who got their SO to turn around.
~Have you told her how serious this is? Does she understand that you have contmeplated getting sex on the side?
Would she be willing to let you get sex outside of the marriage?
My husband's friend has such an arrangement with his wife. He is not allowed to have girlfriends nor intercourse, but has a someone he pays for handjobs and blowjobs. It works for them.~
First off, I dont want to hurt anyone on the Taboos board. I think sex outside of marriage CAN be a good thing, but for somone having these kinds of problems, mismatched libido, it almost never works. the people on this board that have open relationships have very strong equal marraiges where both partners care and accomodate each other at a very high level.
That being said, husbands and wives that have the problem that Tman raised are not equipped for an open relatoinship in my opinion. If you ask your wife that, and she is like the wives on married sex life or mismathced libido board, it will be extremely bad. I have even heard times where the wife said "you can get some relief somewhere else" because she was so frustrated at the pressure of having sex. When the husband inquired further about it the next day, he was blasted heavily.
I wouldnt go outside the marriage even if your wife asked you to. I would say 90% of the time, it will spell huge trouble.
In my opinion the example above is the exception to the rule.
~morsegal,
I haven't told it to her that explicitly but have mentioned that I need "it" more.
Your husband's friends situation is a dream scenario! I'd love for that to be my case however my DW gets upset when I talk to other women so to think an HJ or BJ would be allowed is pretty much out of the question.
But thanks for mentioning it as the very idea of it takes the frown off my face...~
No disrespect to the other poster, but I used to be in your situation for 3 years. As such I have read lots of books, did the counseling thing, and posted on the mismathced libido board for about 2 years. I am not an expert, but I wouldnt even toy with that idea.
That being said, one of the solutions that I came cross is your wife giving you a hand job instead of sex. If she is low libido, she might feel not in the mood and thus find it hard to have full on sex. If all she has to do is mess around and give you a hand job, then she doesnt have the pressure to performa. This doesnt always work. There are a dozen reasons why it can fail, but if your wife is just tired and worried about performance, this might be an interesting ave. Anyway, I wouldnt give you that advice until I knew exactly what her current issue/s are regarding sex.
Also, no disrespect, but she sounds a little insecure for not liking you interacting with other women. That might be playing a part in this as well.
~Thanks bostonsteve.
Sometimes I guess I just think I'm being too superficial about it. Its probably because I really don't talk about these issues to anyone in person. I mean, I don't tell anyone I know I'm not getting any and DW doesn't care. And no one ever tells me about their sexuality as I don't know folks that talk about that stuff.~
People have such varying perceptions about sex. THe same resaon your wife blows you off, is the same reason why some people would criticize you for leaving a woman over sex or lack there of. Many people get married without even talking in detail about sex becsaue soceity says relationship issues "shouldnt" be caused over sex. They talk about money, religion, communication, even pets, but they dont talk in detail about sexual preferences/important and expectations. This perception is toxic and has led to alot of unfortunate situatoins.
I will tell you, the same reason you feel you dont want to dig really deeply into this issue, is the same reason why your wife is not responsive. If you had a problem with money, religion, communicaiton or even the family dog she would probably hear you out, but not sex :).
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