OK, what now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
OK, what now?
42
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 11:17pm

Well, I tried to talk to the wife about why we don't do it more often and she just brushed me off like I'm a kid asking for more ice cream and she went to bed! I'm pissed. Happened twice when I tried over the past few days. So what do I do now?

I know everyone has said talk to her but she doesn't see it as a problem as I'm convinced, she hates sex! She won't even talk about it and there is no way shes going to counseling. She just hates sex.

So I'm stuck. I can go to counseling and that'll help me understand the problem but thats not going to get me laid...URGH!

I am about a step away from going out and looking for it elsewhere. Seriously, I know its cheating but WTF? Am I supposed to go the rest of my life begging for it and only getting it every once in a while. I'll just stay in the marriage and get it on the side. And if she ever finds out, oh well, maybe it'll shock her into action?

The problem is being a man of low experience, I have no idea where to even look as its not like I'm picking up anyone at a bar...

I am just so F$&ing mad right now.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2004
In reply to: tampa_man
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 6:20pm
I will concur that it's the exception to the rule. I should also mention a factor that may be significant. This is an older retired couple. And I repeat, she doesn't allow a girlfriend just this particular person he pays. I guess in her mind it's like medical treatment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
In reply to: tampa_man
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 6:41pm

Can I just say how much I hate hand jobs? When DW and I were heavily struggling with this issue, I got so many hand jobs that I could quite happily go to my grave never having had another hand job again as long as I live. At this point I would rather not have sex of any kind, than get a hand job.

Fortunately, those days are mostly behind us now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
In reply to: tampa_man
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 7:33pm

Hi tampa man,


May I ask, just what is the frequency of sex at your house?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
In reply to: tampa_man
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 8:06pm

~Can I just say how much I hate hand jobs? When DW and I were heavily struggling with this issue, I got so many hand jobs that I could quite happily go to my grave never having had another hand job again as long as I live. At this point I would rather not have sex of any kind, than get a hand job.

Fortunately, those days are mostly behind us now.~

hahaha. I am sorry, that probably wasnt meant to be funny, but I found some humor in that. I have been there. For us the hand jobs worked well. Sorry to hear that they didnt work well for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
In reply to: tampa_man
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 8:12pm
No need to apologize, I find it pretty funny myself — in hindsight. ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
In reply to: tampa_man
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 11:01pm

Hi maggie kelly,

First off, we have sex about 2-3 times per month. We both enjoy it and I try my best to make sure she is pleased as well. Its not just a wham-bam and I'm done. Its is just vanilla however as she doesn't like anything more. No oral or anything like that.

And you are absolutely right, I do read some stuff here and think "I wish we could do that!" However, I don't mention that to her as years ago we had talked about some more "risque" things and she flat out told me she NEVER wants to do anything like that.

So I'm not projecting "intentionally" but maybe "subconsciously"? You could be onto something. I guess my biggest contention to that however would be that I would say I'd "like" to do more things but I don't hold that against her. What I do hold is the fact that the sex we both appreciate is withheld to only 2-3 times per month and she makes me feel like I have to earn it.

But interesting thoughts on your part...Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
In reply to: tampa_man
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 8:18am

I'm sorry to hear that tampa man. But I again, understand.
Unfortunately for me, my wife was the same...absolutely wound not even try anything out of the norm. Not even oral, which I always did for her, finding later that she really didn't allow herself to enjoy it. We got to where we were having sex twice a year..that's when I'd had enough.
I'm sorry, and no disrespect to anyone else, but in this day and age, I feel that both partners should at the least, open themselves up to try new things with their partner, respecting a no after trying is one thing, but a no, I will not even try.
c'mon...that's like a child who wont try a vegetable, and later finds it to be their favorite, or not, it doesn't matter...at least having tried, then one can make a decision.
I could only live and learn through trying again and again to get my wife to explore, try, look into even, new things....she just didn't want to even consider.
I'm rambling on and I'm sorry. But I just feel it came down to after our divorce she asked me.
"so you divorced me cause i don't give BJ's or do anal sex?"...I was appalled. And answered.
"no, I divorced you because you wouldn't even try do do anything to make me feel good, those were just things I mentioned with regard to you saying flat out No...no discussion."

So, even after I spelled it out in counseling for years and all...She still blocked out of her mind what was happening.
She, for some reason, just didn't like herself or life. And wanted me to just take the ride to hell with her. She even had a philosophy that "life sucks and then you die"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: tampa_man
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 10:17am

"Unfortunately for me, my wife was the same...absolutely wound not even try anything out of the norm. Not even oral, which I always did for her, "


I found the same to be true of my ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: tampa_man
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 10:24am

hehehe...that I should wear this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
In reply to: tampa_man
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:26pm

My ex was a prissy prude who didn't like "mess", and also who hated going down.