one solution

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
one solution
16
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 11:32am

Hi Guys, I posted this story in mismatched libidos but I got few responses, I guess that is saying I was on the wrong board? In any case I will give it a shot here:

The purpose of telling this story is I guess to see how weird and twisted people think my relationship is with my wife? I don’t know I am not complaining or asking for advice, just hoping for feedback.

 I am 48 and my wife is 24, we have been married almost 3 years, she is from SE Asia and works here in the medical profession. I am a little over weight but active enough to do sports (tennis, basketball etc.) with my young wife, we have been very happy. About a year ago my wife asked me if everything was ok, she asked because our sex had dropped from every couple of days to once a week, sometimes less than once a week. We have enjoyed a very wonderful sex life in our time together. My wife really loves sex, but she likes really passionate, almost rough sex, and that is not for me, I like things slow and romantic.

 I was thinking about my wife and her life having chosen to marry me so young, she had limited sex experience before me. One day after sex she admitted to me that she had a dream that she was having sex with Tom Brady! We talked about it in detail and it was exciting, even for me.

 To make a long story short, I met a younger man (29) through a work luncheon, and somehow got to know him personally. Over a period of a few weeks he told me (via email) about his marital woes and for some reason I told him about my wife wanting a lot more sex than I could provide her (the opposite of his problem.)  So an idea developed, having very open communication with my wife, I asked her if she would be interested in having sex with my new friend? This was very upsetting to my wife, but a few weeks later she asked me if I was really serious? After several conversations (listening to my theory on humans and monogamy) my wife decided she would at least meet my friend the next time we had lunch.

 Fast forward to today, for the past 10 or 11 months my wife and the young gentleman have been meeting for sex. First it was about every other week, now it has slipped to once a month. They both enjoy crazy wild sex, the kind that I don’t.

 We did create a few rules to keep us safe from STD’s or someone getting hurt (emotionally). My relationship and sex life with my wife has only improved. I feel secure in my relationship with my wife and that our marriage is not threatened in any way, my wife seems very grateful for allowing her this “extra curriculum activity” she calls it.

I feel we are extremely honest with each other, and love each other very much. As long as everyone is comfortable I suspect this will go on for quite some time, I don’t know?

 Yes, the young Gentleman is cheating on his wife, but honestly I feel like that is between him and his wife not my concern.

 So are we crazy? What are your thought?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2013
In reply to: roy_cobb
Sat, 01-19-2013 - 6:28pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
In reply to: roy_cobb
Sun, 01-20-2013 - 4:18pm

Sharing,

Thank you for the response. Before this arrangement started we talked about an open marriage but my wife advised me that she could never stand the thought of me with another woman. She was very passionate about it and said that she would rather not start this arrangement or ever have sex with another man if it meant that I could have other woman. So that is not an option. However, I am getting all of the sex I want from a strikingly beautiful 24 year old, for a guy like me it's a dream come true. I never intended to marry such a young woman, I was looking for someone much closer to my age but fate and destany had a different idea for me. So before I ever married this incredible young woman I had to accept some things, like she was going to have lovers other than me, no way would I deprive her of those sexual experiences of when you are in your 20's and you just have crazy wild sex. Before my first marriage, when I was dating I had tons of fun having crazy wild sex, I loved it. My wife loves it to but I can't perform like that, even if I could it doesn't turn me on. My wife reports 3 and 4 climaxes through an episode with the young man, wow! He should get an award, I think it's fantastic! (Should he get an award for that kind of performance?) I am good for 1 climax and then it's cuddle and pillow talk. Our communication has allowed us to train each other to really push each others buttons. I also communicate well with the young man, sometimes when my wife is having a week where she is just more horny than I can handle, I send the young man an email, usually he can adjust his schedule in the next day or two and they get together. My wife doesn't know I give him "inside information!" hahahahahaha

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
In reply to: roy_cobb
Thu, 02-07-2013 - 10:26pm

If it works for you and you aren't jealous, then good for you. I would be uncomfortable with such an arrangement for my own marriage. FYI--I am male and slightly older than you. I will turn 50 in April.

  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
In reply to: roy_cobb
Tue, 02-12-2013 - 2:39pm

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Trenner, it does take careful consideration before getting into something like this, and at one point I was jealous for a few days. No situation is perfect. One time it had been almost two weeks since my wife and I had sex and I was REALLY in the mood. My wife was a little apprehensive but did respond to my advances, however shortly after starting intercourse I had to stop, she had been worked over the day before so vigorously by the young man, it was to painful for her to continue. Yup, I was pissed. Then to make matters worse, I went to the calendar and started counting days they had been together over the last few months, as well as times I had been with her, then estimating the actual hours. Over the 3 month period although I was with her more frequently, in actual hours, I was accounting for about 1/3 of the sex my wife was having. I was even more pissed off. That night I wrote an email to the young man and CC'd my wife, just basically saying it was no longer working out. However, I didn't send the email, I saved it to drafts.

 

The next day, I met my wife for lunch and we had a really nice 2 hour visit, she of course knew that I was pissed off the night before. She offered to stop seeing the young man or at least reduce how often, however we agreed to get back to planning times we would have sex so that a week or more wouldn’t slip by without sex, I try to give her a 3 day recovery period after she meets him. That was 4 or 5 months ago and everything has been good. I was still tempted to email the young man and tell him to not be so rough with her, but decided that was something she enjoyed, part of what makes it so different from being with me. So not a perfect arrangement, but it’s working pretty well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
In reply to: roy_cobb
Wed, 02-20-2013 - 11:34am

If that is what works in your marriage, good for you. Sstranger things happen every day and lots of people have successful open relationships.

You are pretty self depricating.  Saying "a guy like me" is lucky to even have an attractive, young woman even interested in me... well, I wonder how much of that your wife picks up on.  Many people spend a lot of time saying "I can't wear that/don't deserve that/can't go there/etc because i'm too old/fat/not attractive enough/etc". Frankly, when you tell your partner, friends, family that stuff over and over it's a recipe for feeling bad. It's also not exactly alluring and arrousing to hear your partner talk shit about themselves.  Maybe you were just thinking out loud there, but if you're putting yourself down all the time, you will start to believe that you can't ever do anything better or evolve anymore.  You didn't say how much effort the two of you spent in trying new and differnt things before you went this route, but surely you know by now there is more to a fullfilling sex life than just getting laid... it's about true intimacy.  These types of relationships (the one between your wife and friend) don't usually last very long, so when it does end, you're left with searching out a replacement or doing some work together to see if there are other ways to meet her sexual needs. Women are fun that way, it ain't ALL about non-stop erections. Clearly she's adventurous, so why not explore that as a couple.  It might sometimes involve another man, but you don't always have to give up the pilot's seat just because you're a one and done guy.

The big problem is your quote, " Yes, the young Gentleman is cheating on his wife, but honestly I feel like that is between him and his wife not my concern."  Oh yes it it your concern; and more importantly it's absolutely your wife's concern.  He's no "Gentleman". That says a lot about HIS character, he's a liar.  If he's willing to lie to his wife about this he's plenty capable of lying to you and your wife about anything; including some important stuff like if he's having sex with 20 other women, other men, STD status, etc. Perhaps worse is your wife will end up with one hell of an angry wife on her hands one day. Affairs are always found out.  You all might think "oh, it's just sex and really no different than if she had a better jogging partner" or whatever. His wife won't see it that way and won't care that this was your idea.  If your wife had decided she wasn't getting sexually fulfilled. sought this man out on her own and didn't have the decency to talk about what she was thinking and doing, I'm pretty sure you would not feel so casual about what affairs cause.  There's no way to say for sure you KNOW how you'd feel in any given situation, but most people don't feel too good about being the injured spouse in an affair and people can get pretty f'ing psycho about it.  There's nothing fun about a distraught woman showing up at your door because her husband is having an affair with your wife.  You claim to value honesty, but don't expect it from the man screwing your wife.  Open relationships don't work when there are secrets and lies, even if they are not bewteen your wife and you.

So, food for thought, take it or leave it. But I'd talk to your wife about that and have some plans in place for when this gets found out, because it will.  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
In reply to: roy_cobb
Sat, 03-02-2013 - 7:44pm

Bubble,

I actually printed your post and gave it to my wife to read. I don't have self esteem issues, no worries. We have decided the young man cheating on his wife is to much. The arrangement has concluded.  Not sure what we will do now, we are talking about looking for a single guy, where we could all be honest...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 10:04am

interesting turn of events. There are lots of ways to meet single men, many swinger clubs allow some single men to join.  Sites like Adult Friend Finder, etc... meanwhile, maybe you two can get creative together...do you guys use sex toys, videos or set sex dates, etc so that things don't get stale?

Hopefully the other man can move on and his wife won't come back to haunt you. I fully believe open relationships can be wonderful, but not without incredibly clear communication and full consent between all parties involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
In reply to: roy_cobb
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 11:23am

Of your list of things we are very good at making sex dates, that one works for us. Say, is our relationship considered "open" if only one of us is authorized to have sex with others?  Just curious.. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 12:05am

   Yes

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 8:30pm

I think that was an excellent decision not to continue inserting yourselves into another woman's marriage behind her back. That kind of stuff makes me sick, I see no reason to collude on such ugliness. Single guys who like sex are everywhere. Personally, I would have a hard time with "It's okay for me but not for you," whatever the reasons behind it, but if it works for you and not hurting anyone else, then I guess you have worked it out very nicely. :)

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