one solution

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
one solution
16
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 11:32am

Hi Guys, I posted this story in mismatched libidos but I got few responses, I guess that is saying I was on the wrong board? In any case I will give it a shot here:

The purpose of telling this story is I guess to see how weird and twisted people think my relationship is with my wife? I don’t know I am not complaining or asking for advice, just hoping for feedback.

 I am 48 and my wife is 24, we have been married almost 3 years, she is from SE Asia and works here in the medical profession. I am a little over weight but active enough to do sports (tennis, basketball etc.) with my young wife, we have been very happy. About a year ago my wife asked me if everything was ok, she asked because our sex had dropped from every couple of days to once a week, sometimes less than once a week. We have enjoyed a very wonderful sex life in our time together. My wife really loves sex, but she likes really passionate, almost rough sex, and that is not for me, I like things slow and romantic.

 I was thinking about my wife and her life having chosen to marry me so young, she had limited sex experience before me. One day after sex she admitted to me that she had a dream that she was having sex with Tom Brady! We talked about it in detail and it was exciting, even for me.

 To make a long story short, I met a younger man (29) through a work luncheon, and somehow got to know him personally. Over a period of a few weeks he told me (via email) about his marital woes and for some reason I told him about my wife wanting a lot more sex than I could provide her (the opposite of his problem.)  So an idea developed, having very open communication with my wife, I asked her if she would be interested in having sex with my new friend? This was very upsetting to my wife, but a few weeks later she asked me if I was really serious? After several conversations (listening to my theory on humans and monogamy) my wife decided she would at least meet my friend the next time we had lunch.

 Fast forward to today, for the past 10 or 11 months my wife and the young gentleman have been meeting for sex. First it was about every other week, now it has slipped to once a month. They both enjoy crazy wild sex, the kind that I don’t.

 We did create a few rules to keep us safe from STD’s or someone getting hurt (emotionally). My relationship and sex life with my wife has only improved. I feel secure in my relationship with my wife and that our marriage is not threatened in any way, my wife seems very grateful for allowing her this “extra curriculum activity” she calls it.

I feel we are extremely honest with each other, and love each other very much. As long as everyone is comfortable I suspect this will go on for quite some time, I don’t know?

 Yes, the young Gentleman is cheating on his wife, but honestly I feel like that is between him and his wife not my concern.

 So are we crazy? What are your thought?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
In reply to: roy_cobb
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 1:20pm

Thanks Marie!  I read a book as suggested by someone here called "opening up" it was interesting although only about half of it related to our kind of situation. In any case, you might enjoy reading it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 2:50am

I can relate to your post on a few different levels. I am currently 27 years old and my SO is 45. And my SO offered to open the relationship when we first started dating, he was worried that he could "not keep up with me". When we started dating he had already been having issues with ED. When he offered this I told him while he may be ok with me have sex with another man I was not ok with him having sex with another female. So I would rather it be just us and we cross any bridges when we get to them. There are a few reasons that I don't want him to have sex with another female and they are all my insecurites. In his past realationship his XW got into some pretty kinky stuff. Things that I had never heard of,LOL. Also I must say the best part of dating an older man is the way he treats me. I have come from a bad childhood straight to a bad relationship and NEVER been treated like he treats me. So needless to say I was worried that he would have a sexual relationship with another women decide I was too vanilla and leave. He then offered the same thing you allow your wife. That I could go off and find what I needed sexually if his ED prevented me from getting what I needed from him. We have not gone down that road, one being female and the way I am wired I usually attach emotion with sex and that would not be good for us and two I have not wanted too. We have had bumps along the way but we are figuring it out. But with all that said I don't think your crazy to each their own if it is working for you guys who cares what others think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
In reply to: roy_cobb
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 2:50pm

This book "opening up" is awesome!!!!  Ironic how much of this content and theory is things I told my wife when first talking about an open marriage. I have read nothing on the subject, just life experience and really thinking about monogamy. So thank you, great read! My wife will read it too..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
In reply to: roy_cobb
Mon, 03-18-2013 - 11:04am

Thanks, the book is on it's way!  Looks like cool reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 11:37pm

resize2.jpg image by Roy5k2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
In reply to: roy_cobb
Mon, 03-11-2013 - 5:25pm

Hi Fruitbat,

Yes, I am glad we are out of that "sneaking around" situation. We have already found a single guy just a couple of years older than my wife, he is divorced, no girlfriend and safe. He dated since his divorce but broke up with her because she wanted a serious relationship. My wife and I have been talking about this new situation (their first alone date is Thursday) and trying to see if we will need to adjust our rules etc.. 

I did receive an email with a strange request from the new young man, he asked me if besides borrowing my wife for the obvious, if he could also borrow her for an occasional business social or wedding etc. so he would have a date? I looked in the manual: "How to have an open marriage" but found nothing (I am kidding, there is no such book I don't think.) This is quite different because of course the married guy was more like a James Bond event, never wanting to be seen in public etc.. So what do people reading this think? Oh, he is completely out of our circle and lives 50 miles away actually in a different state (large metropolis.)

Even if it was ok with my wife for me to have a "friend with benefits" I wouldn't be interested, I am getting all of the sex (and more) that I want. The other reason is (this will sound like a caveman) if I did want a FWB I would want the lady to be as attractive as my wife and that would be difficult as my friends have pointed out my wife looks like a 24 year old Asian Sports illustrated swim suit model. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 8:30pm

I think that was an excellent decision not to continue inserting yourselves into another woman's marriage behind her back. That kind of stuff makes me sick, I see no reason to collude on such ugliness. Single guys who like sex are everywhere. Personally, I would have a hard time with "It's okay for me but not for you," whatever the reasons behind it, but if it works for you and not hurting anyone else, then I guess you have worked it out very nicely. :)

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 12:05am

   Yes

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2013
In reply to: roy_cobb
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 11:23am

Of your list of things we are very good at making sex dates, that one works for us. Say, is our relationship considered "open" if only one of us is authorized to have sex with others?  Just curious.. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 10:04am

interesting turn of events. There are lots of ways to meet single men, many swinger clubs allow some single men to join.  Sites like Adult Friend Finder, etc... meanwhile, maybe you two can get creative together...do you guys use sex toys, videos or set sex dates, etc so that things don't get stale?

Hopefully the other man can move on and his wife won't come back to haunt you. I fully believe open relationships can be wonderful, but not without incredibly clear communication and full consent between all parties involved.

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