slut or empowered female

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
slut or empowered female
21
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 2:10pm
Ok, so I love to have sex. I have it all the time ith multiple partners and 2 (although mistakes) have been with married guys. They told me they were single. I am a well educated, ivy league educated, “nice-jewish girl” from Connecticut. People always say that I am smart, and I am not bad looking, yet I often use whether a guy will sleep with me as a way of determining my self worth. I went to a small grad school where I slept around with professors and students, and after a while, everyone started talking about me. At the ned of the year, The school does 'skits' about class personalities. Mine was about sleeping with too many people. Should I be proud of this? Or should I feel ashamed?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 2:17pm
well, I would neither feel ashmed nor proud.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 5:19pm
I may be young, but I can tell you what I honestly think. It seems to me that you have made some decisions in the past that you may not be so proud of, and you need to realize that it is the past and not necessarily who you are now. You should feel proud of the fact that you are educated and accomplished, not feel proud or be ashamed of who you have been with sexually. There are more important things in life than sex, and you should make decisions in the present and future that truly reflect who you really are. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 5:58pm

I wouldn't feel ashamed. Do you think men who sleep with multiple partners are ashamed? No...so why should women? I just wouldn't bring it out in the open of the multiple partners i've had because people do tend to be closed minded and think less of you because they feel insecure or jealous or whatever. Besides are these the people you see everyday? Will you be seeing them 10, 20 years from now? So why should you feel ashamed by somebody you'll never see again?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 8:37am

Hi, Allison.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:48am
Caroline, normally I agree with most everything you say, but there is one thing you said I do not agree with, at least totally. You said,"What she has done is just learn herself as a woman. It will not harm her. She will grow from it". Yes she can grow from it, and yes it is a process that she can learn from. What I disagree with is where you said ,"it will not harm her". In my life experience, people who have slept around "a lot" all seem to have one thing in common. They seem to have lost the "specialness" of sex..It becomes nothing more than a handshake with an orgasm. They seem to have become callus to what sex within a relationship is all about and what it really means. She is the classic case of a woman who sleeps around a lot for all the wrong reasons. What is good about her is that she doesnt make the lame excuse that many others make and say they sleep around only because they "love" sex.....Hell we all love sex, but we all don`t sleep around. What I like and why I think there is hope for her is the fact she isnt making excuses for her behavior...These people who say they love sex and that is why they sleep around, normally have self esteem issues, ego problems, lack of committment or serious relationship problems... Thats why I contend its not the number of people a person has slept with that is the problem, it is the "reason" they behaved like that. Normally people with those type of issues do not make great lifetime partners because of the issues in their personalities...I know plenty of men who sleep around because they view women as nothing more than someone to have sex with.. Not a great choice for a woman for a partner. Old habits are not only hard to break, but are a window of tell tale signs of what a person is really like between the ears.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 12:42pm

Hello Allison. After reading your post, an old story came to my mind. A farmer had an old well, and one day his goat somehow fell into it. It was deep and the farmer tried every means possible to rescue the goat, but he couldn't. He thought, "well, I can just try to give it a decent burial." He got his shovel and started throwing dirt in the well over the goat. But when he looked down, he saw something taking place. Each time he threw the dirt in the well, the goat would shake it off and stamp it under it's feet, and by doing so it was slowly getting closer to the top. The farmer kept shoveling the dirt in the well, and the goat kept shaking it off and stamping it under it's feet, and eventually rose close enough to the top of the well for the farmer to pull it out. The moral of the story is when dirt gets thrown on you, shake it off and stamp it under your feet, and you will always rise above it.

We all have done things in our lives that we're not proud of, but it's in the past and we can't change it. So why dwell on it? We can't change what we've done, but we can change what we do and how we behave. You don't need anyone's hormones to help you determine your self worth; you do that by coming to recognize how unique you are and that there is no one else on this earth like you. You have those special qualities that make you unique, so admire and appreciate them as you appreciate yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 1:19pm

Humpdaddy, I was a slut when I was younger - that's how I thought of myself then.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 2:02pm
Jazz you were smart enough to at least let a professional help you. Most people do not do that. They just keep doing what they do, and make excuses for it... I bet you are a great partner, by the way... Do you think you look at sex in a different way, than you would if you would have had only, say, 5 past partners? Do you think your past did any damage?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 4:03pm

I was already very badly damaged before I started sleeping around, which is why I

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 7:00pm

Excellent advice, humpdaddy! Totally agree with you and I couldn't have said it better. I believe given her level of promiscuity, not only could it hurt her physically making her more susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases, but it also harm her emotionally.

*disclaimer* The following is not my interpretation of humpdaddy's post, just my observations. I may be in the minority, but I'm not one of those women who believes that just because a woman is as promiscuous as a single male traditionally would be, this means you're liberated. If anything, I think when a woman abuses her temple (body) that way, she's in bondage once again to the same dominant male train of thought (that woman are just used for sex and a man's pleasure). The only difference is that with the new sexually "liberated" women, the guy doesn't have to try so hard to get in her panties. She gives it up rather easily.

In my personal opinion, a real sexually empowered woman chooses her partners with care, because she realizes that her body is special and isn't suitable for just anyone to screw around with, she's vocal about her sexual pleasure and not afraid to tell a man what pleases her. Also, the sexually empowered woman understands that she doesn't NEED a man to fulfill her sexual needs, and that the most immense pleasure she can experience can be brought on by herself by exploring her own body and connecting with her pleasure points. Female self-pleasure is truly an art that should be learned, I believe many women would stop using men to satisfy their needs and wants once this happens. After she's learned to please herself, then she probably won't be looking to men so much for the physical aspect of a relationship as she will for the emotional value it can hold.

I think it's been some misconceptions of the liberation movement over the years. Many women want so badly to unite over this idea, that they're afraid to tell any other women, that there is such a thing as being overly promiscuous and abusing your body. This accomplishes the exact opposite of the movement they're so proud of. It's been said so many times before, but it's true, that one must learn to love themselves and value their worth before they can love someone else. Also the worst mistake she's making is putting the value of her self-worth on whether a man will sleep with her or not. If anything, she should think of it this way, for the most part, promiscuous males will sleep with just about any living, breathing female specimen, no matter how she looks. As long as she has a vagina, then they're good for business. In this case, I think she's pricing her value pretty low because she's worth so much more than that.

With what she has to offer, she'd be a gem to any man who would take her for a wife one day. If she doesn't confront this problem now, it's going to make for bigger issues in the future. For example, if she never overcomes this longing for many partners, once she's married, she'll find it very difficult to remain faithful to her husband (unless she has an open marriage) and it'll just cause her anguish because she won't be used to a man respecting and loving ONLY her. This will cause trauma to her family unit, particularly if there if there are children involved.

Allison should know that the "high" you get from having sex outside of a loving relationship is only temporary, and it's NOT a way to feel loved or to heal your emotional wounds. She's an intelligent modern day woman, with a bright future, but I hope she can achieve success in her personal life with a that man wants to be with her, loves & respects her and solely fulfills all the needs that she could want in the opposite sex. Success in one's personal and love life will bring true happiness and fulfillment, IMHO.

Chakra




Edited 8/16/2006 12:46 am ET by ayurchakra

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