Sooooo confused!?!?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Sooooo confused!?!?!?
15
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 6:39pm
Hi everyone, I'm new to this bored... well kinda, I've been reading for a while now just never had occasion to post, until now. My hubby and I recently experimented with anal. It was a first for both of us and completley his idea. Last night, we were going through our usual routine starting with my giving him oral sex. He kept pushing me down further than I'd normaly go, putting my hand on his ass and finally flat out asking me to touch his ass hole. I did and afterward he kept pushing me to touch him there. I started to, ummm, probe a little deeper and he said "Baby, don't stop what you are doing", so I didn't and he got off. But afterward he wouldn't look at me and said he didn't want that. He said he felt dirty and grossed out and couldn't believe I would "shove my finger up his ass", but I only did what he asked me to do! I never would have done something like that on my own especially if I had thought for half a second that he didn't want it. Does anyone have any clue why he would be acting so weird? I'd really appreciate it!!! = )

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 9:01pm
I think he is scared to admit he liked it. It doesn't make him gay to have liked what you did for him. I think if enough guy's answer here, you will find that most would like what you were good enough to give him. I think that if you could get him to read some of the messages on this board, that maybe he will feel better about himself and really show you the apprecation that he should be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2001
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 10:10pm

Hi Kissy. Welcome to the board.

You have my sympathy for the predicament you seem to be in. I don't think there is any doubt that your DH is one of the many legions of men who associate male enjoyment of anal stimulation with homosexuality and his obvious enjoyment of being anally stimulated has caused a serious inner conflict for him.

He needs to be reassured that enjoying anal stimulation has absolutely nothing to do with homosexuality. It is a simple fact of nature that the anus of both man and woman is richly endowed with nerves that are connected to the pleasure centers of our brains. I have read that the normal anus actually has more of these nerve endings than the normal vagina. In addition, proper stimulation with a finger or two on the prostate via the male anus can result in an orgasm.

This has absolutley nothing to do with a man's sexual orientation! Believe me, I know because I am a confirmed hardcore heterosexual who absolutely loves to have my anus and prostate stimulated. I tell people I am so wired toward a female partner that if God was to strike me with lightning and turn me into a woman, I would have to be a lesbian. This is not homophobia speaking either.

I have deliberately done things like watching gay porn and there just is no spark in it for me. I am not repulsed by it like some men are but neither do I get the slightest bit of stimulation from it. Watching a couple of women making out is a whole other matter entirely; that is just totally freaking hot.

There are a bunch of posts covering this very subject on another current thread. Check it out:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rltaboos&msg=3916.1




Edited 2/27/2006 10:11 pm ET by geritolflirt
Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 9:33am
hi and welcome to the board.


Avatar for cunninglinguist69
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 9:52am

First, I'd like to say how sorry I am that you find yourself in this predicament. I, too, find myself confused why your DH is acting like this after asking you to try something new in bed. I hope you can get to the bottom (pardon the pun) of it all quickly.

I'm another straight guy who enjoys having his prostate stimulated and would would like to echo the other posters' comments. Try having him read our comments and see if that doesn't help him understand that it's not a gay thing.

I remember my "first time" well. I had not asked for my SO to do anything like that. In fact, the thought had never even crossed my mind. But one night, she was performing oral sex on me and all of a sudden I realize that her finger is inside my anus and that I was about to have a tremendous orgasm. I had never felt anything so pleasurable in my life before or since. And in retrospect, I am so thankful that she made the first move because I doubt I would have ever asked for her to do that to me.

Now, many years later, I find myself longing for those days as my DW is not at all sexually adventurous. Early in our marriage she would humor me and stimulate my prostate with her finger or a small vibrator, but as the years passed she decided that I might be "turning" gay and refuses to indulge in that any more. So I am facing a similar problem from the opposite perspective.

Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 9:59am
wow, I am sorry to hear that.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 12:23pm
Gee, I'm really sorry to hear that! Maybe you can get her to read some of these threads as well? I personally don't find anything gay about it... as some of these threads have said the anus is full of nerve endings and, if a woman can enjoy it, why not a straight man?
Thanks for all the insight ya'll. The thing is I'm really afraid to approach him with it. Would he not be mad that I asked other people about our sex life? He's very hard to approach with matters such as this. I once asked him what he thought about vibrators (just what he thought not if I could have one!!) and he flipped out totally. Something about the only reason I would need a toy is if I were bored or not satisfied with him, which just isn't true. I wouldn't want the situation to get worse in any way... we haven't talked since the incident and we didn't make love that night or yesterday (VERY odd for us as we usually do at least once a day). I know I didn't misread him, he specifically asked for what he wanted. I really just don't know!! I guess I've got to grow some balls here, how much worse can it get???? Thanks everyone!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 4:42pm

Heh heh, silly man.

I have a couple of suggestions here:

1. I would say nothing whatsoever about it. Just shut up about it and pretend you've already forgotten about it. At all costs, do NOT say "honey, but it was your idea".

this sounds counterintuitive to the whole talk-it-out mentality that people advocate these days, but I think that approach to things is very female-centered. Men, on the other hand, often like to deal with awkward topics by totally ignoring them. Let him see that this incident has not caused you any alarm and has not caused you to feel differently about him, and that life is the same as usual. Then, he might start to think, "you know what, she did that, I liked it, the sky didn't fall, and she didn't call me gay, and all is well." Which is exactly the message you WANT to send.

2. If you really do think he loves it and you'd like to add it to your repertoire, wait a decent amount of time (maybe 2 or 3 months) and then just do it again. Don't ask if you can, or if he wants it, just go ahead and do it. I'll bet he lets you. Then afterwards, repeat step number 1, i.e., don't talk about it.

Eventually, it will be an okay thing between you.

Trust me... I'm speaking from experience. My SO loves anal play (he even likes to be penetrated with a strap-on) but hates to APPEAR to love anal play. He wants me to think that his view of it is "it's cool once in a while but I could take it or leave it". So I play along and eveybody is happy. People can be weird about sex. Accepting that he has ambiguous feelings about something means that you are accepting of him. And acceptance is a huge part of love.

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 5:19pm
Thanks bunches! This may actually work better than flat out asking him about it. I know he dosen't want to talk about it and I know he dosen't want to admit to liking it, but the orgasm he had when it happened was the strongest I think I've ever seen him have... I don't think I'll go for it without his permission, but maybe, just maybe ignoring it completley will show him I was comfortable and theres no reason for him not to be... hopefully anyway!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2005
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 7:11am

I think it happened in the moment..he got worked up, wanted it...and now he is scared to admit he liked it...for fear of what he "thinks" that "might mean". Many guys who are not gay enjoy the same type of stimulation. My dh does and so does my bf, and neither are bi. Talk to him about it....

and you're right..it's not your fault..you were following his leads, his words, his body language.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 11:12am
K, thought ya'll might like to know how things turned out... I completley ignored the situation. When he came home I talked to and loved on him just like usual and eventually HE brought it up. He asked me what I was thinking about when it happened if I were "weirded out". I told him no, that I love doing anything that makes him happy and I'm fine not doing anything that dosen't. Then he admitted to exactly what ya'll are saying, that he did want it at the time and that he liked the feeling he just didn't like the things he associated it with (homosexuality). Then he asked if I thought he were gay now. lol. Men are SOOO silly. We decided not to try it again but we did have a GREAT night after that! ; ) Thanks again everyone!

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