stop thinking about ana

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
stop thinking about ana
38
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 10:15pm
suggestions on how I can stop thinking about anal sex during vagina sex? I am trying to quit because she doesn't like to try it nor talk about it, but it's becoming like an obsession.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 11:31am
Very good points singer. I think the thoughts you have are at the upper level of sexual evolotion and should be applauded. Most here would know that I would agree with your approach. But for the sake of interesting dialogue let me be the devil's advocate here for a moment...
There will be some who say that pursuing something you want that your partner is not interested in is "selfish sex". I sometimes struggle with combatting the apparent logic in this argument. The only thing I can come up with is "if it's reasonable and you have dedicated your all to your spouse, why not at least consider it and experiment at levels that are comfortable for you." But then comes the comfort aspect...
Should we now respect the comfort levels of our spouses? I have read about that over and over again. And we have seen that the discomfort zone has such a huge range for people. From not being able to utter a sound to the concept of having a third person involved. Personally I think the one thing we owe our spouses (in all matters, not just sex) is to understand why we feel the way we do about a topic and why our position is important to us. For instance, one spouse wants a 3rd child, the other just says no. Is it not disrespectful to not at least hear out the wanting spouse? Do you not at least examine your own feelings and the justifications for them and weigh those against both needs and see if they still hold enough weight to be the prevailing and final decision? The same relates to sex. This is why I don't buy purely into the "No means no" edict without explanation. It is too tainted. It is leaving them in the dark...and that is a dangerous place to put your spouse. We do owe it to our spouses to try and provide what we can to the other without losing our own identities. And perhaps in the midst of all this reshape ourselves into richer personalities...to grow. Not just stay who we are alone. Otherwise, why get married?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 12:56pm

Very well said, talbed, you elaborated on the thoughts I was trying to get out. I agree completely with your statement :

We do owe it to our spouses to try and provide what we can to the other without losing our own identities. And perhaps in the midst of all this reshape ourselves into richer personalities...to grow. Not just stay who we are alone. Otherwise, why get married?

I cannot imagine telling my DH "no" with no reason or explanation. I have even explored sexual "adventures" with him, that I hated with other people, but no two lovers are alike, and how you are committed to them changes everything. Several things I used to hate with other lovers, I LOVE with my DH! It comes from a different place when you are com mitted and married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 12:59pm

Nobody likes to be nagged, talbed.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 1:15pm
Jazz,
I agree with you and my latest post here was really a silo response to Really Sings and more in a general tone and not totally related to the original post here (that response earlier in this thread made my position on the original post pretty clear). There has to be a level of acceptance a giving in every relationship...and all I was saying is that comes out in loving conversation and not hard lined responses, or demands. Both need to continually re-examine their lives as they grow together. All the comments I made were couched with the understanding of a healthy, loving relationship, not one that is torn with 'secrets', hard-headedness, unhealthy addictions or thoughts, etc.
And if there is traumatic abuse in a person's past and that cannot be communicated in a relationship...is that relationship worth anything?


Edited 9/19/2006 1:28 pm ET by talbed
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 1:32pm
That's simply not true that she is being selfish, you are completely unaware of what this woman's life was like prior to marriage and we are only getting the DH's side of the issue.
I will not try it and as a matter of fact, I asked my DH for a divorce when he asked for it the 2nd time because I felt he was not respecting my boundries or my feelings. So if he wanted that kind of sex,or what ever notions porn migh inspire, I was prepared to let him go so he could have what ever he was seeking as he would NEVER have it with me. She has every right to deny entry/penetration of her anus and IT'S NOT SELFISH. This is obviously not for everyone. Don't tell me that I have to try it before I say I don't like it. I know I will not like it simply because I don't want it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 1:42pm
Wow!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 1:56pm
I second that Wow! I cannot EVER imagining mentioning divorce because my husband asked me for something a second time that I was not interested in. Sounds like something much deeper going on there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 2:31pm

If something was a flat out "no - not gonna happen" I wouldn't ask again. Nor would I expect or request a reason why. I think that is just a sign of respect for your spouse.

DW has on occasion asked me my fantasies and I have told them to her and even written them down. Some have been "Not gonna happen" responses...then I remove those off my list of fantasies with her. Honeslty if she is just doing it to please me it wouldn't be very good anyways.

Other things she has been open to and on special events has explored those fantasies with me. Most the time they are good but only happen that one time.

If my DW came home with a large cucumber and said she wanted to insert in my anus I would say no. I would get mad and pissed off if she just kept following me around waving it at me asking to do it. I've never had a cucumber in my anus but I know I wouldn't like it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 2:55pm
Let's remove what appears to be the enraging topic of the bottom...heck, sex for that matter. Are we saying that in life all flat out "No's" are just that and should not be approached again by our spouses? If that's the case, then there are a lot of things I have in my life now that I have come to cherish that WERE flat out "No's" from me initially (one of them being my wonderful daughter along with a long list of what are now very cool things). My wife, in the approach of understanding me, engaged me in follow on conversations...perhaps a few times or more...that eventually helped me look at things in a different light. And perhaps I am too giving of a spirit. All I am saying is the approach of No means no in life in general CAN prohibit us from growth as individuals and as a partner in a shared life together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 3:13pm
I completely agree with you here! There are many, many things in our sex life that used to make me cringe and voice a very heartfelt NO!!! But years later I look back and laugh at myself. At the time I was not willing to grow and try things. In my opinion, at the time, no meant no. It took awhile but eventually my curiousity got the best of me and I went to hubby asking for all of those things and way more than he could have ever imagined me wanting or agreeing to do. People change. There are some things that came up in our marriage years ago that he was vehemently opposed to that he has come back to me and said that he should have listened to me and agreed. And these are not sex things... they are other issues. I think in a happy, fulfilled relationship that it should always be give and take.