stop thinking about ana

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
stop thinking about ana
38
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 10:15pm
suggestions on how I can stop thinking about anal sex during vagina sex? I am trying to quit because she doesn't like to try it nor talk about it, but it's becoming like an obsession.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 3:50pm

OK I am a sometime lurker and rare poster here....but I find this thread interesting (being married to a guy who has trouble explaining the "why" of various likes and dislikes....)

Sometimes we just don't know why something does not appeal to us. Or why something does. I don't like peas and will never eat another pea. DH will not touch tofu. No need to explain to each other why this is so.

I think sex, like food, is very basic and cannot be analyzed too much. We all have likes and dislikes.

So, to go back to a sexual example: Anal does not bother me at all, I find anal to be very erotic. However if my DH asked to urinate on me, or asked me to urinate on him, the answer is a flat-out NO. Why? I don't know.

Golden showers are a turn-on to many, urine is sterile, it washes off, etc. etc. I have had no abuse in my past related to this. There are a lot of arguments for this sexual activity, if someone wants it, there really is no harm, right? Probably a number of people on this board enjoy it.

But there is no way in h*ll it will happen in my house, and if DH were into it and would not accept a simple "No, it is not a sexual turn-on for me and in fact disgusts me," then we would have a serious issue on our hands. And my interest in sex with him would surely take a hit.

No sometimes DOES mean no.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 4:55pm

I think context is everything.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 6:24am
Context is everything, I agree.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 11:11am
Totally with you and xplosiv on this one! I don't think I have ever pushed into a new boundary once the clothes have been shed. If something is offered up, I gladly act upon it. Other than that, new concepts are always brought up in a private, comfortable conversation. There is never a hint of pressure, just an expression of desire. If there is a no, we discuss possible alternative approaches that make us both happy. In fact, the last time dw and I discussed anal sex, she brought it up. I asked her if it was fair for me to ask her to do some research on the topic...get a fair and balance amount of info and re-examine her mental approach to the topic. She said that is the least she could do for me and that she admittedly has never really looked into the topic but just went with an internal instinct. She also admitted that her internal instincts have prevented her from other things before that she now finds enjoyable (if only because they please me, or others before me). It is totally about approach, context, respect and open-mindedness. That is all that can be asked for really.
I seem to find here and on other boards that the really happy couples approach all matters this way...and everyone does not get their own way. Nothing like a mutual decision in a marriage to make it stronger than any bond on Earth!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 12:23pm

<<>>

Exactly!! Thank you. I can't even count how many men I've seen in my lifetime turn three shades of white and get practically violent over the idea of anything being stuck up their anus. Personally, I think it's why many of them get so violent toward gays. Interesting that so many men think that their women are supposed to jump up for joy in having something done to them that they themselves find abhorrent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 2:34pm
You are so right, there was more going on. Several months prior to my DH's 2nd req, he had been trying to pressure and coerce me into acts that I was finding more and more bizare and increasingly more uncomfortable for me. DH was also deeply intrenched in a porn habit. I had come to feel that I was not a person, rather a place for him to have sex in ( if that makes any sence ). I was reduced to being a "hole". So when he asked for anal sex the 2nd time, I truely felt that I had little human value to him and I couldn't stay married like that. I felt that I was constantly in a war to defend my boundries and my body.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 3:16pm
That is a horrible way to feel. I've been there... at least with feeling that way. It was at a time that we were not connecting at all. There was no communication and I felt used. I'm sorry to hear you had to deal with that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 6:46pm
Just for the record (and a number of the regs here know this), there is nothing virginal about my bottom. I may be that 1/1,000 person, but before I even thought about pursuing my fantasy further I experimented on myself. Taking all that I learned about taking it slow, working my way up, using lots of lube, being 'clean', building desire...I began self exploration there. Let's just say that after a bit of working at it I actually have ended up enjoying a couple of anal orgasms - and with an 'item' that is the exact size as me. I found it to be extremely pleasurable. And there is not a whole lot different from my bottom to anyone elses, regardless of gender. It really is just attitude and acceptance here.
I just wanted it to be clear that I am not in that camp of "you do it, but no way in heck will I!" I would never ever even think of presenting anything to my lover I haven't researched some, thought about and, if I could, experiment with by myself, or that I wouldn't do myself. So perhaps I am the exception to the rule and perhaps that explains some my positions stated here.
Danidi...yours too is the exception to the rules that I live by as well. That is the exact wrong environment for any kind of sexual development and it made me very, very sad to read about your situation. I really hope things turn around for you one way or another! Huge hug.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 1:43pm
This was an old issue nearly 14 years ago. Yes, we are still together but it took almost a year of therapy and seperation to resolve. My DH didn't want a divorce and I didn't want to reconcile, but he was willing to do the work necessary to earn back my love, affection, trust and most of all forgivness. I didn't ask him to change, he chose to assess his expectations and priorities which changed his behavior. I am so proud of my DH and can't imagine life without him. I would die for him if it would save his life or his soul, but he now knows that I would rather die than have anal sex and the ansere to that will always be "No" ( Not that he ever asks for it ). Once he's told no, he respects it and it's never brought up again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 2:22pm
I think what most men do not understand, is that anal sex sometimes hurts, and sex cannot be enjoyed if there is pain. I find it very uncomfortable, even if I try it with a dildo or my own finger. It is just not good.
If you really care about pleasuring her, forget the anal, and go for the things she does like. You're reward will be a willing partner, who is willing to try other things if she knows you respect her wishes.