Taboo/Porn question...
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| Mon, 03-20-2006 - 5:15pm |
Ok, I don't have issues with porn..Its a healty part of many relationships..I also am pretty open to new experiences. Mainly I am only against things that include other people directly. IMO there should only be 2 people in a marriage bed. I even have spank me tattoo'd on my behind.
I am having a problem with hubby's porn consumption. Mostly it involves watersports or scat or humiliation fantasies with a woman being dominated by a man. We don't watch porn together because he has issues with watching other men. He wants lesbians or single females only. Ok fine, his problem. Where it all becomes a problem for me is that it seems to me that he wants to be dominant but won't be that way with me. He doesn't let go and I don't feel like I am any more than a release and what he really wants is the porn he is collecting. It is escalating. Even if I just had a discussion with him and he knows I am upset and why, he still does it anyways. It's atleast weekly, even if he doesn't realize it. He'll say it's been a while since I looked and I'll say no you downloaded last tuesday and his reply is that I didn't look at it, just made a copy for some other time.
He can't even explain why its so facinating to him, but says he can't/won't do those things with me because he wouldn't do that with someone he loved. Yet he can't stop looking and it even trying to excuse it away. I feel it's taking something away from us. I would love for him to be more agressive.
We have an active sex life 3-5 times a week min, but somethings missing for me and he says he can't give it, even though he seems to want it.
Any advice?

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Well I guess yes would be the answer. It's as if he can't control himself and "HAS" to have it. It's almost an obsession with him. Collecting it. It makes me feel as if even he feels something is missing in the bedroom. By Far I am the most dominant person in and out of the bedroom, but deep down I don't want to be in the bedroom especially all the time.
I guess I just want to be ravished and I need to feel like he can put it away when need be so as not to affect our time. I don't know if I can explain this right, but the tought of him not being able to control himself to the point he has to have me turns me on.
I also am concerned with why he is so obsessed with humilation of women.
Perhaps the humiliation part is also just a fantasy. I know I fantasize about things I'd never really want to happen or really want to be treated in that manner but thinking it in my head is a turn on.
Ask him about it..ask him if its all a fantasy or something he'd someday like to try. Keep letting him know how you feel..
He has stated it is something he'd like to do, just not with someone he loves. It's the intensity and obsession with which he searches for it that makes me concerned. He has to have it and for a couple of reasons I can't give it to him. One because he won't let me and two now I see it as a humilation thing for him.
I dunno it's like I am getting one thing and he is wanting another thing. He won't take from me what he wants.
WHat man isn't??
Seriously, he knows that it has to go both ways if he wants that and he couldn't handle that. It' can't involve any other man.
I guess what it boils down to is that I want more (some?) agression dominance in bed from him and for him to tell me he's just not that way would be fine if he wasn't so obsesses with the female dominated videos.
Welcome to the board, spnctrferret.
Thanks Jazz. I understand what you are saying. I wouldn't feel this way if he could be more controlling in the bedroom. Really that's all I want. For him to be more proactive and stuff.
I am working on not smoking and gaining weight and I asked him to leave it a lone for a while (a week or so) and bring that passion into our bed instead and he couldn't. Or wouldn't. It is a problem because my needs are not getting met and I suspect his aren't either.
I can't do the blind eye. It just isn't me. Besides how can I fix what I feel is a problem between us if I don't consider all the factors. He could be feeing dominatated and out of control in his life, but he chooses that way. Or that is the only way he knows. I don't want to be the dominate one and make every effort to be sure I am not dominating him if possible.
Girlspeak:
Howdy!!!
I've read most of your posts and the responses to them... And I honestly think that you're dealing with a lovely array of gnarly issues. It seems like they're all twisting and snarled-up together into one huge mess, and the points that dolphinchic, cl-jazz, and cl-LM have mentioned are all part of the package- and I'm sure there are more that are contributing to what's going on with you two. How to unsnarl all these issues- to tease them out and address each one separately and make you both happy again? It may be time to take your issues to a counsellor, who may be able to see more clearly how these things are contributing to one another.
One thing that bothers me about this is how compulsive his behavior seems:
"He doesn't let go and I don't feel like I am any more than a release and what he really wants is the porn he is collecting."
"Even if I just had a discussion with him and he knows I am upset and why, he still does it anyways. It's atleast weekly, even if he doesn't realize it."
"Yet he can't stop looking..."
It's very possible that he has developed some sort of addiction to porn- that it is soothing some anxiety (totally unrelated to sex) or helping him to avoid looking closely at something in his life that is very uncomfortable to him. For example, when my husband and I were having marital and financial problems several years ago, he starting playing computer games COMPULSIVELY. From the moment he woke up in the morning (like, 11 or so) until he went to bed at night (3 or 4 in the morning). This behavior obviously made our problems worse, because I was feeling ignored and started getting resentful and pissy and passive aggressive. We eventually resolved all of that and he still plays regularly, but it's not an all-consuming compulsion anymore. He is fully engaged with us, and I don't feel resentful or ignored when he plays- it seems like it's normal now, not like something is wrong.
Another factor to consider is that you are making some huge changes in yourself- the smoking and weight maintenance (loss?). These are big changes in your lifestyle, the way your mind works, how you soothe yourself, and how you make yourself stable. Have you replaced your smoking and eating with any other activity? Are you taking walks? Exercising? Needlework? Classes? It can help you deal with the stress of the issues going on in your marriage, and hopefully help you keep things in perspective. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders- I'm not accusing you of being a nutjob wife. ;-) But what you're doing for yourself is huge, and you should do everything you can to make it easier on yourself and hopefully these changes will be permanent.
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