Talking to DW

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Talking to DW
19
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 10:41pm

OK, I've beat this dead horse into the ground but how about some more advice from you all kind folks?

Everyone agrees I should talk to the wife more about sex. I want more, I want more variety, I want more adventure. For those of you that don't know my history, I know this post sounds selfish but its not. 2-3 times per month of me begging for vanilla sex of her on her back and me pumping away is not doing it for me.

So my question is, how do I start this type of conversation? Every other time I start it (variety of times and places) her first reaction is "I can't believe you're saying that!" and then shes either in tears or pissed off and doesn't want to talk at all. So there has to be a better way to start the conversation.

So, what might it be?

Not an easy post I agree...so if its too complicated, skip mine and go to the one about taking nekkid pics as its more fun! ;)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
In reply to: tampa_man
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 11:45pm

sweetie- have you ever attempted starting the conversations with questions?


She sounds so sensitive and I am the exact same way! DH says one thing I immediatley think I am a failure or "not good enough" and tune him out. Maybe start it with ......


How do you think our marriage is emotionally?


"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
In reply to: tampa_man
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 12:01am

ok, insomnia is winning out over sleep right now, so I'll give this a shot.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2005
In reply to: tampa_man
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 7:23am
I think you need to tell her you'd like to talk w/her....then start w/how you're feeling. How much you want her...how much she turns you on, etc etc...then ease into a more sexual conversation.....Its important to put your feelings out there first....don't make it seem all about sex...because i'm sure thats not all it...good luck.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: tampa_man
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 9:00am
you're right, it is complicated and not easy to answer.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
In reply to: tampa_man
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 10:52am
Just finished reading that post about talking to DW.... I like that quesionnaire your DH
gave you and I'd like to try that out too. May I also get a copy of that too? I'd be happy to try that out and see if she'll try it. thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
In reply to: tampa_man
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 11:38am
I am not so sure you arent my husband!!! :)
Sounds just like him, and he has tried to start those conversations... didnt work.. I would get pissed, upset.. whatever.. just becasue it bothered me so bad. I go between the extremes of not wanting sex at all and thinking he is a pig for wanting (or as he says needing it) to really wanting it day and night.. The past few days have been totally an eye opener. A guy at work (new work) flirts with me a lot, and i LOVE it.. I dont get much attention from guys.. guess I should stop hanging out with my sis and her friends.. they are all pre kids, no stress, thin and cute... UGH doesnt help me out. I just had a baby (she is 1) and gained a lot of weight. I am overall disgusted at myself and cant bear the thought of someone touching me.... at all. But this guy made me feel great!!! I cant beleive it! I am working at loosing weight, getting in shape and putting on some darn makeup and brushing my hair for god sake!! Sometimes I care so little for myself, its sick. OH, also if DH pisses me off (which he seems to do daily) I loose the pathetic little interest in sex (which was more of me giving in to him...)
It was me the whole time. Yah, I still get disgusted when I look in the mirror... but I put that out of my head in the bedroom. The more we do it and enjoy it, the better it gets
Liz
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
In reply to: tampa_man
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 11:45am

((((((((((((((((((((TM)))))))))))))))))))))))

At this point, I would make an appointment with a counsellor. See this counsellor one-on-one for a while (two sessions, maybe?) so that s/he really knows your position, and how you really feel about your wife in terms of this issue and in terms of everything else. Then bring your wife in, either by herself, or with you two together. The idea is not to ambush her, but to have someone else there- a third party- who does understand your position, and who can help explain to her that this is not something to get huffy or teary about... it's just an issue that needs to be addressed. If she sees the counsellor alone too, then the counsellor will know more about how she sees things, and will help the two of you reach some compromises together.

You have said before that she won't go to counselling. If she does refuse to go, then this speaks to marital issues that run much deeper than frequency/quality of sex. If she refuses to go, you have the right to be upset. If she balks and isn't sure about going and thinks it's you that has unrealistic expectations, then she should have nothing to fear and nothing to lose by going- the counsellor support her side of this.

If you've brought this up at home many times already, and she is reduced to tears or gets too ticked off or blows you off, then I don't know that bringing it up at home again is going to do you any good. She still has control over the situation when she has an adverse reaction- she makes you stop talking about it, which means that she doesn't have to really think about what you're saying. A neutral third party is the best way to go.




Edited 4/4/2006 11:50 am ET by naughtygirl23

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2006
In reply to: tampa_man
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 12:55pm

I can give you the card of a great massage therapist in Austin Texas!

(just kidding)

Redirector

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2006
In reply to: tampa_man
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 1:07pm
Maybe you need to research her backgound. How she was brought up, what she knows about sex and her feelings about sex. Finding out the others person thought may help .
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: tampa_man
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 5:55pm

Hi, Tampa.

 

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