Threesomes?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Threesomes?????
24
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 4:56pm

ok if you are one of the many people that can do a three some with your partner then please answer this for me.

Are you really in love with your partner if you can watch them have sex with some one else?
Do they really love you if they can watch you have sex with some one else?

Very Confused....

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Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: lslk805
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 5:07pm
That's easy:


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
In reply to: lslk805
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 5:33pm

Yes, you can be VERY deeply in love and devoted to your partner and still have sex mutually with another partner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: lslk805
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 10:42pm

Hi there,
I have been looking for something along this topic to talk to someone about and when I read your post I couldn't resist my reply. Maybe you can give me some words of wisdom here. I'm 39 and my husband and I have been together for nearly 14 years. He has consistently mentioned threesomes over the years, even from the very beginning. He has mentioned every girlfriend I've ever had and me bringing them home. Although I have explained to him that the idea is not something that I am opposed to, I just don't think that asking each and every one of my friends is fair when he does not want to ask his friends and their wives. He knows of couples that do threesomes, have done them in the past and also people who just have sex with other couples in the room which I am also not opposed to.
We had a threesome years ago but it was not what either of us really wanted....just was awkward, too rushed, too much alcohol maybe, lol....I don't know. Neither of us really cared for it, maybe because it was our first experience.
Anyhow, because of my lack of persistence in making things happen in the bedroom as far as threesomes go he now tells me we are just two differnt people. I have repeatedly told him that I am not opposed to the idea and I'm beginning to feel pressured.
I guess what I am getting at is that I agree that the whole think turns both people on, watching each other with other people and I would do it given the right situation. My husband says he just wants to watch me with a woman and that's fine too. I just don't know.....I trust him, he trusts me and he has said exactly what you said about bringing our love and relationship closer by sharing such sexual experiences......
Maybe you can answer some questions that I have....or steer me in the right direction.
Is it possible for a couple to do it just whenever the opportunity arises without it becoming a lifestyle or without feeling the pressure that once it happens it will have to happen every time we're in a social situation with other people who might enjoy the same thing???? We have two kids, I'm not into it as a lifestyle but something wild and crazy once in awhile is appealing. Is that something normal?
Is it possible to have regular sex, just sex at home in our bed afterwards and be able to have it without always wanting to do the freaky stuff? I mean, can he look at me and be turned on by "just me" without having to talk about girlfriends or husbands or whatever? Get my thought on that one??? lol.
Is it normal to want to do it yet be afraid?? My husband says that if I want to do it I should not be afraid but he doesn't see that I didn't even know what masturbation was until I met him ! He thinks I am kidding and I am not...lol....I had an idea of what it was, just no clue what it was called or that people did it and talked about it ! His sexual ideas, fantasies and habits are what turned me on about him. I never knew people talked like he talks.............
I don't know, I've got millions of questions......
I am totally into us doing something like that but is it wrong that I'm not pursuing it more persistently? I just think that when the opportunity arises then it will happen...I don't know though. Aside from the people that he knows that he does not want to ask, I do not know of places to go where people are into it.
Last question....for now.....can I say that I honestly want to have a threesome but at the same time say that I do not want him to have sex with another woman or me with another man????????? Other stuff is okay, just not the actual act it. I know myself and I know that seeing him having sex with someone else would not turn me on. I feel that being married means staying true sexually to each other and I see that as the actual intercourse itself.....Is that bad???????????????????
Boy, hope I haven't overloaded you but when I seen this board I couldn't help it....

Girlunsure........

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
In reply to: lslk805
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 11:47pm

The answer to both questions is yes. As you are aware there is no universal or generally accepted definition of love. Each person and each couple defines it differently. For a threesome to occur several conditions in the relationship must exist, they include:

1) Open and honest communication about everything including sex
2) Stable and trusting relationship
3) That the couple has some type of history together
4) Equal desire by both members to participate in a threesome
5) No coersion, manipulation, or force is used to get one member to particiapte
6) The desire to participate in a threesome is not based on a desire to add spice to the relationship, prevent the other from cheating, or fix a broken relationship.

The same conditions that are needed for love to flurish are also the same conditions needed for a couple to be successful at swinging.

Swinging in many instances grows out of the trust and love that a couple has developed for one another over a period of time, usually years. It is not uncommon to see a couple that has been together for many years having participated in this activity at least once during that time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
In reply to: lslk805
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 12:29am

I don't like the fact that your DH keeps harping on about the threesome thing, when he knows you're not 100% for the idea.

 


 


Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: lslk805
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 6:45am
wow, I agree....your DH sounds way too pushy on this issue.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: lslk805
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 3:11pm

I know, I do not like the fact that I feel pressured either. Quite honestly, I think it was pressure early on and now has become an "oh well" type of a thing. He has sort of stopped mentioning it so much but now I have become obsessed with finding out more about it on my own. It's like he let up a little on the chain and I'm venturing on my own and feel better about it. Though he still wants it, he mentions it and I know he would do it in an instant but he knows my take on it. He knows my thoughts, my feelings and my ground rules if it were to happen. What feels like the most pressure is the fact that he tells me to constantly call this one friend of mine. A friend whom we both know would do it but I think that it should be something that happens more naturally. Instead of calling her up in the middle of the afternoon and asking her come over for a little romp in the hay with my husband and I, I look more towards the situation being more social. Not so "arranged". The "arrangement" makes me too nervous. I feel that if and when it should happen it will happen ya know? Does that make sense? I also have issues with this one person being the Mom of a friend of my daughter's.....I mean, there are no guarantees with anything in life and I don't want to feel obligated to remain in her good graces for the length of my daughter's time in school. I've only known this woman two years as it is, we've become good friends and can talk about anything as we have discussed this subject before but that doesn't mean that tomorrow she might get mad and start spreading the news.... I have just not come right out and asked her to do it with my husband and I.
I have asked him before if he thought this was something that he would want to do repeatedly all the time and he says he can't say for sure but he might like it to be something that we do occasionally. I'm not getting committed answers on some things from his end. He doesn't tell me that this is something he just want to experience with me and that he's not thinking of it as a lifestyle. He says how can he say what he wants when he hasn't even experienced it yet. I say, how can I do it knowing that you could say you absolutely love it and want someone who will do it every weekend?? I've even asked him if this meant so much to him that if I didn't comply would he consider leaving in order to find someone who would suit his needs. He does not give me a straight answer. I know that sex is important in any relationship and that it matters that you can have great sex with your partner but if he loves me as much as he says why would this fantasy unfulfilled cause him to leave me?????
He says he loves me, I have no doubts about that, he is a wonderful husband, great provider for our family but when it comes to sex he wants this open door to anything that could happen and I want more of a commitment as to what will and will not happen. I mean, is it wrong to want to go into a threesome without him having sex with the other woman??? Is that not the norm?? I don't want to see that and know in my heart of hearts that when all is said and done, I will feel differently about our relationship.
We do have a good relationship now but I'm a little hesitant to think that the normal bedroom routine will be enough for him after he's experienced this long awaited fantasy. I don't know. I asked him that and he said he didn't know either. Well, how can I go willingly into the unknown? How do I go into the threesome thinking that I could be altering our relationship forever because he won't commit to just a little freaky once in awhile instead of an ongoing, have to have lifestyle? Wouldn't I be silly to go into it without some sort of commitment on his part??? Gosh, it sure is good to get some feedback on this...Thanks sooo much......

Girlunsure

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: lslk805
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 3:29pm

Yes, I do get your point. If I sounded like I didn't want one then maybe I should clarify. I don't have to have one, I don't think about it 24/7 like I think sometimes he does. I don't always look at my girlfriends wishing I could bring them home but yes the thoughts do come to mind. I would enjoy the experience if I knew exactly what I was getting into with him. I want to know if this is something he would just like to do once in awhile or just once or something. I already know what I want out if it. I feel he wants the door left wide open to make any decision that he wants to so if he decides afterward that he absolutely loved it and he wants the lifestyle, the freedom to do it again and again that he won't feel guilty for leaving me because he never commited to anything in the first place.
As of last week he has even asked if I wanted to swap or swing. I just don't think the actual act of intercourse is something I want either of us to engage upon during the "event". I have a strong feeling about that. I feel cheated on just thinking about it..lol. The rest of the ideas, fantasies, thoughts on it due turn me on as they do him. I'm up for any of the other to get us both back together in the end having sex with each other. He doesn't seem too crazy about the restriction, like he would do it that way because of my request but truly it is not what he wants, he wants more....I don't think that I can give more than that. Do people not do it that way? Does everyone go into it thinking they will have sex with the outside person/persons involved?? I mean, is that the idea of the whole thing? Way back one time I do remember my husband saying "isn't that the point?" when I said what I did not want.....IS that really the point of it all?????
Like I said, couples having sex in the same room with us, someone filming us having sex, a vacation away to a place where we can act out some of our fantasies (short of intercourse with another person) & even the threesome have been talked about and discussed in great length between us over the years but I feel a lack of commitment on his part to compromise on my behalf. Does that make sense?????? I hope I'm not blundering here. I just really think it's awesome that people talk about this, I never knew, lol. Thanks again, it's been great getting your thoughts on the whole thing, looking forward to more..

Girlunsure

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
In reply to: lslk805
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 3:34pm

Hi girlunsure,


The "golden rule" in swinging is that our own partner is #1, no matter what - we respect each other and our feelings, above all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
In reply to: lslk805
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 4:19pm

"A friend whom we both know would do it but I think that it should be something that happens more naturally. Instead of calling her up in the middle of the afternoon and asking her come over for a little romp in the hay with my husband and I, I look more towards the situation being more social. Not so "arranged". The "arrangement" makes me too nervous. I feel that if and when it should happen it will happen ya know?"


Just having it happen, without any conversation about it

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