Threesomes?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Threesomes?????
24
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 4:56pm

ok if you are one of the many people that can do a three some with your partner then please answer this for me.

Are you really in love with your partner if you can watch them have sex with some one else?
Do they really love you if they can watch you have sex with some one else?

Very Confused....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: lslk805
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 8:08pm

Hi there,

"The "golden rule" in swinging is that our own partner is #1, no matter what - we respect each other and our feelings, above all. The relationship matters more than the play. Another "rule" of swinging is that nothing happens any faster than the slowest partner feels 100% comfortable with. This is about respect, too."

First I have to say thank you for all of the information. I'm still trying to get a handle on it all. It is so new to me that people talk so openly about it. I know now that I was definitely a "sheltered" young adult, lol. I knew of strip clubs, I knew of "stuff", I just did not know of anyone who did any of it or talked openly about it. Now I wish I had. We both have agreed that what each of us wants is the number one priority. He says he wouldn't do anything that I was uncomfortable with and I doubt that I could even think of anything he would be uncomfortable with, lol. I am the slowest partner for sure. Not the opposed one but the slowest, most apprehensive, yet willing. I think that is a good thing.

"Most people who engage in these activities will advise you that trying to seduce "vanilla" friends for sex is a bad idea. It can backfire in many different ways. My husband and I are swingers, but if my husband suggested that I try to seduce every girlfriend I've had, it would be annoying and NOT cool. He doesn't do that. ;-)"

I have tried to explain my thoughts on this point but he seems pretty sure that it would never affect anything in my friendship with this person nor our relationship as Moms at school etc.....I have to think that this would not be the case or he would have solicited his own circle of friends at work by now. It has become annoying but I feel sometimes like he's grasping because we haven't ventured out any other way ya know? (Okay, well over the holiday weekend this month we did get a little carried away around the campfire in front of our neighboring campers....public displays of more than affection, lol & that was totally cool - especially since I was not arrested :-)...)At one point he said he'd give anything to just be hiding in the closet while my girlfriend and I went at it. What I tried to tell him is that I am not attracted to women that way. I mean, fantasy wise with him involved is one thing but myself alone in a room with a chic and him just no where around doesn't do it for me. I really should consider letting him read your post, there is so much information there from a female perspective. I'm not sure what impact it might have on the whole idea but I feel like he gets the macho man ideas from all the guys at work and especially those that have done it and he comes home just with these thoughts of how we should just pick up the phone and call my friend down the road and go for it. He says I think too much, I play out too many "what if's".....but I feel like I have to get a clear picture for the both of us of what to expect ya know? He says he won't have sex with anyone because I don't want him to but he doesn't ask me what else is okay or not okay....Soo much to consider here....lol.

"The fantasy of it can often be a lot better than the reality, especially at first. Some of the most common advice I read on swingers boards, is to keep alcohol out of the equation. One reason for this is being drunk can cause somebody to cross the line, do something that the couple had agreed not to do, and more. A lot of "disaster stories" revolve around too much drinking mixed with these kind of activities. ;-) Also, it's pretty normal for your very first experience to be awkward. It's important for the couple to talk a lot about it, afterwards. Talk about what was good about it, what you liked, what you didn't like, what you'd do differently, next time. This is how couples formulate their own personal set of "rules" for how they prefer to do things. Every couple is different. You should know your preferences and boundaries, and both of you be in agreement on them, before you do anything more. It's natural to keep refining your "rules" as you go along, and as things come up. With time and experience, couples often open up to a little more than they previously wanted to. It has to be mutual, of course."

This is exactly how I feel, like we should have set boundaries and rules....I do know now to keep alcohol out of it, learned the hard way. I'm not sure I want the "time" or "experience" in this though. I'm looking at it right now with the idea of doing something fun, something totally hot and new and exciting.....not like something I have been wanting to do for years like my husband. That may make no difference whatsoever but knowing him like I do, I'm afraid that he'll just want more and more and I won't want to go down that road with him. Not having that security of him saying, Ya babe, let's just do it and see what happens, I just would like to check it out and I don't want to live that way all the time...Ya know what honestly scares the heck out of me??? The thought of him liking it so much that he will want to do it all the time.....Like we won't be able to have a normal, at home sexual relationship without some sort of freakiness....Does that make sense?

"You and your husband (as a team) are in total control over what happens, when it happens, how often it happens, if it will ever happen again. Some couples are into it as a Lifestyle and their entire social life revolves around it. Some have a few special friends that they see, when they can. Some go to a swing club or resort very occasionally, maybe even just once a year, or less. It can be anything you want it to be."

I can honestly say now that I do not want it as a lifestyle, I do not want my social life to revolve around it at all. I want to go out with other couples, laugh, party have a great time and know that we can still do that without having to do them at the end of the night....I just want a little bit of fun now and again, something for us to get into once in awhile that's different.....We have talked about swing clubs but do not know of any in the area. We have a ton of strip clubs and the other day we talked about going to one of them but I have to admit, I feel a bit hesitant because it seems like I'll be "on display" and I'm not that kind of person. I'm personal, private and open minded. In a room with another couple or another person would be cool but in a club where people are watching me for my reactions is too much for my little mind, lol....

"It's not wrong to not pursue it. First, you have to be sure of what you want. But, if you do want it and decide to just wait for an opportunity to fall in your lap without looking for it, it may not happen. Whether you live in a big city or a small town, people who are into it are everywhere - literally. People find them online, through adult profiles. Or, they search online for adult lifestyle clubs in their area. Through profiles, you'll find people everywhere. The clubs are usually in cities."

I think my husband has resorted to the fact by now that it won't happen so that is why he has been so persistent in asking me to ask my friends. We are rarely without our kids and out alone so he goes for what's the easiest...ask a friend nearby. I know that isn't the answer so I came here for advice. I wasn't sure where else to start. The most of the reason that my husband is so atimate about me asking someone that I've known is because of the cleanliness issue. Picking up complete strangers in the club is not exactly his style. He hates smoking and does not enjoy club atmosphere at all.

"No, it's not bad. What you're describing is that you are open to soft swing, only. There are many variations of soft swing, like the one you already mentioned. Here are some degrees of soft swing:

Having sex with your own partner, but while in the same room as other couples who are probably also having sex. This may be happening in a private home, a hotel room, or even an on-premise adult club.

Being with a third partner or another couple (3some or 4some), and the activity may include kissing, caressing, touching, oral (some or all of the above), and intercourse is only with your own partner.

If you define as a couple exactly what it is you both are willing to do (talk a LOT), and if you decide to put up a profile on an adult site to start meeting people, you'll want to share these specifics so people will know what you are looking for and what you want. You'll see many other profiles with similiar interests, and that's how you find people you want to start talking to, and maybe meet. (Socially at first, of course. In a public place.)

Other things to decide:

Same-room or separate-room, or both. If you never want to be separated during play activity, you are a "same room only couple". If you only play separate, going into different rooms, you're a "separate room only couple". I'm pretty sure you already know where you want to go with that. My husband and I are same-room-only. That's something else to share with other people.

Friends-first, or just keeping it casual: Some couples are only comfortable if they get to know the others in a more personal way, maybe socializing several times, before anything sexual happens. This is fine. If you want it that way, tell that fact to others - you're a "friends-first couple". There are other couples just like that who also want to go at that pace. Some couples want to meet socially at first, but may want to move quickly either on that same night, or at the next time you get together. They might not be into making "friends". This is fine too, just something for you to be clear about.

It's perfectly fine that if and when you get together with a woman for a 3some or with a couple, to keep the progression of what happens just as slow and gradual as you wish. If you only want to be in the same room without any contact with the others, even after seeing them several times, it's fine. If you eventually want to add some touching, that's fine, too. Like I said before, you're in control. Don't let the others push you. If you meet somebody and they're getting impatient with the pace, let them move on. You'll probably find the best compatibility for now with other people who are new and want to go slow, too.

Well, that was a lot....hope that helps! :) Why not bring your husband in on this? Have him read all the answers you get here, and read this board together. Your husband needs to know how you feel!!!

If you are seriously looking for all the angles and would like to see advice from many hundreds of people who are experienced in these things, I highly recommend swingersboard.com. Read the forums there (questions and answers). It's free, it's not a pick-up board, it's conversational, great for learning (they have excellent resources, FAQ's). Many of the people who post there are very articulate and give great advice. You'll also read what not to do in the "situational help" forum. It has been the very best resource for my husband and I. Please let us know how it goes!"

So, there IS a name for it?? Soft swing?? Hmm, how cool is that. Yes, that describes me perfectly. Just some fun, in the same room with my husband and no intercourse with anyone else. I'm sure he would have a ton of fun doing different things to some girl but he says at this point he has a huge picture in his head of just watching me and another girl...that's what he wants to start with. He wants to watch me take the initiative on her and just start kissing her...Not so hard to do.....just got to have some rules in my book I guess. I don't know. I'm open to the soft swing, both of us always in the same room, 3some or 4some and no intercourse & anywhere but my own home. Preferably further away where I won't continuously run into these people or like you mentioned have someone who is constantly around in my circle who might want to continue to do it when I do not.
Thank you again for sooo soo much insight into this, it's such a relief to know most of all that I am not crazy in my preferences. I was starting to feel like because I had these requests, limitations or preferences that I was some sort of prude for not going into it full force. Any more information you would have or insight is greatly appreciated. I'm forwarding this all to my husband, I'll let you know how it goes over. I'm a little scared to bring it up with him, this board and all this information. Why? Because I feel like since there are so many people out there that would do more than me, he might rather have that.....my own sense of insecurity talking but he's a handsome guy, ex-male dancer, great body and could have anyone he wanted and there are many out there that would do all that he wanted........Yes, he chose me, I know I know....
Thanks again....

Girlunsure

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: lslk805
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 8:51pm

"How do these experienced couples he knows go about it? Most commonly people find connections through local clubs, online groups, adult websites, and such. They'll connect with people who share the same interests - not run the risk of offending friends, losing friendships over it, or having gossip get out among their friends."

He says that the guy's wives just brought home their girlfriends. I guess just brought them home unplanned and they just joined in. I can't see running the risk you mentioned of losing friendships over it or having gossip travel or even having to feel like I have to maintain that friendship in a certain way for the sake of them not getting ticked off and spreading the word around. I can't imagine my daughter's reaction at school to hear such news and then knowing that all her friends might know as well. Just not cool in my book.

Just felt I needed to touch on that one...

Girlunsure...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: lslk805
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 9:32pm

I have never been to a strip club either and we just were talking about it the other day. I asked my brother about it and he says the guys at work take their wives all the time. I asked what their wives do there and he says the husbands pay for the dances and watch the girls dance for their wives.....Even my Mom said she had gone with my Dad before back in the day and I was shocked to hear that. Not sure if it had anything to do with their divorce though......
The whole experience sounds like something I'd enjoy but would be sooo nervous going in, like everyone would know I was the "new girl" without a clue and all eyes would be on me....Yikes, that is a little much but the whole picture sounds like something really hot and something I'd enjoy. Just the thought of having some girl hit on my husband is a complete turn on....as long as I can have him in the end......lol.

I have forwarded these posts to him but there is an awful lot of reading to do, don't know how much he will actually read before it's too much to think about.

Thank you sooo much for all your insight and advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
In reply to: lslk805
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 11:06am

"I really should consider letting him read your post, there is so much information there from a female perspective. I'm not sure what impact it might have on the whole idea but I feel like he gets the macho man ideas from all the guys at work and especially those that have done it and he comes home just with these thoughts of how we should just pick up the phone and call my friend down the road and go for it. He says I think too much, I play out too many "what if's".....but I feel like I have to get a clear picture for the both of us of what to expect ya know?"


Hi girlunsure, you are being wise to think and to play out the "what ifs".

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
In reply to: lslk805
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 1:24pm

I thought of one more thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: lslk805
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 7:06pm

Well maggie kelly, I brought up this board and my posts, shared the whole thing before even allowing him to read the email thinking if I talked it over with him first he could then read what I had learned from this board. What a mess and wow did that backfire. He was mad that I went here without him, talked to people without him, acted as though I had violated some sort of rule that should not allow me to research anything without his knowledge. He had no interest in reading anything that I sent him nor discussing the issue any further. In fact, he said that he did not think that I was ready for this, that I am not wanting it and that he did not want to hear the mention of threesomes again. We went to a social gathering on Sunday where a friend of his clearly noticed the tension and that friend stopped by just a little while ago, wanted to talk about my husband and I to see if things were okay. He was genuinely concerned because he is going through a divorce and does not want to see anything happen to us. He asked how our relationship was, how things were going etc....I told him that it is the same issue it has always been, that my husband wants me to be open minded about sex and I said I am not opposed to being more open minded but wanted to retain some sort of rule or order and preferred not to have a friggin free for all every other weekend. So the conversation turned back to himself and his ending marriage and as he left he looked at me and said, "you didn't hear this from me, but he (my husband) HAS had a threesome before"...Two guys and a girl.....I was shocked, I have asked my husband in the past and he said no. Now I am still processing the information and feel like I've been made to feel like this is all something new and exciting that he supposedly wants to experience with me and me only and he's already been there and I'm not suppose to know. I'm just lost in all this now. I feel really sooo not ready for the whole idea - but hurt and mad enough to just stop asking questions and being the smart, careful one and be more openly sexual and get him to do the two guy and me thing......to be even because he's done it before and didn't tell me. Sounds sooo childish but I can't help but feel like he's been stringing me along telling me that he wanted to do this with me, he felt our relationship was ready years ago for this and blah blah blah....and the whole time he's known exactly what it's like, it's not "new" to him, he's been there....I'm just really angry.

Girlunsure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: lslk805
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 7:15pm

Ya know what. I asked what he says about us. He says he says nothing. He says the conversations just "come up" and he says nothing about us. He has told them that he would like to do it and that is it. I'm sure now that he has probably confessed by now to all the guys that he has had his fun before with another guy and a girl....and it wasn't me and I didn't know about it til today. It was in high school so the timing is non issue but it's the principal. He made me feel like it was all about our close relationship and him wanting to experience this first time thing with me, like he has been sucking me in all along trying to tell me how awesome it would be for us to experience this together and he's already been there.............I don't know maggie kelly, I'm just a little confused now, I can't tell him that I know yet I don't feel comfortable just moving on in this loving way knowing it's nothing new to him, he's done it. There is no difference I guess when I look at the fact that he slept with other girls before I met him and I still married him but I think this is big, I think he could have been honest from the start. I know he'll say that I would have been mad and maybe I would have been because he's always said he felt we had a close enough relationship to go down this road together.....but this is close??? Not giving out the whole story for his own benefit??? I don't know.
He says that his co-workers don't really get personal. They've only touched on the subject before and not in length about anything. Do I believe him now?? I don't know.
Probably tmi I think, maybe I should end this posting now. It feels like more than this board wants to deal with....Thank you again for EVERYTHING....

Girlunsure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
In reply to: lslk805
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 9:29pm

I'm sorry to hear all this.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: lslk805
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 11:05pm

Thank you for reaffirming what I already feel. I am still hurt, still confused as to why he would make me feel that "we" were ready to do this as a couple and that these fantasies and ideas he had were all about me and him watching me and us being together with someone else when all along he's been there, done that and it's just not a new experience for him ya know? Sure, it's new with me but he led me to believe something different. I haven't decided whether or not I will bring it up. I don't want to rat out his best friend, frankly, I was surprised he even stopped by but truly, he is his friend, not mine, I don't want to come between their relationship by confessing that I know because he told me.....I may ask him again and see what answer he gives me but I doubt I will confess that I know the truth. I have always believed that the truth comes out in the end and someday it will. He may rat his own self out and tell him sometime down the road that he told me and I've known all along...Who knows.....
Thank you for taking the time to post, thank you for the time you've taken in answering all my questions and giving me your thoughts ! No matter the outcome, I'm happy to have been here and learned so much already. I wish he would read with me and learn as well. Sometimes I think maybe he just wants to do a threesome for his own selfish reasons or he'd be more open to these posts and information....It seems like he wants no logic, no rythme or reason or thoughts of repercussions...he just wants to do it....That makes me most hesitant....

Girlunsure

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
In reply to: lslk805
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 11:32pm

>>>Sometimes I think maybe he just wants to do a threesome for his own selfish reasons or he'd be more open to these posts and information....It seems like he wants no logic, no rythme or reason or thoughts of repercussions...he just wants to do it....That makes me most hesitant....<<<


That's what I would think if I was in your current situation.