Uh huh...No way...Not in your lifetime!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Uh huh...No way...Not in your lifetime!
10
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 10:57am

Ok...in the heat of the moment...


How do you let your SO know that a taboo or any sexual act just isn't going to happen?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2005
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 11:10am
I just flat out tell him "I don't think so honey" he backs off and then we talk about it when the moment is over.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 9:27am

Great question!
You know, it is this very kind of interaction that can really shape your sexual relationhip going forward from the perspective of being open, adventurous and trusting.

If it is a "no", don't let it freak you out, or at least don't let it show at the moment. I think things that are quite taboo should not be foisted on us in the heat of passion in the first place, but not all everyone is as astute as us here on taboos ;^). It should be hinted at or discussed outside the bedroom. But in this situation of it coming up in bed, remember your partner has probably struggled a bit on introducing this idea before hand and even though he/she may have put you on the spot, he/she has at least felt comfortable enough and trusts you to expose this darker desire to you. It is not a good idea to make him or her feel shameful for bringing it up or to be condescending. "No way!" or "oh no you don't!" or anything like that may feel natural to you as a defense mechanism, but it is a hard blow to your partner (in many cases) and will stimy future attempts to bring up new ideas with you. A simple "I'm not ready for that honey" or "Not tonight babe" followed by a kiss or the continuance of what you were doing prior to the 'introduction' works best. BUT, you must follow it up later with a conversation about it...telling him lovingly and not in an insulting fashion that this may not be something you are every interested in. I would almost recommend this conversation the next day. One, it shows you gave it some thought and didn't just immediately dismiss it, and two, it gives you an opportunity to come up with some creative alternatives to perhaps satisfy this desire.
This is the way I would want to be treated and how I would to it myself...not to say I have not gotten a few "Uhhh...NO!"'s in my life with no further explanation or discussion. I have seen that side of it...and it is not good.
Good luck Gracey!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 9:46am

I agree, a talk is definitely necessary.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 10:58am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 7:32pm

Dh and I have an agreement that he won't try anything new without talking to me first, outside of the heat of the moment.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 7:33pm
I'll let you know when that actually happens lol.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 2:39am

Jazz,
Had a very similar experience with my wife, a position and action duplicated
a past experience with a molester, and she screamed and jumped out of bed. It was funny a few minutes later...

As for the original question, the same answer as most others, just lovingly "not now" and talk about it later. Some taboos may be "inhibitions" that a couple may decide they want to overcome together, others may be moral upbringing that MAYBE can be rethought as part of a loving couple's intimacy, and others are just plain distateful to one of the parties. Even those things might change with time if other taboos are experienced with pleasure. But the heat of the moment is no time to push...

My wife and I have done a thing or two we wouldnt have imagined doing together 4 years ago, and this has opened us up to trying other things. Done together patiently, it has been not just great sexually, but a great way to build trust and intimacy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 6:24pm

Heheh...I had the same thought!!!


Actually, I'm teasing my man with a fantasy I *desperately* want to live out and I *know* he'll love it too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 9:52pm

....Ummmm..I wish I had been in that situation. But, DH does not venture out much. He is the one that tells me "No Way" or just plain "NO".