Cheating Fantasy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2010
Cheating Fantasy?
3
Sat, 07-12-2014 - 11:39am

Hey so I have this weird hang up, where I can only ever get off by imagining my husband cheating on me. Or even if I'm fantasizing about another man, I am imagining that man cheating on me. And when they are cheating, they are telling me how much better the other woman feels. 

Now let me just stop and say, this is not something I actually want in real life. Far from it. 

It probably sounds completely crazy, and believe me, that's how I feel. I don't know why I have this, but I have been this way my entire life. I have never been able to have an orgasm without thinking about this scenario. It's like my brain is hardwired to be screwed up. 

I was molested when I was young by a family member, which I still carry a lot of shame over. It's caused some other intimacy issues like not wanting to kiss or have intimate sex. I like being dominated, and degraded, as bad as it sounds.

I've tried to hash some of this out with therapists, but they don't give me any useful advice on how to deal with it. I just want to be able to have some normal fantasies as well, or even experience an orgasm just from touch alone. Is this even possible? Can anyone here give me some advice.

Thanks in advance. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2014
Sat, 07-12-2014 - 12:58pm

You think that is a weird fantasy? I think it is a fantasy many people have, men and women alike. It's got all sorts of eroticism attached to it, and you are tapping into that. I would simply go with it. Do you talk to your husband about it? That could be even more erotic. It might even lead him to join the fantasy with you or, better, share some of his with you. That would be a way for you to have other fantasies to play with in your mind instead of just the one. You like being dominated and degraded? No problem there either. It is a common fantasy, and one you could explore with your husband. You may feel weird having such fantasies, but if you take the step toward sharing them (as you have on this board), they will seem less weird to you. It could be that you have self-esteem issues. But that is something you will find out when you allow yourself to explore your fantasies, either alone, with your husband or with people who read this board. Once you allow yourself to have the fantasy, to explore it, and to share it, your self-esteem will rise. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2010
Sun, 07-13-2014 - 10:02am

Thank you for the reply :)

I have talked to my husband about it, and he thinks it's weird. He is also not into the whole dominating thing, and not even willing to try. So that's kind of a dead end. 

I guess my biggest problem is feeling so disconnected when I am actually having sex. If I want to enjoy myself, the only way I can is to have this fantasy, and it means I'm not even paying attention to what's going on right in front of me. I'm so in my head I feel like actually having sex is just a huge hassle, it's so much easier to just think about this myself. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2014
Sun, 07-13-2014 - 2:07pm

Too bad your husband is not more willing to get into your head with you. That's really the basis for a good relationship, and one that could move you forward together. Short of that, I wonder whether you have explored this fantasy of yours yourself. You say it is a fantasy of your husband cheating on you with another woman. Do you actually visualize them? Do you see faces? Bodies? Scenes? It could be that you are seeing this fantasy as a way of enjoying sex. That's not unusual either. Then again, could it be a fantasy of yourself with your husband, doing things you'd like to do but don't allow yourself to do. Then, too, it could be a fantasy of you cheating on your husband. After all, if he's not willing to do certain things with you, then perhaps this is a way of doing them in your imagination. You would hardly be the first partrner to think that way. If you feel comfortable, why not detail your fantasy here? How does it start?