Determining what to share

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2010
Determining what to share
65
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 3:39am

I've become aware that some fantasies translate better into "real world" sex play than others. Also there are also some fantasies that should stay private and not be shared with one's partner. my gf has the gift of knowing which of her fantasies should be kept to herself, which are likely to be successful and which should just remain fantasies. I'm new to the concept of sharing what's going on in my head that way so I dont always get it right. as a matter of fact the first time i tried to bring a fantasy i'd had into our sex life it was a disaster. my question is, how do you determine if a fantasy is likely to translate well into erotic role play or if it should just stay as fantasy. also how do people decide if something is appropriate to share with their partners or if they should keep it private?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2011
Mon, 06-13-2011 - 10:56am
If she thinks her stories would be too nerdy, she only has to read some of mine. I recently set one of mine in a comic book convention. And everything about her you relate is... Amazing... So she has no need to worry about her "audience" here.

And you dont ramble. You are open and have a lot to add to the discussion.

As for what is sexy to her, I'm finding a lot of it isn't physical, but that's okay ;) I did kind of ask. I need to ask you sometime if you ( or others ) do any wooing....

Thanks man!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2010
Mon, 06-13-2011 - 2:49pm

A problem I keep running into is misunderstanding... in talking to someone, exploring what they've done and what they're into, asking a question like "have you been with other women?" is TOO OFTEN taken as "I want you to be with a woman".

Misunderstanding has been a huge factor in many elements of my relationship with my gf so I get what you mean. When it comes to being with other women however, misunderstanding hasn't been an issue. My gf is bisexual. she was with her first girl when she was 18. and as far as her other sexual experiences, since we've known each other and been best friends for 38 years and she's been the proverbial free spirited wild child throughout her younger years (she even spent time in the bdsm scene as a dominatrix) I know her sexual history. and she's not shy about what she's into. where misunderstanding has come into play has been things like the nature of our relationship, boundaries within the relationship and the issue you mentioned, perceived assumptions about things i'm curious about at a sexual level. I'm finding that being more thorough in communicating with her in this area is reducing the misunderstandings.

I ask because I want to know - so I can respect - where she IS on that issue, it's not the same as making a demand for that.

It's important that you communicate that from the beginning. much less chance of her misunderstanding if you say "I want to ask you a few things. not because I'm demanding we do it but because I want to know more about you and what you think." When

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2010
Mon, 06-13-2011 - 2:58pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Mon, 06-13-2011 - 3:43pm

When you are in a BDSM relationship limits absolutely have to be a topic of conversation. In a non-kinky relationship one person will sometimes say to the other, "If you really loved me you'd do this for me." That can cause all sorts of issues for the couple.

In the kinky relationship our individual limits will determine the relationship. We have soft limits and hard limits. Soft limits can be stretched. For example, as a person who gets off on pain, I have soft limits for it, which means that there are items that I might not initially want to be used upon me, but I will later change my mind and ask Master to use upon me. Now, if I didn't like pain at all I would have that has a hard limit and Master would abide by that. The Dom/me cannot demand that the sub say yes to something s/he has set as a hard limit. Now, limits can be negoiated, but when a sub says "no," the Dom/me doesn't push. Of course, the Dom/me has limits as well, and the sub cannot make demands for something that the Dom/me simply feels that She or He cannot go along with. The Dom/me's limits have to be respected by the sub.

Fortunately, Master knows what my hard limits are and He doesn't make demands of me about them. He doesn't have an interest in those activities anyway, so that works out for U/us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2010
Mon, 06-13-2011 - 4:51pm

If she thinks her stories would be too nerdy, she only has to read some of mine. I recently set one of mine in a comic book convention. And everything about her you relate is... Amazing... So she has no need to worry about her "audience" here.

LOL she'd love it. she loves nerd conventions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2010
Mon, 06-13-2011 - 8:40pm

When you are in a BDSM relationship limits absolutely have to be a topic of conversation. In a non-kinky relationship one person will sometimes say to the other, "If you really loved me you'd do this for me." That can cause all sorts of issues for the couple.

I can definitely see

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2011
Tue, 06-14-2011 - 8:15am
We are similiarly nerdy then ;) I once wrote a humorous erotic D&D story about a dwarven warrior and an elf mage and what mistakes can happen exporing a dark castle when severe differences in height are involved :)

In some ways, all this feels like we're dating all over again, we just dont' ever go anywhere ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2006
Tue, 06-14-2011 - 9:04am

I have to say that you and Q have made this thread extremely interesting to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2011
Tue, 06-14-2011 - 10:37am
As far as "female science geeks go" I cann tell you that all of my crushes/long term romantic interests were ALWAYS women smarter than me, and half of them went into the sciences. All of them got at least a B.S. degree, and I married someone who was not only smarter but outgoing, and older because I apparently want to be challenged in all parts of my life (drawn out of my shell, kept on my toes, and learning from someone with more life experience while trying very hard to be an equal partner in the relationship).

I can promise that I never dated anyone for less than romantic, or occasionally, prurient interest ;) I bet very few of them were after you (solely) for your brain ;) And now the Geeks have inhererited the Earth ;)

I'm glad all this sharing is helping out not only us but but may be entertaining or at least interesting to other folks here. I like answering questions for a lot of reasons, it not only is nice to get some of this stuff out, but sometimes the act of explanation helps clear things in my mind or helps me discover things. Its also nice not to have an expectations to live up to here, so If I have problems that would be embarrassing, well they aren't' here. And the occasional chance to share my good days is nice too.

Its interesting having married somene who was in their early thirties when I married her (myself closer to a decade younger than her than not) and who was way hornier, and experienced than I, and have that swing through a phase where,until recently (due to having a child/mid life money/career/financial stress) had lost any libido, and something in the pre-menopausal thing just recently maybe spiked the hormones and the libido back on, when i'd thought it was never coming back.

All that rambling to say, its even more interesting for me now to try to figure this stuff out now. I was/am exploring a lot of my own preferences because she had all but given up on the idea of actually enjoying/wanting sex, and so It really was all about me for a while. So I continued down paths I'd started on but never eally traveled. I figured out why fantasies I'd thought about coudl become "kinks" I could enjoy.

Now its time to figure out a middle ground with a missus who is naughty, but nice,
who is married to a man (me) who craves some "not nice" treatment :) Honestly though, she has made small bits of progress on that, and huge progress on the libido side of things, and nothing pleases me more than pleasing her, so, i've got room to work on the rest :)

(sorry for the insanely long ramble)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Tue, 06-14-2011 - 11:03am
LMAO... Exactly!

kilroy1964 wrote:



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

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