Fulfilling fantasies ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2005
Fulfilling fantasies ?
11
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 3:04pm
As of late, I've been struggling with the concept of fulfilling some sexual fantasies and the good, bad and ugly of doing so.
One side of me feels that a person only has one go around and therefor, why not. On the other hand, I wonder if fantasies should stay just that. Fulfilling them A) may not live up to my minds vision and therefor be a big let down B)create guilt and lower self esteem as I have played out some fantasies that go againt the grain of our vanilla society.
Primarily, these fantasies center around threesome/foursome get togethers.
Any thoughts??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 1:12am

Certainly the fantasy is always better regarding multiple partners. Your little brain gets to control everything in a fantasy. The location, the partners, their physical appearance may be enhanced by your thoughts, their actions and reactions and emotions are all under your control in you fantasy. You control (conciously or unconciously) everything. In reality, you control only yourself and even then you can't control your own personal appearance and your own reactions and performance. The other people are autonomous individuals and you have no control over them, their tue appearance and their true reactions and the consequences.

I think that your biggest problem lies with your option A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2005
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 9:09am
So what's the consensus then? Do most of you out there feel fantasies should be pursued or left to the amagination?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 2:18pm
I don't know about a general consensus, but in my opinion there is nothing wrong with pursuing your fantasies provided you can temper your fantasy with realistic expections of what it will be like if you carry it out in real life. You should clearly understand that there can be consequences and reactions that you didn't anticipate, give some thought to the "what if it all goes wrong or badly?" and make sure that you and your partner/s are participating willingly and it is what you *ALL* want. There also has to be some agreement over when you should stop if things are not going as planned for one or any of the people involved. If carrying out your fantasy isn't hurting anyone in any way then I see no harm in trying it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2004
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 9:43pm
I think it depends on what the fantasy is. I mean anything illegal or morally wrong well no not something to be done. BUT if it isn't illegal and you have a willing partner then what's the harm? Or are you afraid that the fantasy is better than the real thing and might ruin it for you?






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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 9:13am
I think the possibility of ruining the fantasy(s)by acting them out is there. Then again, maybe not. How do you know unless you try. Realistic expectations would most likely avoid any huge disappointments, but, how does one know what to realistically expect?
What's morally wrong for one may not be for another. Are threesomes/moresomes with willing partners morally wrong? I tend to think not. What do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 5:41pm
You stated; "give some thought ******** and make sure that you and your partner/s are participating willingly and it is what you *ALL* want. There also has to be some agreement over when you should stop if things are not going as planned for one or any of the people involved." I do not disagree. My question is for an opinion. How would one prepair for this? Would a written outline agreement or script provide such smoothness in fulfilling a fantasies? What's you proceedures for directing good results? If this is a good approach then how does one present such concept?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 9:21pm

>>My question is for an opinion. How would one prepair for this?<<

I suppose it varies from couple to couple, but I think that the general sort-of approach would involve casually raising the issue of the fantasy in the first place and gauging your partners feelings about it in the first place. I think that most couples have the ocassional conversation about what they like, what they don't like, and what their boundaries in the bedroom are. I'm not saying that they are always in depth conversations but after a while you usually have an idea of what your partner is and isn't interested in.

I suppose the next step would be to indicate that said fantasy is actually something that you would, if your partner was interested, like to make a reality. This is probably the most sensitive stage. If your partner is completely uninterested or even upset by the idea then you are out of luck and it's unlikely that it will ever happen for real. If they are intrigued, interested or even share the same fantasy then it is porbably a matter of discussing it more and in more detail.

That is when you raise the "what-if?" situations, discuss boundaries, and decide upon a course of action if things do not go to plan. Of course it requires honest and open communication between a couple. If you can't talk about this in detail then I do not think that it is a good idea to try and make the fantasy reality. There are and have been many couples that have NOT discussed this in detail and have had it work. But there are a greater number that have had it fail because they did not discuss it and have a framework to work with.

Jealousy is a top issue. What if your partner, in the middle of the situation, finds that they are overcome with jealousy? What if YOU are overcome with jealousy? Stranger things have happened. I once had a partner who invited her best friend to bed with us. Her idea, but she burst into tears towards the end when I ejeculated inside her friend. Up until then she had been 100% fine with the situation.

Another partner was interested in a FFM threesome and thought that the idea of making love to another woman was very appealing. However, when I pointed out the obvious (obvious to me at least) that I would like to have intercourse with the woman too, she was hesistant and admitted that she simply hadn't considered that happening.

>>Would a written outline agreement or script provide such smoothness in fulfilling a fantasies?<<

I think that this is not a good idea. You don't need to have it on paper - it is about you and your partner. This is not some legal contract and is not about fulfilling your "obligations" as spelled out on paper. It is about trying to prepare for a situation that is very different from anything that you have experienced before. An emotional situation. A situation that has to be treated with care and consideration if you want to ensure that your relationship survives and remains strong. Anyway, you have at least three individual humans involved in a fluid and changing situation, you probably can't cover every situation and issue that will be raised, however you can consider some common ones. For example, some things that are often agreed and considered are: To not have contact with the third person unless you BOTH agree ahead of time and you are both present. Basically, neither you nor your partner are to nip out and have sex with this other person behind the other's back.
Another thing often considered is where to have the liasion. Many people will not do it at home, and if they do, they don't do it in the master bedroom or bed. That area remains "your" personal space.
Another thing to consider is how to stop the situation if either of you feel jealous or uncomfortable. Often a no questions asked policy is implimented and if either of you want to stop, you say so, you stop immediately regardless of what you are doing and you pack up and go home, no questions or debate involved.

I don't know how to tell you how to talk about this with your partner. There is no simple answer and you can't force someone to do something that they don't want to. At least, not if you respect them and want the relationship to remain strong and last.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 1:20am

You have not indicated if you are single or married. Nor have you indicated if you are male or female. My reply assumes that you are married.

Having fulfilled threesome fantasy including some of its variations, I can tell you there is a big difference between fantasy and reality. Nothing can (or will) prepare you for the event. It is very much an emotionally charged and stressful situation where emotions need to be controlled along with a very open mind. The key to success / failure in making fantasy a reality I believe revolves around the following:

1) Planning
2) Communication
3) Debriefing
4) Boundries
5) Realistic expectations
6) Flexibility
7) Relationship stability
8) Assertiveness

I would avoid the following types of situations

9) Avoiding the use of drugs including cannabis
10) Minimal alcohol consumption (if possible avoiding alcohol all together).
11)Doing it at a spur of the moment
12)Going beyond your boundries
13)Discussing threesome / foursome behind your spouse back with the other(s)
14)Spurising spouse with threesome / foursome situation
15)Participating in threesome / foursome without spouse knowing about it and without them agreeing to it.

If you do decide to go ahead with it, I would not recommend the 'baptism by fire' approach as it has potentially devistating consequences for anyone who decides to use this approach. The best thing to do is get agreement from your spouse and move as fast as the slowest member. As this approach may not be the fastest but it is more likely to garauntee a successful encounter than rushing into it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 4:40pm

I think it definitely depends on your expectations and of course on the people involved.

I have had some experiences where it was a let down and then I had a couple that completely blew me away that were better than I had imagined becuase of the spontinaeity and unknown yet good qualities that the other person brought to the threesome.

It is a tricky thing but if you plan it out carefully and discuss it thoroughly -- and I mean THOUROUGHLY with your partner, it can be a wonderful and even beautifully erotic experience. When it goes correctly, it is a completely different level of intimacy between you and your lover.

I would definitely say it cannot be a replacement for good sex between you and your lover, but rather an extension of it.

If done correctly, it is another way to share each others pleasure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 9:38am
I feel that, if your husband, wife, partner, or whoever is alright with your fantasy, then by all means act on it! Fantasies have certainly spiced up my love-life, and keep my marriage interesting once the "lights go out"!!!

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