I want to act the way I feel in bed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2011
I want to act the way I feel in bed.
31
Fri, 04-29-2011 - 10:46pm

I have had a problem since I was younger, I blame it on the guy who took my virginity. Yes I did say took, sexully molested for years. I am kinda over it all, the best I can I suppose. But the problem is this... I love sex, but I feel like when I'm having sex it's rare I get to be myself. I feel like I am always holding back to an extent. I've watched porn a thousand times, and I think to myself.. YES that's what I want to do, I wanna talk and moan and be more out there. Don't get me wrong I'm not boring by any means in bed, always up for something new, and all that good stuff. One of the BIGGEST problems I have is opening my eyes. I NEVER do it. I want to sooo bad, but I get those flash backs from the molesting, him making me look at him. Freaks me out sometimes. Or like If I keep my eyes closed they cant see me? Some what like a child playing hide and seek, but just turning their back to you...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2011
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 12:03am

There's a couple of things you could try. Focus on his eyes. Look deep into them and focus on him. The more you focus on him, the less you'll think about the molester. You can't think about two things at once. Well... you can but you can't give either thing the attention you would give it if you were only focusing on one of the things.

Close your eyes. Enjoy the pleasure he's giving you. Allow yourself to really feel what's going on physically. Think of the pleasure it's giving you. Then play a game. Open your eyes for 10 seconds. Now, I'm not talking about 1,2,3,4..... as quick as possible, I'm taking 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3... After you reach ten you close them again. Wait a while and try opening them again for say 15 seconds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2011
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 12:24am

Thank you! I recently broke it off with someone, although I'm sure we will be together again. Lol... Long story... However who ever I date next.... I'm just going to do it. Open my eyes that is, with baby steps. I feel like doing it now with someone I've already been with would be weird. Because the guy I just stopped seeing, kinda knew about my past, and it didn't bother him that I didn't open my eyes. I did ask him lol.... so curious about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2011
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 1:21am

If you're with him or someone else, try it. This guy knows about your past and if you tell him what you're doing and why, I think he'll be understanding. Did you kinda drop out of his life? I'm just wondering if perhaps you're afraid of commitment, because of what happened. Just something to think about. I am not judging or anything like that. I just wanted to give you some food for thought just in case you were running away from something. If there are other issues, then you're better off without him. Hope you stick around and keep us posted on things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2011
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 1:40am

I can see where you would think that. But no, we were friends for many years now and lasy year hooked up and had been for just over a year, but like any female hooking up wasn't enough and he didn't want to have a relationship, or just not with me I guess. It's complicated really, but that was a short version lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2011
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 1:51am

Sorry to pry. I am glad that you're not squashing relationships because of what happened. I hear about people having a fear and they avoid it by squashing things in their lives that could present them with that fear. Maybe he's afraid of getting "too close". It's good that you are staying friends with him. Sometimes, people look back on a past relationship and think, "if we were older, we probably would still be together".

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2011
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 2:05am

Yea he's not ready... But we are "older" I feel like I am going places, have goals, working, just finished school, wanting a real relationship in my life I am 26. I have been married, been through ups and downs most people don't go through, or that take a life time. I have been in several relationships in my life, I love them. I don't have to be in one, but it's nice to share your life with someone else.

He on the other hand isn't working at the moment, doesn't even have a valid licence because he doesn't have a car so doesn't see the point in keeping it. He lives at home (which I'm ok with) has gone to school, and is going back but for "fun" classes, I was his first for everything kiss and more, I feel like he really wont ever be ready! He has depression worse than I could ever imagine, I struggled with it to growiing up... But I feel like now in my life, I just want to be happy, I have so many things I want to do and I don't want anything to stop me! Really I wish he would get things

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 9:27am

Jersey,

I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I am thankful though that you came here and Shadows, oh I'm so proud of him, gave you some of the best advice. Baby steps.

However, I double majored in Psychology and one thing is you need to see a professional. Yes, I'm broke as well (I receive disablity) but have found a therapist to talk to. And yes, they will report it but because they are obligated by their profession to protect you and others this man could hurt. You could be some other girl's savior for telling the proper people who can stop him from hurting her.

I do hope things work out for you and sorry if I seem pushy.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2011
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 11:08am

well i know he hasn't done it since, he is still a big part of our family. which kills me but we act like nothing happened. i think i said something to him once because he was rude to me, he acted like i was crazy and he never did it, that was upsetting, but i

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 2:47pm

Jersey,

I'm so proud of you for all your courage. And anytime you need to talk, you've got all of us here.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2011
Sat, 04-30-2011 - 4:56pm
You are better off moving on. You and he are at different points in your life and believe me you want someone who knows himself, can support himself and is ready to move out of his parents' house. IMO a person can't really grow into becoming an adult while still living with their parents. No matter how old the son or daughter gets, if they are still living at the house, the parents will always treat then like they're 15. I've been out of either parents house since I was 18 and they STILL treat me like I'm 15. This guy will never grow up until he's out of the house, working, paying his own bills. You don't want to wait around for that.

The molester is still in your lives? I must have missed that somewhere. I don't think I could be in the same room as someone who did something like that.

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