Question mainly for men?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Question mainly for men?
33
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 4:17pm

I am going to ask this since this board is so open and honest. This is mainly for the men but ladies you can reply also.


I will just be blunt and not sugar coat it. For at least 5 years maybe more hubby has had a hard time keeping an errection. He just turned 40 and has a clean bill of health. Years ago I ask him to try viagra, he told me no. So as many of you know I get my needs met by someone else. Also he spends many hours looking at porn. My question is he has stated he wanted to our relationship to be good. Why would he not consider viagra or something like it? Could it be that he is just to use to the porn and pleasuring himself to keep it up for sex with me? I have just given up on having sex with him. At this point I guess I am trying to figure out if it is worth trying to stay with him in a sexless marriage. Of course there are other things that are not working in our marriage I am trying to sort things out to decided if divorce is just the way it will have to end. After being together for 19 years it is hard to end it for good. At this point it is like we are two friends living together and yes he has some good points. So do I settle for a friend as a husband and step out on him when I need my needs met? I dont' know why I ask that last question cause I know no one can answer that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 11:52am

"Once I had my first daughter he seem to see me as a mother not his wife. Because of the past I do believe he knows I am open to many things, I have proven that one ( i was surprised at myself)."

I know of couple in real life.Two years ago they had a baby. The husband was a bit hesitant for his wife to give him oral sex anymore.The reason was,you are the mother of my son, you kiss my son, you feed my son, yuo take care of my son. There wild sex came began to taper off. Because the mother of his child was not suppose to act like slut,porn star or a sexul hugry female she was before they got married and had a child. It took them a few months to work it out. Now they are back to having sex all the time.

In other words he felt like they raunch sex was wrong because she was the mother of his son.

Does that make any sense.

Male65401

give me some time to comment on the other stuff

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the thingsyou didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines.Sail away from the safe harbor.Catch the trade winds in your
sails.Explore. Dream.Discover" ...

resize2.jpg image by Roy5k2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 11:58am
Male that does make sense. I have thought of that. Thing is since have the child we have done more
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 12:13pm

Something someone else said brought something to my mind. Since we did split up for a year and I was with other men, and since hubbys apperance has changed quite a bit maybe he doesn't feel I am attracted to him. If he is some how picking up on that he thinks I am or will cheat on him, I know that would affect the situation. Then again maybe since he has gotten use to not having sex for so many years he is just used to it.

Maybe somehow he is disgusted,ashamed or something about your other partners. Maybe he feels you are damaged goods since he knows you had other partners. Maybe during that time he did not have any partners. Either by his choosing, or not abel to have a sexual relationship with other women. ( I know that sounds bad, but just throwing out ideas). Maybe he does not feel sexually attracted to you because of that.

I think it will take some counseling sessions to work it all out. But like you said life is too short. If he is unwilling then it is up to you.Maybe for your own peace at mind you might want to try counseling to try and understand it all.

You do what is in your heart.

Male65401

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the thingsyou didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines.Sail away from the safe harbor.Catch the trade winds in your
sails.Explore. Dream.Discover" ...

resize2.jpg image by Roy5k2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 2:28pm

First, I would like to say that I am sad for you and the situation in which you find yourself. You sound like a wonderful woman with a keen sense of kindness and understanding.


I started having E.D. quite a few years ago. The triumvirate of solutions (Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis) were an answer to my prayers and needs. I did not hesitate to seek and get the assistance. It has worked well. I am surprised that your H will not consider it. Sounds like an excuse to continue his relationship with porn.


Porn is a problem.............not from a moral view, but from an addictive sense. If you allow yourself to do so, it can become all consuming, and I believe, a substitute for a healthy relationship.


It is wonderful that you have taken every opportunity to communicate with your husband and been considerate of his weaknesses, but it is probably time to focus on yourself and the remainder of your life.


Caveat: This is just my opinion. I have gotten beaten up a little for expressing it on other boards.


Good luck and God Bless.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 3:05pm
You won't get beat up here. We respect that everyone has their own opinion.

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friends.png image by nhgal2006



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 5:54pm
I tried to take what you said with an open mind. Why would he begg to come home and say he would not leave when I ask him to if he felt disgusted by it all? I know you can't answer that. I am just thinking out loud. NOt jumping down your throat either, just trying to make sense of it all. I honestly 100% dont think he was with anyone else. He really could have issues that I was with other people. We never discussed how many or how it went. He would ask and I always down played it. Of course he had to ask about size like most men would, and honestly I told him that wasn't the issue, that no they were not bigger. I saw no reason to say things that would cause more hurt. I think counseling is a good idea for me. I think a normal woman would have just up and left by now.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 6:01pm

Ltt2008, not only were your words very kind but also very insiteful. I have to lean towards your feelings on the porn I do feel it may have replace a lot in our relationship. I am not bitter about it, it is just a fact. I am not sure but I think there are men that can take it or leave it, he is one that has been involved with it since 8years old. At one point in our relationship I tried my best to compete with it, I would give him pictures or movies of myself but he still had to have the porn so I just accepted it.


I can honestly say you will never get beat up on this board for expressing your opinion. Just as long as you dont' get real nasty about it and then you might get a private email. I think I speak for everyone when I say " we try to support eachother and keep open minds" this board is one of a kind and I am glad you shared your imput. Thank you so much


Sometimes when I write the truth about what is going on in my life I feel like such a Bi--h but I know others will realize I am just feeling my way threw this thing we call life

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 6:36pm

Hot, I'm in much the same situation.

It's very easy to tell right from wrong.  Wrong is the FUN one.           

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 7:11pm

Having been in a similar situation myself, these are my thoughts:


1) If he is getting off to porn a lot, then there can't be any issue with him maintaining an erection.


2) If he is getting off to porn a lot, then this could very well be the physical reason why he can't maintain an erection with you.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Sat, 03-08-2008 - 1:00am

"He knows that I am not in love with him....and I really believe he is willing to settle for what we do and do not have. "


Of everything you stated, this is what stands out the most to me...


If he knows you arent in love with him (not assessing blame for who doesn't love whom here), that could be a great reason he is spending time with porn.