Sex & Pain...help me understand

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Sex & Pain...help me understand
39
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 7:51pm
For those of you that are into pain (giving or receiving), can you explain what is it about pain that turns you on?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 11:04am

Hi there,


Well, in my opinion, its never ok to engage in BDSM play without a safe word, I don't care how much you trust your lover. If he loves and cares for you he will want it to, it keeps it safe and no matter how much you trust someone, in the heat of the moment they could slip and the damage that causes is irreversable. Sorry to sound like a nazi, I just am just

lothmaybe1.jpg

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 11:06am
I gotta see that movie!
Siggy
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 1:11pm

Hi Cindy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 2:21pm
Thanks for the help guys!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 2:57pm
take it one step at a time. Talk to him about it outside the bedroom. Let him tell you what he was "thinking about". Then start from there. Also remember there was some history. So take it slow. Just talk to him about it. Good luck.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2006
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 3:04pm

If it were me, I would be sure that there had been enough conversation between the two of us so that each individual understood what the other's comfort zone was.











iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 3:29pm

I've got to agree with Moon here...shes so wise ~wink~......you two need to talk about it thouroughly before diving right in. Hard limits need to be set, a safe word needs to be established and you both need to express what it is you want out of this experience, because it will change the dynamic of your relationship. How it changes it will be determined by the outcome of the experience.


I guess my bigger question is....do you really want to delve into BDSM or just have kinkier sex? Because there is a big difference. Your comments thus far lead me to believe perhaps you're not completely clear on the difference or what it is exactly that you want. BDSM isnt just about getting tied up, having rough sex and being whipped. There is an emotional element there that alot of people aren't prepared for. This is why discussion and communication is so key. Especially if you've come from an abusive relationship (sisterhoney knows more about that than I..I'm sure she'll be along at some point) You may be comfortable with it, but your new husband may not be since he knows the history with your ex. If you jump right in and someone isnt prepared or comfortable it can drive a wedge between the two of you and that violates trust. Trust is the key ingredient here, and without communication, there can't be the trust that is needed to allow yourself to experience that type of vulnerablity in a safe way. Does that make sense?

Lothiriel


corset.jpg corset image by NicolaD_2006


All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without benefit of experience ~Henry Miller

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 3:37pm
Yeah, I totally understand the emotional part of the BDSM thing and thats what I really want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Wed, 08-27-2008 - 7:43pm

Lothiriel is definitely right when she says not to push your husband on this, especially if you or he isn't sure this is what he wants. Everything in BDSM is negotiated, discussed and wanted/needed on both parties. And each person, Dom/me and sub has the right to stop and say no, I don't like this. BDSM brings in a completely new set of emotions that vanilla sex doesn't involve. I was in a 10 year vanilla marriage with an abusive husband. I've been with Master for 10 years now and I always, always have use of my safeword, even though I trust Him implictly and He has never intentionally hurt me. I've known since puberty that I was kinky and submissive and a BDSM relationship was what I wanted. I was in an online relationship with Master for a year before W/we met IRL, so that by the time W/we actually met, I was well-trained to serve Him. However, because of my abusive background, W/we took things slowly and didn't rush into it, even though I was almost 40 and been wanting this since I was 12 years old.


There are so many aspects to BDSM that I doubt there is any one person who is into every single aspect of what all is involved. Like Lothiriel said, there is a lot more to it than being tied up and whipped. There have been plenty of times when Master and I will be in the middle of a scene and I'll get so overwhelmed that I will start to cry. I have never been that emotionally involved during vanilla sex. A lot of times when people first realize that BDSM is what they want they are like a kid in a candy store and they want to try a little bit of everything and don't slow down. They just rush towards everything and leave their partner behind in the dust, not realizing that the partner is overwhelmed as well and unsure of what is going on. The best thing is to take one thing at a time and not rush yourself or your partner. And discuss everything. Communication is the key to a BDSM relationship. You should always be aware of what your partner is doing and feeling at all times. If you are the one in control make sure that he is not in any kind of harm at any time and vice versa if he is control. Safety is first at all times, because a lot of newcomers to this don't realize that a lot of BDSM activities are potentially harmful or fatal if you don't know what you are doing. And this is particularly true if you are planning any kind of edge play at all. Though I wouldn't recommend edge play until you've been involved in the lifestyle for

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