swinging

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2013
swinging
7
Fri, 03-01-2013 - 12:07pm

So, my husband and I have a fantastic sex life, sex all over the house, toys, in public, I've said no to nothing until now.  I thought things were ok until last summer, he told me it would be a huge turn on to see me with another man??? Then, it went on to group sex, swinging clubs, none of which we have done ...yet. He's very upset sometimes that I am not open to this and jumping in with both feet, which I don't get. I asked him if there's something he's lacking in our sexual relationship , he says no, he's never loved someone enough to want to share this with them. We've been together for 8 yrs. Is this his way of sleeping with other women infront of me? Making it ok because I am with another man?? I'm not like this, I don't sleep with people unless I have feelimgs for them, which he of course says I'm just not open minded. I thought he was up to something last fall, checked his email ye I know it was wrong to do that, but I found correspondence with a couple from Craigs List and he was offering to take care of this mans wife while the husband  watched. He of course said it was a joke and flipped out because I went through his email. I don't really know how to take all of this, a little input would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2012
In reply to: jbm0731
Fri, 03-01-2013 - 2:34pm

I think he needs variety, and I don't mean with other women. Are you refusing or rejecting everything he suggests? I'm like you, I don't particularly enjoy sex without intimacy. I think that men have fantasies about things they haven't tried; they have fantasies about their women, too, having sex with other men when they're not very self-confident about their own performance in bed. I think imagining me with another man is a man's form of very mild masochism. That's my experience. They don't say anything to you and then one day it all comes out how you were flirting, you liked a "big man," he saw you looking at someone else, etc. I'm a loving and faithful woman and I wouldn't hurt anyone, but if they have fantasies about me with someone else, I then suggest we play some games that will satisfy his masochism (you can imagine what). It's exciting for me, too, to do that to him and with him. At least, I can see that it is and so re-channels these other silly fantasies.But I won't just agree to do anything with other people. I have done that, and it wasn't very good for anyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
In reply to: male65401
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 8:23pm

resize2.jpg image by Roy5k2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
In reply to: manunit
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 1:27pm

Some people want more variety in sex and maybe you can meet him half way.  By that I mean to role play with him.  Start giving him a hand job and ask him if he'd like you go go down on another man?  He'll say yes.  Then  ask him if he'd like to watch another guy enter you....  Just role play this and tell him you would like to go down on other men in front of him (but telling him that it's a role-play fantasy).  

A lot of men like dirty talk.  So talk dirty to him about having sex with other men and see how he likes it.  He'll probably get off on the remote possibility that you may do more without really doing more.  

Are you comfortable with this kind of dirty talk?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2013
In reply to: jbm0731
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 1:53am

There is similarity and difference between your story and mine. My wife announced one night that she'd like to find a boyfriend because my anxiety with sex. I was hurt at first and then turned on by the thought so I took to CraigsList to find a male partner to join us before continuing the discussion with my wife. I did find someone seemingly "normal" and exchanged correspondence with him before approaching my wife. My wife then confessed that she was just joking (not a funny joke to a guy with an anxiety disorder) so nothing ever came from the inquiry. I had been in a one-time situation with a married couple in my younger years. They are no longer together. In short, there is a fine line between fantasy and reality and the expression, "be careful what you wish for" may be a good lesson for your husband. The best thing I can tell you is to keep the conversation going with your husband on his wants, needs, and even his fantasies.... and don't be afraid to share your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2013
In reply to: jbm0731
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 9:50am

Im going to give you a little insight from my personal experience. I was with my now soon to be ex-husband for 3 1/2 years before we decided to do this. We also had a great sex life but this was something we thought we would enjoy and it was at first. This wasnt something we hid I defended it even saying we were being honest with each other instead of going behind each others back. It was all good until I met my now boyfriend. Once I met him it turned from a fun sexual experience to HE was what I really wanted. I thought that it was was ok b/c it was just sex but in my case as I see it now I was looking for something else even though it was a sex thing in actuality it wasnt about the sex at all it was emotional. As I sit here now, I would NEVER let anyone even think of touching my man and I have no desire to be with anyone else at all. FYI I was against it at first to then once it happened I was the one wanting to do it all the time. So in my opinion you should think about all of these things, but also on that same note if I hadnt did it I would have never found the most amazing guy a girl could ask for so in my case I guess it was a negitive and positive. Take with that what you will. The thing that bugs me about this situation is that he was seemingly to be trying to take part in a swinging or group situation w/o you. I dont know him but it seems he gave the whole "it was a joke" excuse after he got caught. That would be a red flag to me. I definitely thing this situation is risky but doesnt have to be an all or no kind of thing. I think an open honest conversation would be of a little clarity. Hope that helps :)

Avatar for annie66
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2011
In reply to: jbm0731
Fri, 04-12-2013 - 7:00am

A lot of men fantasize about their wives having sex with another man. About 7 years ago we decided to take the plunge and see what would happen. We haven't turned back. We have an open marriage although my husband has rarely been with other women. I was a promiscuous teen and I've always had an intense sex drive but the difference now is that I enjoy  intimacy with my partners even when we have threesomes. We're not swingers since we don't go to clubs but my husband says I'm a hotwife. I really don't like that label but I guess it fits. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2014
In reply to: mdevil58
Mon, 02-10-2014 - 9:20am
I love the hotwife lable it doesn't sound nasty it sound hot and classy for women like yourself!!