There's this younger guy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
There's this younger guy...
12
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 3:09am

Hello,

it is my first time here on this port and I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you as I cannot tell them anybody else, so thank you in advance for letting me.

I have gone through quite times since I have got to know that my husband has cheated on me two years ago. I wnet through it all: despair, hope, hate, love, hope, hate....a viscious circle. It is now almost one year since DDay and a lot of things have changed. We are still together, he seems to hope that I will love him again some day which might be the case some day, who knows? But after searching my mind every single day for months and months now I increasingly felt that there is no love for my hsuband left, in a romantic, in a 'married' way, if you understand. We are really good friends, a really good team in our family and this is what I want it to be. I hoped so much that he would show me that I am the only one for him, that he loves only me, but he didn't know what and how to do it. So, after many talks, after so much struggling, I seem to have given up, as it seems. There is no more love left. And this feeling is there since half a year now.

So here is where this story comes in: I've noticed several weeks ago that I really love looking at younger guys which is quite stupid, I know, but it was kind of fun and a relief for me, besides this I don't hurt anybody by feeling this way.

Now there is this much younger guy here in our little town (I#m 40 and he is only 25 or so), he is training my youngest boy in soccer (what a coincidence: my husband was the trainer of the daughter of the skank he so desperately wanted to sleep with.) There is no danger ever that there will happen anything between us because this is only ridiculous regarding my age and his, regarding my weight...but you cannot imagine how good I feel lately! I take care of myself now, something I didn't do for years now and which is probably the reason why my husband strayed, I feel attractive and sometimes even a bit sexy and forget that I'm not in reality (I got shocked when I looked in the mirror some days ago - I usually see only my face and neck and breast when I'm in the bath room, but this was a large mirror wo I had the dubious delight of seeing my whole self. Uuuugh!), I hold my head high, I even do some make-up now. Some of my friends noticed and talked to me about it, so you see how unusual this is for them! I try to lose weight and even if it seem to go down and up again (I'm on medication for depression and it is harder to lose some weight for me because of it) I am not discouraged and go on.

I haven't felt so good since years and I indulge so much in this feeling! It isn't about getting this young man (even if I could I wouldn't because I don't want to do something that could be embarrassing for my kids and hurt them), but the only thought is enough for me. Of course it would be a highlight if I could be certain that I still have the powers to make a man think of me, longing for me, but it won't happen, of course. And it is better anyway. Still, as we are spending a bit time together when my son has a soccer match etc. and we get along quite well together, it is always a fine time for me.

Since I have notice my feelings for him (I have to stress that these feelings are rather sexual than romantic, but not entirely. There is a tiny bit of romance in it, I have to admit.) we have more contact than before. It is so silly, but every time he is giving me something, e.g. a piece of paper for my husband who is the youth manager of the soccer club, the whistle for the referee etc. our hands are touching and we are looking smilingly at each other. He could just let the whistle fall in my hands, but he really puts it in my hand, quite of covering my hand. *lol* In know how desparate this must appear to you and I have to laugh about myself as well (I'm glad I'm able to laugh about myself again!!), but he's just making my day!

D'you knwo what? Two weeks ago he came here to bring the player cards to us, he had his girlfriend with him (yes, of course he has a girlfriend:smileywink:). She's a nice girl, quite young of course, and I suddenly thought:"What a little girl!" It was the first time that I didn't feel inferior to younger women, regarding appearance, and sexuality of course. I know I'm more experienced in every way, well, I'm twice her age - how shouldn't I? But still it felt good, to know that I have a thing or two she doesn't have, that I am a woman, not only a girl.

Please don't judge too hard on me, I know it is weird, but again I won't to anybody no harm, only something beneficial to my brain, my soul, and my body of course when taking care of myself.

I don't have any bad feelings because of my husband. In my eyes I deserve to have some fun now, masses of fun, to be explicit, but I won't risk losing my family like he did. I don't do this because of what he did to me, it simply grew and I didn't reject it. But of course nobody will notice anything, I promise, though I'd love to get some positive reaction from him, nothing more. Only a sign that he could imagine it and not being embarrassed by me, this much older woman.

Thanks for reading,

pjf

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 7:52am

Hi there. Ok, I'm a little confused. Not sure what it is you're looking for.

If there is no love left between you and your husband, may I ask why you are staying together? As for fantasizing about a younger man, personally, I see nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't act on it. Eventually, someone/something else will come along and that fantasy will change. That's whats good about fantasies.

Have you and your husband talked about why he cheated? Stop putting yourself down. I can understand you wanting to look good, but you have to want to do it for you and no one else. I also understand about medications for depression. If you're trying to diet, see if you can get different meds.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 9:27am

Hi, well, I guess I want exactly what I have now: my fantasies and my family.

You are asking why I stay with my husband: as there are not only me and him but also our kids there is no other option for me. The kids come first and even if it is nice if you are in love with your husband I don't think it to be necessary in a marriage and above all not in a family. I respect him, I like him, we treat each other very well, but we don'
t sleep with eacht other. This is more than many other couples have together.

Our kids deserve to have both of us available

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 10:40am

Yes, I can understand it. Do you mind if I ask a few more questions, and if you don't want to answer, that's fine. I'm just curious.

Do you and your husband have an understanding about if either one of you wants to have sex with someone else? What if you meet someone? Or he does? What will happen then? Are you interested at all in having sex? You're young and it would be terrible to go the rest of your life not being with someone who will love you the way you deserve. I do believe that people can stay married without sex as part of the relationship, because that's where I am and we have no children, but we do and are in love with each other.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2011
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 11:27am

Hi, this is Roberto. I hope this is not intruding because you seem to be getting some great replies.

I am not sure if you were looking for a male perspective of this but here is what I think as I read this.

I think that all of us learn as we go through life. Even as amazing as books are, we learn most of all through our own daily

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2006
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 11:51am

PJF (love the name and the band)

I can understand this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 11:52am

Hi Roberto. First I would like to say that there is no such thing as intruding here on the boards. Anytime you want to jump in on any conversation, you are more than welcome to.

After that, I also want to say that you gave some good points there, and I thank you for that. It's always good to hear from a member of the opposite sex.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 11:54am

Well stated, Moon.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Fri, 05-27-2011 - 1:35pm

You've already gotten some great replies from the others here, so I really don't have anything to add, except that your fantasies are your own and there is nothing to be ashamed about fantasizing about a younger man (or an older one, or one of another race, culture, etc.).

I personally never thought I'd ever be attracted to a younger man, but then I met my Master. He was only 18 when W/we met and I was 37. W/we've now been together for 12 years and married for 10.

I hope that everything works out for the best for you and your husband. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 1:58am

Hi there, I'd like to thank you for all your input, it is helpful for me because I'm a bit confused about it all anyway.

To answer your questions:

Yes, I am definitely interested in having sex, but I cannot imagine having it with my husband. When I think of this young man I think of sex mostly, not of having a relationship with him or being in love with him. And what will happen if one of us meets somebody else? I don't know, to be honest. So much has happened in the past that I had to think about tghat I don't want to make up my mind about now. But I know it would be a problem anyway. It is like 'I don't want you but nobody else shall have you as well'...I live in this moment and it feels good and even if I know there is much more about it I suppress it. Times change so quickly I know all will come up again anyway so I let myself having a rest.

No, we are not going to counselling. I'm kind of specialist for therapy because of my illness (since 10 years now) and I know what therapists can do and what they cannot do. I'm used to analyzing, working out, etc. This is what I did for the last years and what has kept me alive and giving me back life at all. I've read a lot of self-help books about cheating etc. and I begged (yes, I begged!) my husband to read one himself so he could se what he had done to me and what he needs to do to help us both out of it. I would do my part, of course. He didn't read this book. He even lied about having read it. I burnt it. That is only one of the things he missed to do when it was really urgent. I told him again and again, he couldn't do it. I even told him to go to a therapist himself, without success of course. My husband always thought (and does think) that he show me enough love by taking care of the kids, and helping me in the household. But I told him that these are things he always did anyway (he is a perfect father and we always shared household chores) and that I needed something for me as a woman, as his wife. He never understood what that means. And yes, there is still some bitterness, but it is only marginal. Yet I am aware that it will always linger on a bit.

How are our kids affected? In no way, I dare to say. They know their parents as two people being there for them, all the time. We are available anytime. They know us as two people who laugh, talk, making nonsense, telling them what to do and what not to do, taking care of them. Two people going the same direction. Nothing has changed. It is like we are best friends. It is like it has always been. When I got ill our sexual relationship was very low and it remained this way for years. That is the reason why he strayed. He needed sex. So far, so good. But he could have warned me. I didn't chose this illness and it cost me so much. Of course I could have let him have sex with me, but there was nothing in me left. I couldn't barely live.

Last year things bettered, financially and regarding my health. I was looking forward to beginning life again, finally, but then I discovered that he couldn't wait anymore. It was such a slap in my face. He didn't even tell me himself.

I guess all this has lead to this point where I claim some relief and freedom for myself. I wasn't looking for it, it simply came to me. And as it doesn't change anything in the life of my family or my husband's life I can enjoy this state. I wouldn't let it go further because of all the problems that would arise and it really wouldn't be worth it, but it is perfect in and for my mind.

Yesterday we spend the whole afternoon at the soccer club as my oldest son's team had a decisive match (which they fabuloulsy won and which makes them champion of the season) as well as three other teams. It was a funny afternoon with lots of our friends. My young guy was there as well, of course and I had the pleasure to see him

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 11:59am
Hi pearljamforever!

Let me just say that it takes courage, even using a screen name, to open the door and let others in to what things are happening in our lives. I applaud you for that.

Don't worry about people judging you. I have often discovered those judgers to be cowardly and narrow minded and their opinion thusly insignificant in the grand scheme. Those that watch life and the way others live theirs do so because they don't have the balls to go out and live their own nor do they have the intestinal fortitude to face their own inadequacies, admit them, and do something about them.


Long term relationships are often complicated and not easy to sustain. One thing they never are is perfect. We can't control what our partners do, we can't change them, we can't make them grow, and we can't make them do the things that need doing in order for the relationship to survive.

What we can to is we can work on ourselves and making us, as individuals, be the person we want to be and the person we can look at in the mirror and be proud of what is reflected back. I think you've made a decision to do just that.

You've been through something very difficult with your husband. You've also done an amazing job in trying to figure out what to do and how to move forward. There is no standard answer in how to repair a marriage that has suffered an infidelity. You have to take time and slowly find your own way and you seem to be doing just that.

We laugh and tease and get wrapped up in the sexy talk around here but often I think Fantasy is a part of survival. Allowing our minds to go places we need to and do things we want to is often helpful in getting past a difficult situation. Your thoughts about this man is a way to drill into some feelings you are experiencing. It's a way to work through and react to what has happened in a way that won't cause harm to you right now. I think it's healthy and it's an indication that you are not complacent and accepting of your situation. you're trying to figure it out.

So when you look in that mirror next, don't shy away from seeing the whole of you. See the person who has enough guts to try and figure this whole thing out in a way that is best for her. Be proud of her. The rest will come.

Please stay and participate here in things that might interest you. We LOVE meeting people and spending time talking about Fantasies and all sorts of other things. We're lighthearted when we need to be and serious when we need to be. It's all good!

(smiling)

Mrs P

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