Urgent! Please Help! Need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2013
Urgent! Please Help! Need advice!
4
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 5:07am

For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at movies that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges.  The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time.


I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her?

We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication.

I am finding out who my true friends are with all of this, as a few of my guy friends wont even talk to me anymore. Was I wrong by talking to so many female friends?

The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it, or discuss it? Advice pleasE!

My wife and I have an OK sex life. It doesnt happen very often, and is often quite boring when it does.

I should add that the last 4 times my wife and i have had sex, i cant reach completion at all. Thats not good, especially when we are trying to have a baby.

I guess I am just afraid to add more stress to her plate. She has a stressful job, there are alot of outside sources of stress and I guess I dont want to be another one of them. I mean, I honestly think she knows somewhat. She makes little jokes all the time..and when we were facebooking about it while i was at work, she told me that unless i want to leave her for a man, then she didnt want to discuss it, or make a big deal of it. I am also afraid that the amount of female friends and family members ive spoken with about it is going to haunt me, as it already has somewhat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2013
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 10:20pm

The short answer is you are at least bisexual.  Your fantasies and repressed sexual desire has probably pushed your sexuality in more firmly gay orientation. Lack of ability to orgasm with wife is absolute sign that she does not interest you sexually.  One aspect to explore is to see if another woman would arouse you.  The feelings for male attraction maybe partially a self defense against concluding it is your wife specifically, as opposed to women generally.  Ask her about exploring other partners - ask her which she would prefer you be with a) a man b) a woman c) neither, ever.  Typically, i agree with others here about counseling.  However, counseling is about adjusting your desires to suit your partner, or ending your current relationship to suit yourself.  i doubt there are counselors out there that will recommend polygamy and such lifestyle likely won't suit you either.

The advantage of exploring, albeit briefly, is that you will know whether attraction requires a male presence, or is gender neutral. If gender neutral, your sexuality is more a reaction to or byproduct of your current marriage, rather than a specific and more importantly, exclusive need for male contact.

Avatar for orsun6
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2010
Sun, 01-27-2013 - 6:57pm

If you talk to friends and relatives about this it will get back to her.  You should talk with her first.  Remeber that people are not either straight or gay, there is a whole range of interests.  Lots of shades of grey.  And a lot of men have curiosities about other men.  I suggest you sit down with your wife and explain that you have been having these fantasies.  Ask her what she thinks about it.  It is much better she hears about this from you.  You never know she may have some fantasies of her own.

Tom Blair

Relationship Coach

ChangesCoaching.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 10:47am

I think that by telling a lot of people who are close to your DW that you actually want it to get back to her so you won't have to bring it up. I would really suggest that you explore this with a therapist.  I know there is a whole range of sexuality from straight to bi to gay and that because you have fantasies about something doesn't mean that you actually will do it, but you first have to figure out why you want your DW to know about this.  I mean a lot of times in married couples, one person might have a fantasy that it's better not to share with the spouse,. For example, say someone is fantasizing about being with a movie star--that's really not a threat to the marriage, but if you fantasize about your DW's best friend, it's probably better not to tell her if you have no intention of ever acting on it.  so you could have had these fantasies and just kept them to yourself--why do you want to tell her?  do you want permission from her to have the fantasies or do you want permission to actually experiment with guys.  I can tell you that although I'm very open to people being gay (have both a gay brother & son) if my DH or BF (theoretical cause I'm divorced) said that he felt he was bi and wanted to actually experiment with having sex with men, I'd certainly view that as a deal breaker cause I think that if you are married any sex outside marriage is unacceptable.  I would also think that a guy who is having trouble with sex w/ his DW and is fantasizing about men might actually be gay & denying it--that's why I think you should have therapy alone first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 9:58am

That's a tough situation to be in, having desires that you don't feel you can express.

I'm guessing that the more people you tell, the better chance it has about getting back to her. 

Have you guys ever discussed fantasies in bed? Ever watch porn with her? Have you asked her anything like, do you think two guys together is hot or something like that?

When she says that unless you are leaving her for a guy, she doesn't want to talk about it, what is her tone like? Is it that she thinks it is disgusting and doesn't want to talk about it? Or is she just like, whatever, call me when its something important?

Maybe you could bring it up and tell her that you had a dream you were giving oral to a guy, and feel it out from her reaction?