Why not ask your mate

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Why not ask your mate
7
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 6:20pm

I am confused. IF there are things a guy fantasizes about and he knows his mate would do them why doesn't he ask her?

I was recently viewing some of DH's porn. Really it is just a bunch of different girls taking care of themself. First off he didn't tell me he had made the tape, which kinda perturbed me. I know he has porn, and it has always been understood between us that porn for him is his way of enjoying somethings that are over my comfort line. He knows exactly where my comfort line is. Way past this. What I don't understand is why he never asked me to do it for him? At this point in time if he did now that I have said something it won't have the same effect, but if he has said something along the lines of I wanna see you get yourself off, I would have felt so sexy. Now I feel like it is because I am not as sexy as those girls. Yes I know my own self esteem is MY problem, but he has always sworn it was the act in porno, not the girl.

So guys why wouldn't you ask your wife to do someting that you obviously like and you have no reason to think she'd reject?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 8:30pm

I wonder that too alot. I would do about anything sexually for my BF. I suggest all kinds of things, yet he doesn't want to (not that we have a bad sexlife at all). Maybe that he thinks of a lot of these things as "dirty" and wants to keep his image of me "clean" ?
Possible?

-JF

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2002
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 8:24am
As a male, my suggestion would be because it is a "Fantasy". Some times it is exciting because it is a "fantasy". Thinking of or seeing someone else do something might seem dirty and taboo. seeing your wife and everloving might take away the fantasy for some. Just a thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2005
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 9:25am
We men are a thick-headed lot. Sometimes we overlook the obvious, and sometimes we have trouble expressing the simplest requests. As for me, I am pretty well dedicated to satisfying my GF, so I tend to put aside things that are primarily for me. (As it turns out, she's more than happy to satisfy herself in my presence, and we've got a great fantasy lined up for summer.) If I were you I would surprise him the next time you're in bed together, and go ahead and get yourself off for him. He might just be blown away by the apparent spontaneity of it all.


Edited 3/3/2005 9:31 am ET ET by jensman1021
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 9:56am

Well, if your comfort level is "way past" watching a porn, then I'm sure your DH doesn't think you'd actually DO any of the stuff IN the porn.

As a guy, I can agree its about just the act of sex in the porn, not the girls. So he feels disconnected from them as people. So if you don't even want to watch these "things", for lack of a better word, performing these sex acts, then he probably thinks you wouldn't want to do ANYTHING out of the ordinary in bed. For men, watching porn is not taboo, it almost commonplace. So in his eyes, if you don't even want to do something that HE doesn't think is that crazy, he surely isn't going to think you'd want to do anything else remotely crazy.

If I were you, I would explore some of the things you want to do that might be considered taboo, such as masturbating for him, and just do them. I guarantee he'll love it. And it might lead to more exploration on his part, knowing that you mightbe open to other things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 10:50am

No the masturbating is something that is mild compared to things we do on a regular basis? What my comort level is that as long as it doesn't involve other people or watersports I am ok with it. He has a watersports fetish, but it is something I can't get around because it is a "humiliation" thing for him. That's fine, I understand that part, I just am not up for it. We don't watch porn together because he is turned off by any males in it, and quite honestly I am tired of the girl on girl thing. Girls can't do to each other what I want to see done.

I asked him point blank last night why he didn't ever ask me, and he said it just never occured to him. He did also admit that while it is the act it is also the fantasy that these hot girls want him so bad that they can't control themselves. For the most part I could be ok with that if he would be a little more demonstrative to me in his desire.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 1:09pm
Well, it sounds like it was good that you guys talked. Maybe now that "it never ocurred to him" to ask you, he will. And then be able to be more demonstrative in his desire for you. Or at least bring up other things he might desire, and you can as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 8:23pm

I think my DH is a vouyeur - well I KNOW he is - so even if I will do something for him or with him... watching from a distance and many many angles is still a turn on.


Jennie

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