Sharing, initiating, and indulging-how?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sharing, initiating, and indulging-how?
15
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 7:08pm
I'm looking for some advice or suggestions perhaps. :)

I've told my DF exactly what my fantasies are. He shared one of his with me and that was to have anal. Well, I'm in my early 30's and never before have done this and quite frankly, I was scared to death of the pain and freaked out over the possible 'grossness' of it all. But, this is a man I truly love, respect, and trust immensely. I've never felt this way about anyone. So I agreed to look into it. I got some advice and info (from this site, actually) and bought the lube and a toy. I first practiced on myself to learn how I am back there so I can have better control when it's he and I doing it. I shared my knowledge with him and he read up on it too. The night finally came and it was phenomenal!!!!! It did hurt at first but I trusted him so much and he talked to me the entire time which really helped. But the fact that I was making his fantasy a reality and he was feeling so awsome from it, I got through and and actually orgasmed myself!!! Now we do this about once a month. For me, it was a sacrafice to make this fantasy come true for him...but I did it!

He wanted to know my fantasies, and I told him. However, they have yet to happen. One thing I want is to watch some porn with him. I know he has a few DVDs and does watch them on occasion. The very first time we talked he mentioned us watching porn together and how cool it was that I didn't have a problem with porn. After a month of my asking about this fantasy, he finally came up with a couple of DVDs but when the time came, we never watched them and he has since put them away. This was nearly four months ago!!!! I asked him again, about a month ago, if we are ever going to make my fantasy a reality and he said, "You know we will do it". And that was it. It's been like this with a couple other small fantasies of mine.

So what do I do? Get my own DVD and just pop it in myself??? I'm not that bold but it's to the point now where I have to do what I have to do. The thing with my DF is he is more reserved. He's definitely not as wild in bed as I am and want to be. He never complains though. It's just a little frustrating on my part, to be so turned on and in love yet I don't really get to act on it the way I would like.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 12:32am
Thank you for the welcome! I've been a long-time browser. I felt it was time for me to get more involved.

Thanks again...

Jill
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 9:48am
Hey there and welcome to the board!

It's nice to see I'm not the only one experience this 'frustration'. You know, I really wonder what the psychology is behind our DFs and any others like that. I'm not so sure it's a low libido. Could it be that they are a bit 'prudish' or simply shy?

I like the idea you have about scheduling time together. It's not always the most romantic thing to do but in this situation, perhaps it would do the trick. Have you tried that at all?

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 11:12am
Thanks for the welcome. =0) I agree that it comforting knowing that other people share the same frustrations. No, I don't think it's a low libido in my guy's case. It's more that work/life stress interferes or that he is really tired. My DF really needs to feel relaxed to be in the right mind-set for sex. He's really good about letting me know "why" if I am in the mood and he's not. He takes time to reassure me that he is not rejecting me and not to take it personally. He'll let me know if he's got a lot on his mind or is just really tired. The "to-do" lists for both of us are never-ending right now.

Aside from that, I do think my DF's personality is just a little more reserved when it comes to sex. It's hard to describe: he's willing to try everything I've suggested so far, but he's rarely the initiator. The exception was introducing me to anal sex. He did initiate that...and still does! He did look up some information since he was more experienced with it but I was not at all. He told me about the info. he read and followed-up by getting a good lube. Also, he figured out a few options for positions that would make it easier. Maybe that's the key...our guys have to be very highly motivated by their favorite activities to light the fire under them! (ha-ha!)

As far as scheduling times, I can't say that we've ever worked out a plan to alternate responsibilities. However, there have been times that I've e-mailed or called him during the day to give him a hot preview of what I was planning for us later at home. For instance, one day when I was feeling particularly horny, I invited him to meet me at home after I finished at the gym. All afternoon, we were both anticipating the shower followed by wild sex in different rooms of the house that I had e-mailed him about earlier-on in the day. I was pretty explicit with what positions would be fun to try on various pieces of furniture. Part of me felt guilty (he was needing to work on something else), but that went away when I found out that he was equally excited to take me up on my suggestion.

I can say that I've tried to do this "preview approach" a few times. When it works, it is unbelievably great because of the anticipation and fantasizing that leads up to the sex. However, I have learned that the plans don't always work out, despite the best of intentions. There are times when we get home and one of us is really tired or something came up that changed plans. On those occasions, one of us (if not both) has ended up feeling let-down. After a few disappointments, we were talking about what a bummer that is after the anticipation. That was how I learned that my DF said he just figures "it happens when it happens." (In his opinion, it's hard to plan something like that and have it work out). I still do plan...I just make sure my timing is good. Also, sometimes I tell him what I have in mind and other times I keep it a surprise until I know it will work out.

I will tell you that just this week, DF took the initiative for our anniversary! He e-mailed me a card that let me know he clearly had plans for a hot night. He surprised me at home with a candlelit dinner and a movie. We had a great evening and he held-true to the promises in his e-card when we went to bed. I really made sure he knew how much I appreciated him taking the lead on plans. I made him feel good about going to the effort for us and thanked him a few times for a wonderful evening. (Maybe he's beginning to take the cues....)

Something else that works well (and doesn't feel as "scheduled") is using signals. There are evenings that I'll run a bath for him so it's ready when he's due home. This gives him a chance to relax before coming to bed. Also, I'll light candles in the bedroom and wait for him in lingerie, or nothing at all, to let him know I'm in the mood.

As far as planning fantasies goes, I have put things nearby (example: scarves to tie him) and asked him in bed if it's okay to try something new. I give him the details and let him decide. This way, if he isn't keen on the idea, I didn't have anything out already to make him uncomfortable. However, if he does go for the suggestion (and he's never turned me down yet!) the mood isn't ruined by hunting for what we need. If it's something I'm not sure he'll be okay with, I broach the subject with him a couple of times in advance to give him time to think about it. Later on when I ask him again, he's prepared to let me know his opinion.

One of the fantasies you mentioned about watching porn together is a fantasy of ours too. We've talked about it a few times, and I suggested we follow through. Despite hints, he hasn't initiated that yet. With what we've posted here this week, I'm thinking I'll take matters into my own hands. The positive side: I can get to a part that I want to watch with him!

Let me know how things go for you. I know it is frustrating to feel like you are going to more trouble to make your fantasies come true. Have some hope...I've been ready to give-up on the extra efforts at times. However, this week, DF went to a lot of trouble to please me on our anniversary, and it pleased me on many levels...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 4:56pm
Wow, you two sound a lot like me and DF right down the the anal sex thing. It was his fantasy and we both researched it and took our time to explore it. One cool thing was it was a first time for us both so we think it's neat that we 'de-virginized' eachother in that way. :) And it was a positive experience and we both still do this and love it. He was the one that shared this fantasy with me. One night, during love making, he asked what my fantasies were and I shared some. I asked what his were and he told me that anal is one of his. So we decided to start exploring. I got the lube and initiated his fantasy. I was soooo reluctant, scared, and nervous about it. It was not my fantasy but being that it was his, I wanted to help him realize it.

Now, that was back in April. Just like I mentioned in another post on this thread, for my fantasy, he got as close as to bringing a couple of movies to my house. He pulled me in the bathroom for a 'quicky' (we never do quickies) and said that was just a preview of things to come. I was so excited!!!!! He fell asleep on me that night. And the next night he didn't want to watch the porn. We had sex, but it was the usual sex we have. And since then I've brought it up a few times and he reassures me that we will fulfill this fantasy but I'm not holding my breath.

Another thing he is notorious for doing is planning what seems to be a romantic, hot evening and it turns out to be nothing. Valentine's Day was a great example of this. There have been a few nights here and there where he would talk it all up and when the time comes, it wouldn't be what I was expecting at all. I'm not sure what the deal is there. The only time he gave me what he suggested was last fall for my bday. He took me to a well known high scale French restaurant and we were totally out of our element but I have always wanted to check this place out. Then we went back to his place for 'dessert'. And OMG was it HOT!!!! It was the first time he gave me oral and we musta just pleasured eachother for three or four hours before I finally had to get back home.

So I know he's capable. I just don't know how to get things going. I can get upset that I seem to be doing most of the work in realizing his fantasies and mine. I think it's only fair that if I go out of my way to fulfill his he should fulfill mine. But yet I can't be upset with him so I'm not sure what to do with it all. *sigh*

I know job-stress and fatigue have a lot to do with it too. And I know he doesn't mean to reject me but sometimes it does feel like rejection, doesn't it? Especially if we aren't together every night and all day we've been 'teasing' eachother. Night comes and he's dozing. ugh!

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 3:33pm
You're right about there being quite a few similarities between our relationships with our men. I do understand the frustration of feeling like you are going to a lot of trouble and DF is not. I have had the same feelings too. It seems like the feelings happen after a few times of going "above and beyond" without DF reciprocating.

It sounds like your guy has very good intentions. You mentioned that he said you will live out your fantasies. That is encouraging. (I mean, it's not like he hasn't discussed it or is vague when you bring it up).

Have you told your DF how you feel about this? He obviously knows what your fantasies are, but have you told him that you feel you've put in extra efforts and wish he'd do the same? Maybe he doesn't realize that you are feeling rejected or as frustrated as you have been. I wonder if he would do things differently if he knew it was very important to you that he do his share of the planning?

Jill

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