Sharing, initiating, and indulging-how?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sharing, initiating, and indulging-how?
15
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 7:08pm
I'm looking for some advice or suggestions perhaps. :)

I've told my DF exactly what my fantasies are. He shared one of his with me and that was to have anal. Well, I'm in my early 30's and never before have done this and quite frankly, I was scared to death of the pain and freaked out over the possible 'grossness' of it all. But, this is a man I truly love, respect, and trust immensely. I've never felt this way about anyone. So I agreed to look into it. I got some advice and info (from this site, actually) and bought the lube and a toy. I first practiced on myself to learn how I am back there so I can have better control when it's he and I doing it. I shared my knowledge with him and he read up on it too. The night finally came and it was phenomenal!!!!! It did hurt at first but I trusted him so much and he talked to me the entire time which really helped. But the fact that I was making his fantasy a reality and he was feeling so awsome from it, I got through and and actually orgasmed myself!!! Now we do this about once a month. For me, it was a sacrafice to make this fantasy come true for him...but I did it!

He wanted to know my fantasies, and I told him. However, they have yet to happen. One thing I want is to watch some porn with him. I know he has a few DVDs and does watch them on occasion. The very first time we talked he mentioned us watching porn together and how cool it was that I didn't have a problem with porn. After a month of my asking about this fantasy, he finally came up with a couple of DVDs but when the time came, we never watched them and he has since put them away. This was nearly four months ago!!!! I asked him again, about a month ago, if we are ever going to make my fantasy a reality and he said, "You know we will do it". And that was it. It's been like this with a couple other small fantasies of mine.

So what do I do? Get my own DVD and just pop it in myself??? I'm not that bold but it's to the point now where I have to do what I have to do. The thing with my DF is he is more reserved. He's definitely not as wild in bed as I am and want to be. He never complains though. It's just a little frustrating on my part, to be so turned on and in love yet I don't really get to act on it the way I would like.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 9:45pm
Hi blue!

First of all, super big congrats on being able to fulfill his family, and THEN being able to enjoy it yourself, even to the point of orgasm. Accomplishing this in such a way is almost always the most fulfilling thing about enjoying someone you love so much, isn't it?...good for you! You're very lucky to have such a relationship like that.

Now, I personally like your idea of just popping in your own dvd if he still avoids this issue of fantasy. Have you asked him if he's uncomfortable with the idea? Maybe just simply asking him would help him open up to the discussion more. Who really really knows. I like your idea though. In fact, maybe thats what the Mrs. & I could use to help spice things up too, LOL!...but we're having so much fun with what we already do. I'll have to ask her if there's something else she'd like I suppose as far as fantasies go.

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 10:16pm
Oh definitely listen to everything she has to say. Keep your ears and eyes wide open for her hints, etc. And if something does make you uncomfortable, communicate to her and suggest the two of you discuss it before you flat out deny her of it. I say this as a woman with a very loving fiance who, bless his heart, doesn't always pick up on what I want even when I flat out say it. I did bring it up to him asking him why we don't fulfill my fantasy. I didn't accuse him or get defensive, but just truthfully and innocently asked him why. I even suggested that maybe it's too weird for him. He denied it's too weird and implied he's into the idea and just said we will realize my fantasy. He left it open ended for some reason. I don't know why.

He and I have some intimacy issues inspite of the fact that we are crazy about eachother and the sex we do have is phenomenal. I'm not sure how to work through them and it seems he's not totally aware of them. I realized this when, for the past several weeks, I would try to initiate sex. He usually is lying facing away from me or on his stomach. I LOVE to play with his butt. OMG he has such a nice one. So I just grab, squeeze, caress, and then let my hands wander down to his sac and I start playing. I would get frustrated because he won't turn over, or do anything back to me. I would be playing for a half hour before finally just giving up. By the time I get to the point of saying, "Hey, you wanna turn over so I can play?" I'm too frustrated to be in the mood. Anyway, we got to discussing this a few nights ago and I talked about wishing we had sex more and he responded by saying, "Well if you would make the first move sometimes...." I was like, "What? What do you think I'm trying to do when I'm playing with your butt?" He apparently didn't see that as anything more than me playing around. He tied it in with when I rub his back. The poor man works some 60 hours a week at a very stressful job so he suffers from a lot of burn-out and fatigue. I sympathize with that and I try to do things to help him to relax. He is soaking it up. But I kinda get 'forgotten' in the process.

Until a couple days ago, every time we had sex it would be his initiating it because I'd finally just give up trying. So mix this in with my fantasy not being fulfilled and it seems somewhere we have a bit of a problem. It's not in my nature to be that assertive or aggressive but I do get that way every now and again. But should I have to do it all the time? He knows my other fantasy is for him to just totally have his way with me. I want him to ravage my body. He doesn't usually do things like this. :(

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 12:00am

Welcome to the board, Jenn.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 10:10am
Hi and thanks for the welcome! :)

::I have a feeling that, at least on some level, he knew that when you were playing with him, you were trying to get something started, but he was just too tired, so he didn't respond.::

- Actually it seems he honestly didn't know. Sometimes when this would happen and I'd just give up, a little while later he might start to initiate it. So this leads him to believe he's making the first move every time! lol

Right now DF and I do not live together. We are moving into a home he has built for us in three weeks so hopefully things will change a bit then. But in the meantime, the only opportunities we have are at night before bed. We've done it once in the A.M. and last weekend, instead of his spending the night at my house, I spent the night at his and had the kids sleeping at Grandma's. He insisted I do this since he had tix for us to see the Phantom of the Opera. I figured that since he was really pushing for me to find an overnight sitter that he had something romantic and/or sexual in mind. We got home, got in bed he turned away from me (he does this intentionally cuz he wants the back rub and he knows I like playing with his butt) The TV is on and I'm doing my thing...and as usual nothing more happens. I turn around, discouraged, to go to sleep and he then turns around and wraps his arms around me. We fall asleep. I'm thinking that we could really have a great time that morning. I wake up and he's not in bed!!! He got up early to do my laundry for me! (I live in an apt and the laundry facilities suck so I bring my laundry to his house on the weekend). I dragged him back into bed with me and he started carressing me and playing with my breasts. Then he'd just stop! I'd try to play with him but it just was weird and going nowhere!!!!

Needless to say we did nothing that whole time. :( I love having a man who takes care of me the way he does: doing all five loads of my laundry, fixing my car, etc. But for once I wish he'd not worry about that stuff and just spend more one-on-one with me. I try to not complain because there are so many women out there who would give anything to have a man who cleans, does all the laundry, takes care of anything around the house. I do appreciate him for all of that but I get a little lonely at the same time. Make sense?


::If you get your own movie, you won't be invading his "territory."::

-I wonder if maybe that is true. But what's weird is when we first started dating he told me had a few movies and we'll have to watch them together sometime. Then there was that one time he actually brought two of them over and showed them to me. He seemed excited. But we never did watch them. So who knows. :(

Sorry I'm saying so much but I guess this issue is pretty huge for me. lol It has been on my mind quite a bit lately. I think it's fixable but I'm just not sure how to go about it.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 10:46am

Jenn, you never have to apologize for saying too much, esp. when you write so well.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 1:38pm
From a man's side;

Here is how it happened for me. One of those wonderful nights when my wife told me to meet her in the bedroom after my shower, I entered and she had the lights low with candles and a very sexy porn movie on the TV. I did not notice it at first but when I lay on the bed I saw what was on TV. It thrilled the h*** out of me to see it and I was much more excited that she was watching it too. We talked about it for a few minutes then started stroking each other. Get the whole picture here; we are making love and from time to time we are both getting a view of the ongoing movie on the TV. It was "fantastic"! I too was a little uncomfortable watching those movies with her ---- but not any more ---- any time she wants to do it again is OK with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 10:17am
Thank you for the encouragement. :) And I sure hope you are right. I'm really excited about our house and getting to be with him for the rest of our lives. I have so much respect for this man, not to mention all the love. My past couple of relationships I may have loved to a point, but I had no respect and they had no respect for me. So this is really nice. I think it's why, for the first time in my life, I have found someone that really turns me on, that I find so unbelievably attractive and desirable. And it's not some famous actor or rock star...it's my future husband!!!! :) I just get so elated and excited about him and the sexual energy is incredible. I've never been this horney and I've never had fantasies like I do now. I guess it's a little disappointing that my fantasies aren't taken care of and we don't have sex as much as I would like. Once or twice a week just isn't a lot given how badly I desire this man.

Anyway, I'll try to remain optimistic about our sex life and I may just have to take initiative in making my fantasies come true, as well as his.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 10:19am
Oh I would love to do something like that. It's gonna take some guts on my part given how shy I am but I don't see him making this fantasy a reality so I guess it's up to me. As much as I love him and as good as our sex is, I'm afraid it's up to me to make things happen; his fantasies and mine. He just doesn't do much there.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:45pm
I can relate to a lot of what you posted. My DF and I have a wonderful relationship in every way. Having written that, he doesn't seem to take the initiative when it comes to fantasies we've talked about. I am more of the planner in our relationship...even down to our sex life. My DF believes "it'll happen when it happens..." in a more spontaneous way. Our sex drives are different, too. While I would love to be having sex daily, DF doesn't crave it that often.

There are times that I get a little frustrated over having to do most of the planning and initiating. However, any time that I've suggested or planned something new, DF has been all for it! That is the main thing when it comes down to it, in my opinion.

From my experience, I'd also suggest taking the initiative with making the fantasies more of a reality. Here's another idea: I've heard of some couples who schedule days/times for dates and/or sex. If you and your DF ever did this, you could suggest alternating the planning responsibilities to have things feel more balanced.

Who knows, maybe with time, our DFs may come around and work at making our fantasies a reality. Maybe, maybe not. Everyone has their own personality, comfort level and style. Keep the lines of communication open, keep doing what you've been doing and give it time.

Good luck! =0)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 6:00pm

Welcome to the board, jilliebean.

 

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