15 Years of Confusion
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| Mon, 08-09-2004 - 2:28pm |
We met at a sports competition 15 years ago and have kept in touch (phone calls, letters, emails, visits) ever since. I'm now 30, he's 32. Our relationship was never more than "just friends" when we were younger. In his letters & during phone conversations he would be flirtateous, but nothing ever happened when we visited each other.
I would date other people, eventually getting engaged (twice) and married (once), and he would break off communication each time. I would be single again, contact him & then we picked up right where we left off. I separated from my husband a little over a year ago and contacted my friend a few months after the seperation. After a few conversations he wanted to know if I wanted to come and visit him.
Before the visit we talked about our feelings for each other. He apparently never knew I felt anything more than friendship for him & we decided to just see how things went during the visit....The first couple of days were great. We had a lot of fun and never lacked conversation. He was definitley flirting - putting his hand on the small of my back when walking through a crowd, major eye contact, sitting close to me and touching my hand/arm when talking.
He had to work the last couple of days of my visit. The flirting seemed to stop & he acted distant. One night he was getting ready to go to bed (he had to work early next morning) and gave me a hug like he always does. I had a couple of beers and decided to make a move. I kissed him, but he just acted like nothing happened and went to bed. The next morning before he went to work he told me he was attracted to me, but he just didn't want to rush things & he felt like I was rushing things. He said he was different than me and took things slow. What? Rushing things? After 15 years?
So, the rest of the visit sucked & he didn't even take me to the airport because he had to work. I had to call a cab. I wondered if we would even talk after I got home...
It's now 5 months later and he still emails and text messages me. We talk online whenever we're both on. To sum it up....he's making me crazy because he gives so many mixed signals. He wants to know if I think about him. He says he thinks about me. But when I open up and tell him how I have feelings for him, he says he has feelings for me, but he doesn't know if it would work because we're too different and he doesn't know if I "get" him. If he doesn't hear from he for a while he text messages me "I know you miss me" or "Long time, no hear. Hope he's a stud". The last conversation we had he asked if I was going to come down and visit him again?

15 years of communication with this gentleman (marriage, relationships and other friendships sandwiched inbetween) is a good indication that YOU will "always be friends", but probably nothing more!
Phone flirtations, suggestive snail mails and eloquent emails are all SAFE for him because there isn't any EYE CONTACT! Some men are a lot braver expressing their feelings when they don't have to wait around for a happy, sad, or disgusted reaction to the comment they've just made!
When you spent time together "up close and personal"---it was a lot more than this guy could handle! He couldn't hide behind the computer screen or a telephone receiver...he had to.."face the music and dance!" And it's pretty obvious that the man didn't know, or wanted to learn, the steps connected with 'courting' you!
Personally...when a man uses phrases like "I hope he's a stud" and "I know you miss me", it's a way of reinforcing his own insecurities. He might think he's being funny...or cute? But I think those lines are stupid. .
So I guess if you want to continue to love an egocentric man who will flirt with you by phone and make you pay for cab fare to and from the airport....then this realtionship won't be a problem? However...an engagement ring, wedding invitations and arranging for a church wedding probably won't occur for at least 10 more years!
Pianoguy
By the way...hope you're enjoying Maine. I've visited twice and fell in love with the state! I hope to retire there.
Pianoguy loves Maine....except during the frigid cold months! Those the months he'd rather be in Florida, California or someplace warmer? When people visit in the Summer and want to live here...I suggest that they come back during the "cold season!" Waking up some mornings when the temperature is zero or below isn't always easy!
Just in case you ever make another trip to the Pine Tree State...be sure and ask where I'm playing (in the Kennebunkport area)! I'll be more than happy to play a request or two!
Best wishes and warm thoughts...
Pianoguy
Maybe I'll be rich and famous some day and be able to live in Maine in the summer and Florida in the winter! Since that will probably never happen I'll have to take your suggestion and try ME in the winter.
Good luck in finding that "special someone" & I wish you much success.
Thanks for taking the time to send your thoughts my way.
moongirl
PS- I'll definitely let you know if I'm headed to your area. How could I resist a pianoguy - especially when one of my faves is the Piano Man!?!
"Pianoman" has become one of my signature tunes. Most of us who sing it love the line: "...and they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar saying 'man--what are you doing here?'" I think just about all of us...including artists like Billy Joel and Elton John...know how much of thrill it is to please an audience with our music!
It's just a guess, but I think many ivillagers hope to eventually find "a special someone" or at least add a new friendship or two? During the 2+ years I've been an ivillage member...I've certainly been lucky with the latter. Granted...some of my advice has been very direct, and my words didn't always appeal to some of the posts I responded to. But I've always tried to be honest without being malicious.
The man who shares your life (and love) is VERY LUCKY!
Best wishes and warm thoughts from...
Pianoguy