18 months and I haven't met his parents

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2005
18 months and I haven't met his parents
13
Fri, 12-23-2005 - 8:41pm
I have been "casually seeing" this guy for over eighteen months. We talk multiple times a day, see each other three or four times a week, and, of course, are sexually involved. He tells me that he isn't seeing anyone else, and hasn't since shortly after we met. He has children from a previous marriage, and although I wasn't around them at first (as it should be, I think), over the past six months or so I have been included in activities with the children (i.e. going to movies, decorating the Christmas tree, going to theme parks, etc.) During the time that we have known each other, we have carefully avoided putting any labels on our relationship for various reasons... although he mentioned several days ago that I am the only one who is in denial about our status as a couple. He said his children and siblings would definitely view me as his girlfriend. SO... here's the problem: His entire family is staying at his house for the holidays... and I haven't been invited to anything. I even suggested that I drop by with his childrens' presents, but he said we could do that after his family leaves. I know the "he's just not that into you" guy would say that keeping me away from his family is a CLEAR sign. And I'm inclined to believe that. Before I terminate this relationship, I'd like to know if there is another possible explanation that I should entertain. Is he not introducing me to his parents because he's ashamed of me/ doesn't view this as a real relationship/etc.?? It makes me feel like I mean NOTHING to him if I can't even drop by for an informal introduction this entire weekend!! Could there be some other reason that I'm just missing? And is there a reasonable way to broach this subject with him?? Thanks, guys, for your input on this... and Happy Holidays to all!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 9:17am

That does sound odd. I would think if he was serious about you, he would want you to meet his family. I'd suggest calling him up and telling him that you would like to meet his family while they are in town. Ask him what day would be best to get together for a lunch, dinner, or coffee. Perhaps your desire to meet them wasn't made clear enough when you said you wanted to drop off presents. So I'd try being more direct.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 4:19pm

I have to say, I just don't understand why after being involved with someone for a year and a half, you don't feel comfortable saying, "hey, we've been seeing each other for a year and a half, your family's in town and I'd like to meet them, and frankly I'm hurt that you haven't invited me! What gives?"

And why would you WANT to be in a relationship for so long where you *can't* be that honest and open? I don't get it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 6:13pm

Dating: fun, sex if agreed to, companionship at events and in situations, conversations, shared ideas, and interests.

No obligations to each other in terms of meeting needs, wants, expectations, or considering needs, goals and feelings of the other - except on an "as I want to and it suits me basis". There is no future in dating. There is no relationship as a result of dating, no matter how long one dates.

Relationship: fun, sex if agreed to, companionship at events and in situations, conversations, shared ideas, and interests as it meets the needs of both complete, mature, secure individuals. Each respects and admires this person they're with as an individual and thus prioritizes the relationship as an entity of life enhancement, so there is continuously an equal prioritization on the feelings, needs, goals, and values of the other person - along with your own.

You've been "casually dating" for 18 months. I think it's pretty clear.

He's not wanting a committed relationship. If you've never discussed "relationship' vs. dating or if you've assumed that if you dated long enough it "meant" there was a relationshp and a future being considered.

I think your'e getting "titles" confused with expectations. HE says "you're the only one confused about our couples status". He's quite correct, I suspect.

He's physically exclusive with you, he's dating you exclusively, he's not spending his time, energy, or money on another woman or in other relationship type activities or interests with other women.

That makes you a "couple". That would make you his "girlfriend" technically.

i think you believe that being a couple, and you being his girlfriend AUTOMATICALLY means there is a future being considered, that a shared future with you is desired by him.

That's why his actions confuse you. You're running on assumptions and projections.

It's VERY POSSIBLE he will never commit or remarry or cohabitate while his children are unde the age of 18. OR some other privision or standard that he's set regarding some other issue.

But neither of you have discussed "where I see myself in 5 years" - familially, spiritually, financially, professionally, personally, locationally.....and disclosed your plans for making your own dreams come true, and waht steps to date have been taken, and what progress is being made in those individual aspects of your personal lives.

That's why you're confused.

You're "assuming" that to date for a long period of time without him seeing osmeone else means "he wants a relationship".

when things of this nature such as meeting his family arise, it puts you in a dilemma because it confronts your assumption of waht he wants and intends. Which has never been honestly and mutually discussed.

When you met his children, you "assumed' it meant he was more involved and committed. You failed to acknowledge that in meeting his children, without any real interactive element between you and them and him in terms of your couplehood - they're simply being subjected to a VERY APPROPRIAT REALITY. That daddy has a life outside of them. He has adult needs for interaction and companionshp and is meeting them appropriately.

Did you assume that meeting his children was a stepping stone to step-parenting his children, despite it being very clear to his children "I'm dating her"....while he doesn't sleep with you in thier prsence, he oesn't include you in the "traditions" of that particular familial unit.

it's NOT wrong, and it's very healthy, for a single parent to let thier children know "I am an adult and have a life outside of you and your needs and our activitites" - it allows them to see that they're loved and prioritized, it's not a message to the contrary.

I think you're thinking in terms of a future...and that's why you're so hung up on titles and status and all the "activities and involvements" you associate iwth "commitment and a future".

I think anybody casually dating you for 18 months, has their own standard or parameter that is keeping them OUT of commitment, cohabitation, and emotional bond and involvement. I also suspect it'd be extremely easy to find out what the deal is. Not "how you can get around it" - but waht the stndard is he's holding to for himrself, that he will not violate.

It's NOT uncommon for single men of character, integrity and caliber to refuse to remarry - while their children are minors. They want to parent more than they want to partner - as a result of thier prioritization on parenthood and thier obligation to it, and joy found in it. They never mislead the people they date.......but quite often the women if there is no open communication to this effect.......are 'confused".

Adn I can see the dilemma. On your side -y ou're assuming 18 months is a reslt of his emotional bond, attachment, and desire for a future. On his side - he's assuming his lack of open and obvious pursuit of more commitment and obligation indicates he wants nothing more than what you two have.

Neither is right or wrong, both have valid "reasons" in many regards for "not bringing up the topic".

So the reality is, it falls to the person who's needs and expectations are not being met (as evidenced by questions/confusion) to speak up. To state their position.

Are you willing to continue to date him for YEARS until his children are grown if that is his standard? NEver cohabitation, without a guarantee of commitment?

If you're not...it's not an ultimatum that you're issuing - it's a question tha tyou're asking?

You've known one aother 18 months - not 18 days......where does he see "this relationship" going? Simple enough to ask.

And do LISTEN to his answer.....don't do waht you've done up to now - put a spin on his words and actions that let you see/hear what it is you want to see/hear.

Listen to what he says....respond based on your needs, expectations, and thoughts - not yoyour "feelings".

And realize if he says he's not sure what he wants at "X" point (whatever the point is where he's going to be willing to make a commitment).....take hiim at his word. People do not necessarily know what they're going to want in 5-10 years........if their focus is primarily on a task at hand that is in progress now.

Its not that you can't get waht you want.....but it's possible that you might not get what you want out of him, because he doesn't shar eyour desires. Open communication would go a long way.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 6:42pm
maybe he's embarrassed with his family??
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 8:51am

Well I wouldn't know what your guy is thinking, but i don't bring men to meet my parents until I am absolutely serious about them. So out of all the men I've dated, they met my exhusband.

Some people are just more private. Maybe his family is REALLY pushy about him meeting someone and if he introduced you before he felt 100% sure of his being serious about you they may start drilling him and being on him 24/7 so it's easier not to put himself in that predictament.

I think after the holidays maybe you need to sit down with him and ask him where this relationship is going, you've been dating for more than a year, almost 2 years now, at some point you need to decide what you want out of this relationship, marriage? living together? just dating. Until there is a clear definition of what your relationship is and where it is going then I don't see you meeting the family until then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 7:41pm

Ask him. You see his children, he used the word girlfriend. You should let him know how his exclusion makes you feel and why he feels the need to exclude. Don't accuse, ask


good luck

,
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 11:44am
Erin makes a good point about fathers of minors wanting to parent more than they want a partner. I recently met two guys online and stupidly got involved with one too early on who dumped me very quickly. He has been single for 4 years, after splitting with his partner when his son was 2 and his whole life revolves around the child. This, and his negative remarks to me about women in general, should have acted as a great red warning flag to me. The other guy had two young kids and, in addition to living 100 km away from me, had a job with travelling and long working hours and his free time was spent just with the kids.
After these experiences I will avoid getting involved with men with young kids since they are invariably bad news.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 12:19pm
Sorry I joined this thread too late. So what happened? Did you get to meet his parents? Did you tell him how you are feeling about being excluded? Let us know.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 12:01am

Thanks, ladies, for all your helpful responses. Here's the update. On Christmas Eve I told him how I felt about not being allowed to meet his parents over the holidays. Namely, that it made me feel like he was ashamed of me and that he was trying to act like I don't even exist. He replied, "Well, come by then, if you want." Since it was clearly a half-hearted invite and lacked specific details like WHEN would be a good time to visit, I did not go over. So today we had lunch together and he told me that he doesn't disclose much about his personal life to his family and that in 34 years, he has only introduced them to two friends -- one being his ex-wife, after they got engaged, and the other being a close male friend that helped him get through his divorce four years ago. Then he told me that telling me to "come by, if you want" was a big step for him. SO... I find some of this kind of hard to swallow since I am very close to my family and can't imagine them not knowing about someone important in my life.

Does anyone else think it's odd that, even after 18 months, his parents know NOTHING about me? (And let me just add that during the past year and a half, I have nursed him through surgery, helped him house shop and then helped decorate said house. And apparently none of that warranted an honorable mention to mom...) Should I buy his explanation and just see how things play out over the next few months or am I simply wasting my time?

Sorry such a long post, but I truly appreciate the input. Thanks!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 12:58am

Yes, that does seem odd...but some people are just like that, they really compartmentalize their lives.

The question is, do you want to be with someone who is that way?

If the answer is yes, you could live with that, then it's well past time for the two of you to have a discussion about where this is going (if anywhere). You've been dating long enough that it's a reasonable question...and better to know now if he doesn't see it going beyond what exists as of now.

Sheri

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