2 years, baby, no ring, what now

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
2 years, baby, no ring, what now
9
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 10:53am
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. we have a 7 month old son. I have 3 teenage daughters to a previous marriage. He has been married with no children before our son. we get along great, family vacations, family reunions...etc We do everything together as a family would. We do not live together, and see each other 3 days out of the week and talk everyday. I'm ready for more! Whenever the mention of marriage, engagement or living together is brought up he pushes it aside and gets around it.

I don't want to be pushy or pressuring, but I also don't want to waste time. Should I give him more time? How much if so? Need advice

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 11:33am
Why is it that you two have a son together but don't live together? You ARE a COUPLE, RIGHT??? So what I understand is that YOU are responsible for your son 24/7 and he gets to waltz in 3 days a week? WHY?

This man is NOT going to commit to you because you haven't required it of him so far. And I bet that if you gave him the ultimatum of getting together (ring or living together) or ending things, he would probably end things. But I'm sure that you know that.

I admire your strength for putting up with this so long. But really you have to tell him, we have to move on together or apart. This isn't fair for you or your 7 mos old, or your teenagers. What are you teaching them about relationships? Tell this guy he's got 2 weeks to decide or you're out of there. Then you can move on and find a wonderful man who's not going to give you the run around.

You are not really being like a family, more like a single mom who's dating some new guy. Think about that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 1:06pm
Thanks Alison,

I needed to hear that. All my friends and family are telling me to be patient, to wait until next year. But I'm tired and getting a bit annoyed! To say the least. I like your thinking!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 1:24pm
Well, since you've been doing it on your own, you know you can do it on your own.

Everyone else around you isn't in your shoes. Do they just want you to wait because it's easier for THEM to deal with? What are their motives for their advice? Look at that and see the difference.

You are a strong woman. Your children need you. This guy is along for the ride that you're giving him, but when you ask him to step up to the plate he doesn't want to talk about it. He likes the status quo, so why would he change it? He doesn't want the responsibility, so why try to force it on him?

I left my son's dad after 4 yrs of engagement because I realized that he didn't want to be married to me. He had just given me the ring so I would stay.

Now since this guy hasn't even done that...

The question is: have you had enough?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 1:30pm
I agree with Alison

Give him an ultimatum

He commits or you move on to find someone who wants to be with you and share every aspect of your life.

Also agree you are giving your daughters the wrong message with regard to how guys should treat you.

My guess is that he will miss you much more than you will miss him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 1:30pm
I think there are 3 questions you need to ask of him and yourself:

1 - What does marriage mean to you?

2 - Do you want marriage to be an integral part of your life plan?

3 - What factors in your life must be present and settled for you to make the committment of marriage?

Please note that these 3 questions are broad based and really have nothing to do with YOU or his intent to marry YOU. Its about the concept of marriage as a whole. Ask these questions but do not expect an immediate, full and complete answer from him. He will likely want a little time to think these through. Most men do not pre-plan weddings and marriages to the same level of detail as women.

The answers should also be far greater than a focus on the wedding day celebration. Think of it this way, if you were to stay married for 50 years then that is greater than 18,000 days. The wedding day is 1 day. Question #1 above relates to the other 17,999 days.

I honestly believe that realistic and honest answers to these 3 questions will help you greatly in YOUR life's direction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 4:10pm
I have been there and still there. I have been with my boyfriend for over 7 years and we have a 5 year old daughter and live together after for about 2 1/2 years now, but I have a ring from him now for about 6 years. He avoids the question about marrying me or just totally avoids the question. I agree you should move on with your life before it gets to late. I am struggling to do the same. The longer you wait the harder it gets and the more he is likely not to settle down and make that commitment. I hope the best for you, and that you don't make the same decision I did to stay this long. The longer you wait the harder it will be on your child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 8:57pm
Yes, I have had enough! Luckly I am a strong women and know that I have and can do it on my own. I left the girls father and he was my husband when they were all very young. Thank you, I think I just need to hear it from others, not directly involved. And I do believe that a person should know after 2 years whether they want to be with a person.

Good luck to you and your son. is he still active in his life, is that hard on you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 9:02pm
Thank you, I don't know how you do it. Its bothering me after only 2 years. Good luck to you and your daughter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 9:24pm
Thank you,

I will have him answer these questions and I do believe it will give he and I an insight as to where we are within our lives and how we view the future.

I understand that men do not think the same as women, however, he should also not avoid the question. Hopefully this will be a way he won't feel like hes being pressured and I will get an answer.

I see that you are a Canadian, He is also!