20 and Single

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2007
20 and Single
3
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 2:03am
It is very hard to admit but I am 20 years old and I have never been in a relationship, period. It isn't that I don't want to be in one and it isn't that I'm not looking it just hasn't happened and it doesn't seem right! One of my friends from childhood has seem to have found the one or as my mom would call him the one for her and I feel like my mom is pressuring me. I love my mom to death and I know that she wants me to find somebody but she just has to say things like oh well your friend has probably found the right guy already and oh this person just got engaged. I feel very behind and I don't like it! Now another issue is that if I do eventually talk to a guy, he usually asks about past relationships and I tend to lie by saying that I've had one a few years back but I never elaborate on it. Should I tell guys the truth because or wait it out and then eventually tell them only if it works. It is embarrasing that I am 20 and haven't had a relationship, it isn't fair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: nsyncjc13
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 10:11am

I can imagine it must be difficult to always have to explain yourself.

Some people just start later in life in the romance dept. I had an opposite situation to you, but not really....

I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, per Dad. I also had difficult problem...my parents forbid me to date anyone not of my religious background. By 16 I was in my senior year of H.S., because I skipped a grade of school during the J.H.S. years. At this particular H.S. I met a few girls who were allowed to date, but just hadn't found the right guy to date. So all of us were a little behind the eight ball when it came to dating. By our senior year, alot of the kids had "found" their H.S. sweethearts already. During my senior year, I had been on a date or two and while they were nice, they were nothing special. Overall, during that time, a few guys liked me, but I didn't return the sentiment.

Then, when I went to college, I wasn't "legal" yet to get into bars, and again, I met more girls who weren't actively dating. So while there were no dates, I had plenty of things to do and plenty of people to do them with.

When I turned 18, I met men I liked, but most were not of my religious background. So, I just dated men without my parents' knowledge. The problem was convincing my parents (and their friends) that I wasn't dating. So during holiday times, the old question from the family friend was, "so...are you dating anyone?" (I'm sure you get this too). It was a little uncomfortable, but it HAD to be "oh no, I haven't met anyone decent yet." But, most of my friends didn't start to actively date until about the same time as me and my parents knew this, so they didn't see this as strange.

After I had a couple of guys pick me up at the house I realized I had to meet them either on the corner or at a bar or club in order to avoid Dad's scrutiny. How many times could you go through, "Nice guy, too bad you wont be seeing him anymore"..? Of course, my mind is saying, "Oh you think so huh?" I went through the sneaking around with at least 10 guys (I forget exactly how many) by my 20th birthday. The encounters or relationships varied from kissing to oral sex. I finally met someone who I could bring home to Dad. He later became my first husband.

So I understand your feelings about not having found anyone yet and how life is somewhat unfair to you right now. Maybe you could vary your routine some, so that you can mix with new people. If you are in college, there are different places to hang out, like a cafeteria or a college student union or game room or college concerts, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: nsyncjc13
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 11:24am
I forgot one thing, don't discuss your past with any guy. I have never been quizzed about my past and I never quizzed anyone either. In the future, if a guy asks you about your past relationships it is best to say that they are in the past and you would prefer to not discuss them because they have no bearing on this relationship. For now, you can say that there has been no one special yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
In reply to: nsyncjc13
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 1:04pm
Just to comment on the feeling "behind" thing...definitely do not feel behind. I wouldn't worry about everyone getting engaged, that's such a young age to settle down at! You have quite a bit of time ahead of you to do soo much - like travel. It's harder to do things like that when you're tied down. Are you in school? You should check out study abroad or work abroad programs! The guys in other places always seem a bit more intriguing than they do at home too :)