20 yrs older than me with three kids!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2003
20 yrs older than me with three kids!
7
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 6:34pm
I would love any and all input everyone out there can offer to me: I had been with Rich for close to three years when I decided to break it off for good, or so I thought. I am 24 and he is 45. When we met, it was instant attraction and we fell for each other immediately. We get along so well. He is very affectionate and loves me very much, as I do him. he takes me out to dinner, he buys me jewelry, he brags to all his friends about me. I was so excited to have found such a great relationship, that i started to take care of myself by eating well and exercising. To date i have lost approximately 40 lbs. He loved it! I then began a new career that he was not too crazy about, as I now work with mostly men. Since all of this has taken place, I have received many advances from my male counterparts; flirtations, being asked out on dates, or simply being told that they would like to jump in the sack with me. It has changed my thoughts on my relationship. A few times i would break it off with Rich for a couple weeks, so that I could find out what it was like to be with one of these other men. It wouldn't quite work, and we would get back together, however, I would never tell him that I had seen someone else. And then, last month, I cheated on Rich and then broke it off with him, for good. Although I don't really want to get into a relationship with one of these other men whom i flirt with, I can't seem to help myself from flirting and I simply relish in all the attention i get now. And Rich and i have talked a bit recently about possibly trying to work things out again. I really do love him. I have a struggle with his kids, and can't figure out if its worth the hassle. I start to think, 'I'm only 24 yrs old! I don't need someone else's kids weighing me down!' I just can't seem to figure out what I want.
This is quite a complex situation i have laid out, but any advice at all would be wonderful!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 7:31pm

jenvk...

Pianoguy thinks you need to start being HONEST....WITH YOURSELF!

You've got to choose between "a man who already has a family" and be willing to accept the entire package.....OR.....stop seeing him for good! Cheating and returning can only work so many times....then you're going to find yourself without ANYBODY! The weight loss has obviously made you more desirable in the eyes of others...even though Rich would probably love to make you a permanent part of his life.

But face it...

Flirting seems to interest you much more than a solid relationship! So let Rich find a woman who can accept his lifestyle as well as his children.

It's pretty obvious that YOU CAN'T!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 7:37pm

To: Pianoguy

While I am surprised that any guy would want anything to do with this message board, I appreciate your brutal honesty. But why for two years did I think that this was the only man in the world for me and didn't even dream of cheating? Until so recently. And he always tells me to take my time and think about the relationship, to make sure its right for me. He tells me to let him know when I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with him. I think my biggest struggle is just knowing how wonderful he is, but knowing I will never be able to compete with or be comfortable with his kids. It sucks, it really does. When you get used to being with one person for a significant period of time, not being with them anymore hurts. But the worst hurt for me is knowing that I've hurt him, and he has no idea. I guess I really don't deserve him afterall.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 7:59pm
Hello jenvk, welcome to the board!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 10:28am

Missing someone is NOT the same thing as wanting to be with someone.

My two cents...women involved with a man who is not available (married, living on the other side of the planet) somewhere in their hearts don't believe that they deserve a loving commited relationship or don't WANT the responsibility and work that a day to day relationship requires...the longing and separation is the draw, not the man per se.

This guy is married with kids. You're not a dumb bunny. You recognize that those kids will always come first, that you will always be competing with them. They need braces or college books? It's going to come out of his budget and there goes your entertainment budget. Just investigate how much child support and alimony this guy would have to pay out before you let him talk to you about the kind of house he would set you guys up in, etc. They will always come first and at best you'll be just as important than them.

This guy has kids...will the time come for you to want your own family? Will he be able to finance two families? Will your kids get as much as his first family got?

How do you feel about being in a long term relationship with a known cheater? "They" say that what goes around comes around. You more than anyone knows that when things are tough or breaking apart in the primary relationship, he turns outside of the relationship to 'resolve' his problems. That is who he is and how he works.

Of COURSE he's wonderful to you, it's been all fun, a perpetual honeymoon stage. And he's old for you, he knows he's darned lucky to have such a young babe.

I think you should kick this guy to the curb. He's holding you back from finding someone with whom you can have the sort of relationship that everyone deserves. Those other guys you're flirting with? You were scared. This guy has been around for so long that he's safe.

I've lost weight...I know what that is to go from being practically invisible to all of a sudden having eyes following you down the street and men trying to chat you up. Enjoy the attention. You deserve it and more, much more than what you've been accustomed to. You're 24 for crying out loud!! If you don't enjoy your youth and new slim body now, when will you?? Don't settle for second best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 4:43pm

You are only 24 and at a very different lifestage than Rich. And you've been with him since you were 21!


It might be a good idea since you're doing a lot of talking together anyway, to talk together to a therapist.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 8:30pm

I don't recall her saying this guy was married....

Jenvk,

I think that you need to understand that what you are going through is normal. You are young and ready to see what is out there. I agree with Terry, that you meet everyone in your life for a reason, and you may have learned all you can from this man.

So set him free, have some fun, and if in a few years you meet up with him again and want to try it, you may be in a better place in time to do so.

Good luck,

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 3:27pm
Thank you to everyone who answered my plea for help. I appreciate everyone's ideas. I know in my head that I should let go and really try to move on. Its so hard, because my heart wants to stay. I have not done a lot of dating, but from what I've seen its hard to find someone who you click with and someone who adores you as much as Rich adores me. It makes it really hard to leave that kind of affection. Rich is divorced, and his ex makes him pay an obscene amount of money in child support. So, his hopes of buying or building a house are somewhat difficult at the moment. And I have decided I don't want to have children of my own; I've always known that, even before we met. He doesn't beg me to stay. He always said he is afraid that he's holding me back from living a normal life with a guy my own age, growing old together, and not being worried about being a widow at the age of 40! :)
He doesn't force me to stay by any means. But I do admit that I AM afraid of getting into another relationship. Guys my age are generally not on the same page as me. That is why I appreciate being with an older man, who already knows the ropes.
But I also agree with the thought a couple of you shared about learning certain things from a relationship and taking that with you. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for Rich. We met at a very rowdy time of my life, and he sort of straightened me out, help me figure out my dreams, and help send me on my path. When others didn't have faith in me he did. That is a big part of the reason why I have a hard time leaving.
Ya know, this is a very confusing period of time in my life! I hate being twenty-something: I couldn't make a decision on anything without consulting the world! :) All you thirty-somethings and older must be somewhat happy you got out of this period of your life!
So, thanks again to everyone.