2nd date hope. How long shd I give him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
2nd date hope. How long shd I give him?
17
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:55pm

Hi Everyone,
I see another person posting about.....when a guy should ask us out again for the Second date.....and I have a similar situation here. Please advise me what to do.

So I went on that first date, day before yesterday...it has been 2 days now. This guy lives right here, about 30 min away, so distance isn't an issue. After that date, I emailed him that same night, telling him I enjoyed, and he replied, saying "Likewise" and wrote another email telling about his day. Then I replied to that, and then he wrote something back, and then this evening, I replied to his last mail. So we have been emailing back and forth. General stuff. Short and casual. NOTHING about how he feels or what he thinks of me, or us, or about future dates. And I am wanting to, but NOT saying anything, coz I feel HE SHOULD say something. We have not spoken on the phone yet. I would love to get together with him again, but I want that to come from him.

Question: Is he waiting for ME to show an initiative to get together again?
If he is, then he is going to be disappointed, coz I want it to come from him. Because that's the only way I will know HE is interested, and is not just being polite and friendly.

Also, I am even wondering if he is waiting for me to call him. I don't know whether he should call, or I should.

See, I just hate it when people use their minds too much, and are too afraid to just follow their heart, and thus end up delaying everything. I always like to follow my heart, but I am being careful, because in the past I have shown my interest too soon, and things got bad. So this time I really want him to take that initiative. I would probably start asking him out once I am sure that he is interested. How long should I give him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 9:01pm

Oh, I forgot to add that in one of my emails, I said "I would love to see you perform". He does these short stand-up acts on stage, that he was telling me about. In his reply to that email, he mentioned NOTHING about it, but talked about other general, casual stuff about his day. I have a strong doubt that he is being extremely guarded for some reason..
intentionally so...

Am I supposed to keep hinting, or just tell him straight up I would like to go out with him again? (even though I wouldn't really like to do it).

He is intelligent enough. He should figure it out on his own...what the right thing to do is, esp after he gets these hints from me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 9:22pm

Taken verbatim from one of his *earlier* emails, much before the first date.

---Here I am,... happy at practicing to remove emotion from my thoughts and words and voice because I think its a cool guy thing to do ( it seems to give me peace of mind), while you have a richer way of expressing yourself. Add to this my style of letting the lady decide the pace of the relationship ( be it anything: whether its deciding to meet up, call, or reaching forward to kiss), and it definitely seems I'm cold and distant.-----

So is that the reason he did not reach out for a hug or a kiss, becoz he was expecting ME to do it?

This guy will drive me nuts. What do I do now....

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 9:32pm

Well, you know my opinion as to what you should do, so I won't repeat it!

But to the title of this thread: I don't believe in "giving" a guy a certain amount of time. I just assume that he's not interested in another date unless and until he shows me otherwise by contacting me and asking me out again. It's easier on the nerves ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 9:46pm

So Sheri, If you were in my place, you would just wait for HIM to call, and wait for HIM to ask you out, am I right? I think I wanna go that route. I just had the strongest urge to give him a quick call just to say hi, but I stopped myself.

If he gets dependent on ME taking the initiative everytime, that might become a really bad habit for him.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 1:30am

Yes, and unless I just wanted a platonic friendship with the guy, I'd keep the emails and chitchat where he's NOT asking you out to a minimum.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 7:34am

Sienna:

The guy seems nice but he doesn't know too much about dating, or maybe he does know and he is choosing to play some sort of cat and mouse game. Is this what you want?

If this guy can't figure out that he needs to ask you on a real follow-up date with romance, and some sort of divulging of his feelings for you, then move on.

This guy might be looking for a new buddy, an email pal or a sounding board. Keep those emails to an absolute minimum and start looking at other dating prospects.

I hate to tell you this but there seems to be lots of these wishy washy men out there these days. They like to have deep conversations with women, pretend they are dating without really doing it and without the responsibility.

Live and learn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 3:59pm
It's really up to him whether and when he'll ask you out again. You could call and ask him out, but I just don't have a very good feeling about that as far as the long-term goes.
This guy's behavior and attitude (as far as he meant that email you quoted) seems kind of lame. Isn't that a little bit of a turn-off for you? And if it's not now, do you think it's something you'll continue to enjoy for months to come?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 10:20pm
After I had lunch with my bf for our first date it took 4 days to get the second date scheduled and the lunch date was fantastic. Some men dont have game. But they are nonetheless great guys. Mine is one of them. He was also just out of a relationship and having trouble figuring out whether he should jump back in again depsite the fact it was clear he really liked me. The timing was not perfect even though we have worked out. We laugh about how awkward we were in that first week now. We did though have a lot of contact by phone and email that week and I knew he was totally into me. I just wasnt sure he was going to ask for the second date and I had no idea why. It even occurred to me at a certain point that since the lunch date had been spontaneous after running into each other in the city, maybe he wasnt single after all. I had my head swimming over it. I totally wanted to kill him...lol So i get how this could drive you crazy. Make a deadline in your head for sure about how long you will wait for him to make his move and then decide whether you will make it for him when the day gets here. That would be my best way of compartmentalizing it and getting other stuff done in life in the meantime rather than just torturing myself over something I have no control over.
good luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 11:15pm

Thank you all. The latest update is a little smile and some relief I had on my face last night, when I received an E-mail from him....very casually asking me at the end of it, if I'd be free for a movie this weekend (tomorrow to be specific). I replied affirming that I would really like to go.

I agree I have to be careful though. Is he just looking for a buddy?

So far, no divulging of anything even close to romantic. Perhaps this movie date might determine how things are. I also wanna see if he will split the bill again. And If he STILL hesitates to hug me, or show SOME sign of affection or a signal that he does like me, I might begin to wonder and worry again, whether I am on the right path.

It's my strong intuition that he feels *something* but is trying to be very cool and detached and casual. And that totally doesn't help anything. We might forever be trying to go on "dates" with nothing happening! I truly hope things move up a notch. Ofcourse, I don't even know whether he is even close to being boyfriend material or marriage material. We have a very long way to go. But, I really do like and admire certain qualities of his, even though, there are some other qualities that are already turning me off like not being able to reveal how is truly feeling, and seeming like he is too dependent on his sisters advise. He needs to show me the REAL him. The soft and vulnerable him. Perhaps that will come with time, if it has to.

He is playing it too cool, when it comes to *calling* me. I can totally *sense* it, that he is not feeling distant, but he is acting distant. That it is *deliberate*. To me, that's playing a game. Because he really doesn't seem like a man who doesn't know how to date. I mean he is so outgoing and he used the word "ex's". And he is 32. I am pretty sure he has been thru much. I have met men who are very open and expressive, and things happened right from the get-go.....with phonecalls coming bothways, very freely and openly!! And that's how I like it! Here, I feel like I am getting very CALCULATED phonecalls, like he has thought 10 times before calling. And his doubtful behaviour is in turn making my behavior the same. Like, now, I am thinking 10 times before calling him too. Things happened here...with the apparent chemistry and attraction and being able to get along, laugh, have a good conversation, but he totally managed to keep his distance in every way, even during key moments when he could have reached out to me, or said something sweet.

Let's see..how things unfold in our movie date.
I still feel he will be playing it safe UNTIL, I make a move---which I don't really plan to---until he does. I just want it that way.
I am hoping he surprises me. But if not, no sweat! I am not emotionally involved with this guy yet, thank god.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 8:27am
That's nice that he finally asked you out on a second date. You are thinking along correct lines, if he asks you to pay for your own ticket be very aware. You seem to know what you are doing so I wish you the best.

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