2nd date hope. How long shd I give him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
2nd date hope. How long shd I give him?
17
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:55pm

Hi Everyone,
I see another person posting about.....when a guy should ask us out again for the Second date.....and I have a similar situation here. Please advise me what to do.

So I went on that first date, day before yesterday...it has been 2 days now. This guy lives right here, about 30 min away, so distance isn't an issue. After that date, I emailed him that same night, telling him I enjoyed, and he replied, saying "Likewise" and wrote another email telling about his day. Then I replied to that, and then he wrote something back, and then this evening, I replied to his last mail. So we have been emailing back and forth. General stuff. Short and casual. NOTHING about how he feels or what he thinks of me, or us, or about future dates. And I am wanting to, but NOT saying anything, coz I feel HE SHOULD say something. We have not spoken on the phone yet. I would love to get together with him again, but I want that to come from him.

Question: Is he waiting for ME to show an initiative to get together again?
If he is, then he is going to be disappointed, coz I want it to come from him. Because that's the only way I will know HE is interested, and is not just being polite and friendly.

Also, I am even wondering if he is waiting for me to call him. I don't know whether he should call, or I should.

See, I just hate it when people use their minds too much, and are too afraid to just follow their heart, and thus end up delaying everything. I always like to follow my heart, but I am being careful, because in the past I have shown my interest too soon, and things got bad. So this time I really want him to take that initiative. I would probably start asking him out once I am sure that he is interested. How long should I give him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 2:20pm
Congrats on holding onto your hat and getting the second date invite!
Just some practical advice with my two cents. I was really interested in my bf even as we first started seeing one another and it seemed like it took forever for us to really get things going. I remember saying to my friend feeling frustrated " Jesus when is this thing going to get started??"
and she said " hey you are missing it. It already did start and it has been rolling for weeks now. Relax!"
I guess I just wanted to tell you that you should stop and enjoy it a little since you seem focused on the timeline of events physical and emotional just as I was. Dont miss the experience of it actually happening!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 5:58pm

Thanks...

You are right, I need to just let go of this pressure that I am feeling. This stress, about what he is thinking, what all this is leading to, whether I am reading him right, whether I am making a mistake again in my choice, whether this is yet another guy who will break my heart.... stuff like that.

Yeah, I think the bottomline is he is wanting to take it real slow and casual, and I am not having that patience to wait and see what he is going to say or do next.

I know he is still extremely new to me, and I don't have ANY idea about his character, about whether we are even compatible. He is probably thinking along similar lines. I just need to go slow too...and just try to take it easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 6:31pm
I'm glad you got something positive from my post. I really think its hard because deep down we know we do better when we dont overthink things but as I have told my gfs many times - it is hard to stop thinking so much without meds.
If it makes you feel any better I have some good news from today with the bf I referred to. I was just saying to my best friend ( male and gay) that I had no clue whether he reffered to me as his gf or not and we hadnt had that talk and I wondered whether I could be the first woman ever on record to just skip it and survive. I mean I have tried to pay attention to how he talks about me inside of a story where is friends or family is concerned but mostly he uses my name. *&^^%$%$# - right? OK but here's the thing from last night. He comes over last night and he starts talking about how he was at his sister's friends house in the suburbs. Who knows who this chick is - who cares - she is brazilian. My ears perked up a bit because one, brazilian chicks can be smoking hot and also they have a very sharp tongue and speak their mind. Quickly I find out she is married and kind of sees him as a little brother of sorts. Perfect. So she asked him about what he was up to and who he was up to etc. he told her about me. she asked how long and he said three months. I suddenly remember that guys dont tell stories like this in detail with direct quotes for our entertainment. then he says that she started teasing him and said "hey you know after three months this isnt FWB anymore, she's your girlfriend - you know that right? This is getting serious. " Who cares whether this is accurate for everyone. She continued questioning him and he told the story like he had kind of just accepted what she said and told her he figured as much but that we had never talked about it. Then he looks at me. I mean we agreed a while ago that we werent the type to date other people but we have never put a title on it. So finally FOR ONCE in my life I have not had to start that "what the #$%^& are we doing here?" convo. I finally had the opportunity to say
"yea you know with you it has just kind of happened, the bf gf thing and I always hoped it would be that way with someone. So no you are not being labeled as my "special night visitor". We shared a laugh over it.
Now who knows whether he didnt fabricate this whole scenario up just to see where I stand. I seriously dont care....lol I am jut glad to know that these signals that I have been getting from him which indicate a love factor slowly entering our lives is not just in my head and he was man enough to check out where I was on the whole thing in his own way. someday when there is enough distance from the talk so that it doesnt make him itch I might suggest that he tell his guy friends this little story so that they might get a clue too and help us ladies out.
I have had countless convos with other exes on this and have been granted responses in all ranges of ridiculousness like
"well I guess that depends on your definition of monogamy"
"I live my life day to day even in my romantic relationships unless there is a ring involved"
" I havent used the word girlfriend since high school"
Talk about pulling teeth. And yes I know there are about a million books on the topic.
I guess my point is to you - give yourself a chance to experience equal roles here. I hadnt asked him because I was frankly really enjoying our time together and I was loving it. I figured we were what we are but I let it slide so that I wouldnt disrupt the happiness:)
And last night was my reward. I love that he came to me to talk about it and we were up most of the night celebrating:)
Again - good luck to you....
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 8:53pm

It's still sounding to me like he wants to be buds, but time will tell!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 10:00pm

You are right Sheri. We spoke on the phone and somehow tonight's plan did not work out because of me. For some reason, I just could not do that driving he wanted me to do to reach this unknown place. I was thinking more in terms of his driving to my area (20-25 minutes..is that a lot?) or atleast asking me if he could pick me up. My mood was a bit off (I hated myself for reacting that way, but I was disappointed), and I told him I am too tired from work (work weekends) and I don't think I'd be able to drive. So I cancelled. Even though, I had waited all day long at work for this evening. But surprisingly, he was still quite upbeat (that's one thing I love about his personality. He always seems positive and cheerful), and continued talking to me, shared a lot of stuff, and we spent quite a while on the phone just chatting and discussing. He didn't seem to mind anything and took it as a great sport. I ended up asking him about his thoughts on relationships, being open, being guarded etc etc, and it was quite clear that...he wants to go the friendship route, because he says that works the best, long-term. It's real and practical, according to him. And he said he wanted friendship to be the foundation, and if anything else develops, he would be more than willing to really commit to the person. He said, he has been hurt quite a few times when he approcahed girls romantically in the past.

So, I just blurted out at one point that I was really looking forward to a movie "with him". And he replied, that he was really looking fwd to "doing something" this evening.

It's apparent we are on different pages. :)

But no harm done!
In my past, anytime, I start getting drawn towards a guy, and the guy is cool and casual, it ends up being a heart-break story. So NOW, I am very glad that I can THINK beforehand, and NOT get emotionally involved with him at all. Because I have had enough of those tears for guys who were just not on the same page as me.

No more expectations from him. We'll just stay friends.
If he asks me out again, I wouldnt think of it as a DATE. I will think of it as two buddies hanging out together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 10:12pm

Wow, am very happy for you. It must have felt so great when he talked about it himself. Patience helps. It's priceless. So many times, we just mess things up with our expectations and trying to hurry things up, and pressuring the person. Even when we don't like it, we end up doing that. I wish I was not like this. Wish I had more patience when it comes to romantic relationships. It's like I want things to start happening, the moment I start feeling something for the guy. Thanks for the best wishes. And wish you both the best too! Your story has certainly added hope in me. It helps to chill and take it as it comes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 8:50am

I'm glad you got everything out in the open. The discussion helped clarify things for you. I'm on your side, even is this was just a "buddy" situation, I'm not so sure it was the kindest thing to expect you to drive 20-25 minutes to a place you don't know only for you to have to buy your own ticket so you can attend a movie with someone who wants to spend months with this friends-first methodology. He could have at least found a theatre near you, even if it was just buddies.

Good luck with everything.

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