3 months married, wants a divorce??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
3 months married, wants a divorce??
8
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 8:03am

hello,all. came here for advice once again. i just talked to my younger brother who got married end dec 2006.its already over one month he is telling me that he is sick of married life, disappointed and not in love any more. that he wants out. :( so sad.

they have been dating since 2000, with ups and downs. they never really lived together before marriage.

6 months before marriage he asked her for a space and disappeared for 1.5months to think it thru. he had lots of questions in his head and was not sure that she is the one. then he had a long talk with her and all went well. or it seemed to.at least he stopped complaining.

and now -here u go! every 2-3 days i hear him tell me how unhappy he is with her. he is barely 25years old. she as well. i know that their major problem is that they both are stubborn and short tempered. that after 6 years of dating him she refuses to compromise on certain things (and although i adore my little bro i accept that he is not perfect and she is right to push back). i like his wife and i really dont want him to make a divorce decision just like that. i'm pretty much the only one he shares with as he doesnt want rumours about his unhappy marriage and doesnt want to upset our parents.

but i dont know what to advice him :( i just keep telling to take it slow, to think it thru, to talk, that the divorce is the LAST option. but he keeps replying that he cant talk to her anymore, that it doesnt work anymore and that he cant go on like that... so sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 9:42am

What is it that they're not compromising on? Marriage is all about compromise, not about ego and being right or wrong. And he needs to know that. He has to be an adult. He chose to marry her and he needs to choose to make it work as well.


I do see one problem that he continued forward even though he had doubts. Never a good idea... but now that we're here...


I would have them both make lists of their issues with the other person. And then they need to go through the list and figure things out. This probably would best be done with a 3rd person who has no involvement in their relationship/lives.


At the end of the day, marriage is about working through things, talking it out and figuring out what works for the marriage, not the individual parties. I'm not saying that each person's needs and desires are not important, but it's not about me, me, me. It's about the marriage and the family you've created.


As for you though, I'd give him the last pieces of advice and then step back. You cannot make the decision for him and you don't want to become the reason why he decides to leave/stay or whatever.


Good luck and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 5:57pm

thank u cl-bklynchik. they fight over silly things and i really truly hope that it will work out for them... all i want is him being happy. so i support him without giving any real advice - i tell him to listen to his heart. he is a big boy...

and i will just pray his life gets happier

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 9:36am

They need to seek couples therapy. I admire you for wanting to help them but you may tend to pick sides and that's not going to help anyone.

When getting married at such a young age, I think it's normal to wonder if you've made a mistake more so than someone older. I'm sure they both have many single friends who might be "living it up" and they probably feel like they're missing out on life. If the arguments are silly like you say, there's usually a deeper issue but the arguments become petty in order to dodge the truth.

Push for the marriage counseling and take a step back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 3:33pm
Have you suggested therapy? It could certainly benefit him...It's a tough situation for sure
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 6:24pm
Either he wants it or doesn't want it. If he doesn't know whether or not he wants it, then he doesn't want it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 3:59am

morning all. thank u for ur replies and advice! several days ago i replied but apparently posting didnt appear...strange

i know that he made a mistake by going for marriage when he had doubts. its the worst thing to do when taking such a big decision. at the time i didnt say anything, thought he felt ready...oh well, regrets about past never work...

i wish they could have done couple's therapy, it would be the ideal solution for them. but sadly the concept is either inexistant outside of the US, either people are so recentful to the idea that they will never give it a chance...i tried to tell him to ask a third party help and he refused "no one should be involved in my personal life and problems"...

what really worries me is that he keeps telling me that he doesnt feel love anymore. that he is upset over silly things as her gaining weight, or being direct with him when talking...one thing is to have fights, another to feel tired and sick of the person every time little dispute occures.

today he wrote me that for 2 days they are "ok" and dont fight. hmmm...asked him what it means. i just hope that he will not be unhappy man...cant and dont want to be involved too much, but cant push him away either. he is my brother and he doesnt share with others..

aaaaaaaaaa why are the things so complicated when they could have been so simple???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 11:59am
You've done all you can to help them. Now you need to let them either strengthen or disassemble their relationship. Funny how he doesn't want any third party involvement when he talks to you about it, but he probably doesn't want any counselor to take sides with the wife. Right now he is numbed out, and that's okay because maybe he needs to do that to get through a break up. Maybe a part of him likes being miserable. Maybe he doesn't want to do anything about it because then he'd have to get on with life. Who knows? But you shouldn't shoulder the entire burden because he doesn't like sharing his feelings with others.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 1:33pm
I know you said couples therapy is not available where you live, but what about something through a church or religious organization? If they are not game, all you can do is let them handle it on their own. Sad to see family in pain, I know :(
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