4 dates and...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
4 dates and...
7
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 1:58pm

4 proper dates, and no moves yet, despite a certain chemistry. What is going on, I wonder.
He has always been the one asking me out. And I have agreed to all of 'em. I am sure he is interested. It is not always just-friends kinda thing. We have flirted a bit. He kids with me too. And we have talked about serious stuff all the time. We converse really well with each other. Lots to talk about. We both don't know where we both exactly live, and until now, I hv never sat in his car. He said if I am free on sunday (my birthday) we can do something. It's quite obvious he is interested. The critical point when any of us could reach out..could be while saying bye. He always says he will walk me to my car. We end up talking some more there, and then, it's a bye. No hug, no kiss, nothing. No touch at all. But it's not all business like too. There are points where it seems he is thinking of it. It's just a matter of taking an initiative.

So...what exactly is going on?
Who shd take the initiative? I won't refuse or withdraw if he does.
Is he not there yet, or he is there, but unsure. Or maybe he wants ME to take that initiaitve. I'd feel a bit odd taking an initiative. I used to do it when I was younger..I was really uninhibited, but over the years, I have become more cautious and scared. Plus, perhaps, another fact could be that I am not totally there yet...despite feeling a certain chemistry. So if we go on another few dates with him, and still nothing, what am I to deduce? This is confusing to me.

Please advise..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
In reply to: sienna09
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 2:06pm

Perhaps I am comparing this to situations in the past, where I never had to think about this stuff. It just happened automatically with a guy. And it happened quite early with those there was a strong chemistry with. The guys were pretty uninhibited too. They were very free and open and if they felt it, they reached out. Ofcourse, those guys were comparatively quite young, and we all met in school. Maybe it's different there. This is the adult work world, and he is 32.

I don't know what is going on in this situation. Is he just being cautious? Should I just keep waiting?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sienna09
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 10:57pm

I would let him take the initiative, but if you feel comfortable doing so, you could do things like touching his arm when you're making a point and sitting closer to him to let him know that you're receptive.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
In reply to: sienna09
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 12:23pm

<< This is the adult work world, and he is 32. >>

I'm curious as to whether or not this is the same guy from work who "no showed" ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
In reply to: sienna09
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 8:30pm

No, this is a different guy starbuck.

Oh and the work guy....well, he initiated conversation today, and told me that he is sorry for taking this long to talk to me....that he just didn't know what to say because he is still feeling bad and is embarrassed about that day, and if i am okay with it he would like to "redeem himself". Well, I said that it's okay and we can put it behind us. He hasn't asked me out yet, but if he does, I will tell him straight up that it will be a non-date. It will just be two acquaintances from work hanging out. That's what I feel comfortable with, at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
In reply to: sienna09
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 8:49pm
Thanks for your input. I have thought about it, and I am not able to bring myself to take an initiative of getting close to him physically. I don't know why. We have never had the chance to sit close yet, except in the movie theater, and it still felt like we were sitting miles away...lol. I had kept my distance between him and me. I was very conscious. It was just our second date at the time and we were still new to each other. I think I will let him take the initiative. But if he is feelin the same way, and if both are afraid or conscious of something, then God alone knows when anything will go further. He had menioned a long time ago, that he thinks girls should take the initiative, and he just likes to follow the route they want. He doesn't seem like the wimpy/shy kinda guy though. On the other hand, he is quite manly in a lot of ways. So I would think he has it in him, to make a move. He did hint at watching a movie at home....and wanting to taste my home cooked food though. I did not take him up on that.....and just took the conversation somewhere else. If we get a chance to be home, I am thinking MAYBE things could be different. But I am not sure if I am ready to bring him home yet. I still feel slightly resentful, that he has never paid for me yet (and he told me that he used to pay earlier, but felt USED in the end, so he decided from then on, that it's best to split the cost during dating) and I have never sat in his car yet. But he did say, his passenger seat belt is broken, so if I sit in his car, I have to sit behind. No way am I doing that. And yet he uses the word "dating" (he acknowledged that we are dating) but calls me a friend. He did propose to take me out on my birthday though, which was touching. I am curious to know if he will pick me up in his car, or as usual, ask us to "meet up".
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sienna09
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 8:57pm

Oh, it's THAT guy, huh?

Ok...I don't want to be overly negative, but he sounds cheap!!! Not paying for you (and his reasoning for not doing so is LAME!), wanting to watch a movie at home, wanting YOU to cook for him, not paying to get his car fixed.

Combine that with him not being affectionate at all...and I'd be a little leary of getting involved. But that's me and my preferences...you may be ok with it. Or not...maybe your reluctance to get close to him is your subconscience telling you not to get involved, LOL!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
In reply to: sienna09
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 8:30pm

Hi, Wow, you put it all together in such a way that it opens my eyes and makes me cringe a little. Yep, same guy! And yes, he does seem cheap! Not only is he still splitting with me (and yes, that's a lame excuse about that feelin of being "used"), when I told him that we could actually do something together...as in something he likes and something I like...since our birthdays are just 4 days apart, he said it's very sweet of me to ""postpone""" my celebration so we could celebrate it together somewhere between my day and his day. LOLOLOLOLOL. That's not what I had really meant!!!!!Is he just lookin at saving money everywhere he goes? Frugal is another thing, but cheap is something else! I hate that quality. It's a real turn-off. But I have been thinking that, okay, no one is perfect, and perhaps this is one of his imperfections. What I want to ask him is this: when you have a wife, and if she is earning, will you be still splitting bills with her? When your wife wants to buy something for herself, will you ask her to buy it from her money??? I really really wanna ask him that. Maybe it will give him some hint.

Sheri, I never realized that he is probably going for movies at home, and home cooked meals, to save money, and not becoz he wants to spend a cosy evening together with someone! LOL. He is probably still a bit surprised why I haven't yet invited him home despite the hint. But the good thing is, he doesn't seem like the kind to pressure anyone. I have seen that space that he gives me (so far), and I like that quality. Well, I have to say to him: Goodluck with all the patience you need to have before you get invited to my place!! For that, you need to first deserve it, in a way I like. In a way that makes my heart open up for you.

Hmm...you are right. Affection is the word. His words show that it is in him. He teases me gently, and has direct eye-contact with me, and his eyes seem to linger. He seems to genuinely compliment me. He walks me to my car everytime. He stays in touch with me and tells me about anything interesting he learned. He is expressive about who he has to meet, who he is talking to, about his work, goals, dreams etc. Yesterday night, he gave me a surprise call just to ask how I am doing coz I had mentioned I was not feeling well. He is always the one to set up future dates. But actual physical affection, none. So I do see good qualities, but....his cheapness, and this restraint is making me feel...like..how long does he want to keep doing this? If he doesn't get that seat belt repaired, and doesn't take a step forward and pay for us both, I would know....he is just really cheap, and has no plans of bringing us together. Atleast, not the together that I define in my book.