About the Past

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
About the Past
4
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:04pm
I would just like to know how to help my boyfriend overcome his issue with my past. Not all of it, just the fact that I hooked up with his friend before (we were not even seeing each other at that time). That was just a fling and what I have with him right now is a very serious relationship. It deeply disturbs him that I have done some things with his friend before that I'm also doing with him now. And he's hurt everytime he remembers. He reasoned out that past is past, but the issue is that I hooked up with someone he knew, and that's what matters. I wonder if his past relationships are the culprit of his insecurity and hurt because his exes cheated on him. Help!!! I love my boyfriend so much, and I would really want to work this out with him... Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
In reply to: ms_frost
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 7:02pm
I was once in this situation. My current boyfriend had slept with another girl one night after I had met him. Just like you and your boyfriend at the time were not dating, neither was my boyfriend and I at the time. Although the girl and I were not friends, that image of them kissing and being all over eachother still to this day sometimes jumps in my head. He regrets doing it since he and her were very, very drunk. He knew he made a mistake, and it took me awhile to accept that, and move on. I believe I had insecurities at this time as well.

It must be a little more difficult for your boyfriend to let go because he was friends with the guy that you hooked up with, which is understandable. However, I do belive that with time he will let go of this. You must continue telling him, if he keeps asking about it, that the fling meant nothing to you, you and your boyfriend at the time WERE NOT DATING, and that it IS in the past.

If he still doesn't let go after a long time, you might want to reconsider your relationship with him.

Hope this helps!

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ms_frost
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 7:02pm
ms frost...

If your b/f has had a few 'unsuccessful past relationships'---he's going to assume that the one he's currently in will END the same way! You can try to convince him that "it ain't necessarily so" (quoting George & Ira Gershwin)...but your affirmations won't guarantee that he'll believe you!

Why not ask him this question:

"Would it make you happier if I was completely out of your life? What happened in the past is history. You and I are what's happening today, tomorrow and maybe forever! We CAN'T have a relationship together if you don't believe it's solid! And the only way to do this is to stop going back to what has already happened. It's no longer important...because YOU are the most important person in my life now. I BELIEVE IN US...AND I NEED TO HAVE THAT SAME TRUST FROM YOU!"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: ms_frost
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 12:54pm
thanks, i know that eventually if he still can't let go i will have to think about letting go of him :( do you mind sharing with me what constant mindset do you have that helped you overcome the past? i mean, i've told him countless times that past is past, etc. but he still seems disturbed...

have a nice day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: ms_frost
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 12:56pm
thanks! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
In reply to: ms_frost
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 4:53pm
I guess I didn't really have one thing I was set on to help me overcome his past. I mean, I was technically there that night, and saw just about everything, which made it even harder for me, I must admit. I guess if I had to pick the one thing that helped a little is by telling myself over and over that we were not dating at the time. By telling myself over and over, I reminded myself that he never "cheated" on me (even though that's almost what it felt like) because we had only known eachother for a few weeks, and were nothing but friends at that time. What he chose to do were his actions (and regrets) and what you chose to do were your choices. So, stop trying to constantly apologize to him for your actions. I now realize how annoying that must have been for my boyfriend to constantly prove himself to me.

The more time that passes, the less he will remember the incident, and the less he will constantly bring it up to you (hopefully). As they all say, "time heals everything." And it really does. I know from experience. :)

Good luck!

C