abusive

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
abusive
5
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 9:48pm
I'd been trying to end a verbally abusive relationship for months now. For some reason the other party does not want to believe me that it's really over. He kept coming back thinking I still want him even after being told it's over several times. He has the 'cycle' and is verbally abusive by phone and email but not in person because by the time he sees me in person he wants sex. Nothing seems to sink into his head. Even when the relationship is over he continues to write and be abusive, his email seems like he still think there is still a relationship. How can I stop this? How do I completely get out of it? How can I protect myself from this? I tried court system and you will have to be dying before they do anything. I called other centers but they too are in the mercy of court. The thought of buying a gun comes to mind. I'm so frustrated and angry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: andesm
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 8:18am
Try contacting the police. Save the emails and print them out.

Change your phone number to an unlisted number and change your email address, the only behavior you can change is your own, if you eliminate ways for this person to contact you they will have no other choice but to go away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: andesm
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 10:13am
Yes, you need to stop this now! It will take patience and perseverence on your part. Start by making copies of all the emails and phone messages (if there are any). Then the NEXT TIME he calls (or writes), simply pick up the phone(copy and send a reply) and say, "please STOP calling me." If he continues to call once you have made that request, it is then LEGALLY harrassment!!! Then you call the police and tell them that you are having problems with this guy and A)you have asked him to stop calling/ emailing you B)want them to talk to him and C)want them to start a report on him. He is going to continue being this way with you because you lived with it up to this point and HE doesn't want this relationship to end.

Then you need to call the phone company and get your number changed and get a new email address. If he has a work address for you, ask your company to issue you a new one if possible. If they cannot, block his address from coming through. This all may mean that he shows up at your door, in which case, you may either want to stay with a friend, have a friend stay with you or move.

The next step is to look up a counsellor. They are cheaper than a pshychiatrist and are sometimes paid for by your employer- check that out if you have a benefit package at work. Also ask your friends for emotional support right now, it's hard to do this on your own! Remember, he is mad that you no longer want to put up with his behaviour. He may become more verbally abusive- putting you down to try to make you feel bad, and then saying that ONLY he loves you. These men DO believe what they are saying. Do not argue with him. WALK AWAY. You can tell him until you are blue in the face that you don't want him anymore, won't help. WALK AWAY.

If he comes to your house, keep your doors and windows locked at all times right now. If he comes there, do not let him in. Tell him you are on the phone to the police- and BE on the phone to the police. Tell him to leave. You need to tell the police that this man is harrassing you and may try to break into your home. Tell them if you are fearful for your life. Tell your neighbours that you are having problems with this guy- I can tell you my neighbour saved MY life when she heard me screaming!

Remember, you are not alone. You are a good person. You deserve a good life and a good relationship. I am proud that you recognized the pattern of this man's treatment and put an end to things. You have to keep that door shut to him- he will NEVER be a guy you can be friends with. Please be strong, we are here for you!

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2004
In reply to: andesm
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 1:53pm
I acted on it and everything is being documented right now. We have a non-profit group in the area giving me support. Thank you! This helps a lot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: andesm
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 7:16pm
Several years back I was in a similar relationship, however mine lasted for three years and we lived together. Basically when we broke up I moved three blocks away and he continued to come to my house, call me, etc for almost two years after we split up. He called once about a month after we broke up and said, "When are things going to stop being weird between us?" My reply was, never! We're broken up! It's supposed to be weird!

Anyway, because I never budged an inch, and resisted all of his physical advances, he eventually gave up on it. You need to be really firm with this guy and if he doesn't get the hint you might want to change your contact info or just plain ignore his contact. He'll get bored soon enough, trust me when he sees that your mind isn't going to change.

-Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
In reply to: andesm
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 8:01pm
Change your locks, your email and phone number. Don't meet him under any circumstances or respond to his calls or emails. Put a protection order against him.