the accidental snoop

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2005
the accidental snoop
5
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 8:45pm

i live with my wonderful boyfriend of 9 months who, about 6 months prior, had his heart broken by this girl. she really worked him over. he treats me like a queen, says i am the girl of his dreAMS, talks about marriage... we have a mature, happy, healthy relationship and i have told him i love him but he has not yet reciprocate. i am dealing with that ok, though it hurts. i really think he loves me but cant yet say it because he is afraid. we all are after being hurt so badly.

i know what your answer is going to be, but i will ask for input anyway. i was looking for a notebook for a class i am taking tonight and found a letter he wrote her but never sent (she was in iraq- just stopped all contact with him 6 months into her deployment). it was written one month before we met, and it was very sweet and wonderful. i wish it were to me, i wish he would say those things to me. there was a sad undertone, like he didnt know what happened but that it did not change how much he loved her, etc. i just want to know how to deal with the sadness of him not saying these things to me, and i hope that the things that have happened have changed the way he feels about her.

when we first started dating, i was insecure about her and asked a couple of times. the 3rd time i asked, he snapped at me ( the only time he has ever snapped at me). i have not mentioned her since. should i ask him if he is over her? he is leaving for iraq in november. thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 2:19am
I hate to say this, but he is still in love with his ex. She's hurt him badly, because she has rejected him, so now he's afraid to move on. He says things to her that he has not been able to bring himself to say to you. The fact that he blew up when you mentioned her is a red flag. He is being defensive, because he still has feelings for her. You seem like a really nice person and I hate to see you waste anymore time on this bloke. You can be absolutely wonderful to him, but you cannot make him "forget" about his ex unless HE chooses to.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 9:22am

To be fair he wrote the letter a month before he met you, he was of course sad, they had broken up, he loved her, of course his letter would be that way. You shouldn't have read it, it wasn't addressed to you and it's an invasion of his privacy. I would not tell him you read this letter, this is something he wrote to another woman when he was in a vulnerable state, do not tell him you read something that wasn't intended for you.

As far as you being sad, why??? He's in love with you, you have a wonderful relationship...break up with him and maybe he'll say those words to you. When people are sad and desperate the loving and sad words that you feel come pouring out. I mean come on, I think it's silly to make this about you. It's not.

Be thankful that you are in a relationship with a man that shows you he loves you. Stop reading his personal things that aren't addressed to you and appreciate the relationship you both have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 9:25am

I totally disagree he wrote the letter when he was sad and upset and he and the OP hadn't even met yet when he wrote it. He snapped at her because she was showing her insecurity, if someone asked you alot about a previous relationship you'd snap too, it's not fun to be hounded about previous relationships, it smacks of insecurity and neediness and who wants to deal with that.

I think if the op and her relationship was going bad and he was writing the letters now you may have something, but I think from what she wrote of the relationship that they have a good one, he's hurt, everyone is cautious after having their heart broken...I think the OP is really adding more stress to herself by thinking about this other woman and reading a letter not intended for her, added more stress. He's not doing it to her, she's doing it to herself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 12:37pm

I agree...the letter was written before they met, and the incident with him snapping was early on. Just because you don't want to talk about your ex with your new gf doesn't mean you're not over her!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 12:58pm
I think he's using her as the rebound girl. He can't tell her he loves her, but he can pour his heart on paper to his ex? If the letter was written one month prior to their meeting, then he most likely was not over his ex when he took up with op. Sorry peeps. It's just how I see it. I've been in her bf's position. I dated two guys (not at the same time) and it was not fair to them that I tried to have relationships with them when I wasn't over the ex. The first guy caught on right away and left in a huff. The second guy was just plain sad.

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