Addicted To A Loser

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Addicted To A Loser
13
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 11:31pm
I have been involved in an on-again-off-again-friends-with-benefits situation for a little over a year (more off than on). The thing is, he just disappears on me. Sometimes days, even weeks will go by with no word. The last episode lasted 37 days. Then on last Tuesday he calls and wants to see me. So, I go and we talk and he tries to initiate sex. Well I was able to resist and I tell him that it's not like that and I cant have sex with him anymore. He was actin like he was cool with it and we hung out and talked for a little and then all of a sudden he remembered he had somethin to do (YEAH RIGHT!!). I thought that was it and was certain that it would be awhile before I heard from him again but he called the next day and the day after that. He called me more last week than he has in the past 6 months. He was callin everyday and I was being so strong and it felt so good......then I gave in on Monday. He called, I was bored, I went over to watch a movie and it was all over. I WAS WEAK!!! We had sex and afterwards it was so awkward. He got all quiet and then he went into another room and came back talkin about his mom was coming home from work early (yes he lives with mom) and that he would call me later blah blah blah. I knew he was just tryin to get rid of me and I was glad to leave (not really) but I shouldnt have been over there in the first place so I gathered my things and left. I felt so bad that night I cried myself to sleep. I was doin so good without him and now I'm back to square one. I havent talked to him since then, he called yesterday and left a message but when I called him back he didnt answer and he hasnt called anymore after that. I feel like such a fool!! I had promised myself that I would never let him use me again and that 2006 was goin to be better (3 days to get it together). Now I sit here confused, checkin my signal, checkin my messages, waitin on him to call. I know what I need to do, I just dont know how. I know that if he calls again I will go see him. It doesnt matter if it's 1 day or a 100. Im addicted to a loser. HELP!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 6:53am

head_gamez...

Maybe you need to ask yourself if being with this...err....gentleman is more important than actually being in a serious relationship?

As long as you respond the way he wants...and he provides you with the sex you obviously want...this sort of arrangement can (and probably will) GO ON FOREVER?

Make no demands or ultimatums and the 2 of you can enjoy a "happy unbalanced life" when you're together!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 8:42am

This guy likes sex and the pursuit of sex with you. He's not much into a relationship.

If you block his calls, emails and texts you won't have to worry about this guy contacting you when he feels like it. 2006 can be stress free if you want it to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 4:35pm

Yikes. That's a bad situation you have yourself in there. I know it all too well and to be completely honest, the only thing you can do is stop talking to him. That is unless you want to keep putting your life on hold in the hopes that he will call and to continue to be used for sex whenever he wants it. Or if you think you can continue to just sleep with him every once in awhile and not be hurt when he vanishes for a month.

I really hope you don't want that.

You know that he's a loser, you said so yourself, so why are you wasting your time and emotions on him? He is using you and as difficult as it is, you need to cut all ties with him. When you denied him sex he kept calling and as soon as you gave it to him he disappeared. This is a vicious cycle and you're going to keep getting hurt until you end it. If he keeps calling then tell him how you feel! Let him know that you're not cool with this anymore. I promise you that you will feel so much better in the long run - this guy is only bringing you down...you deserve better than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 10:04pm

If you feel like you're addicted to a loser... a guy who

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:19pm

I think we were involved with the same guy! Ok, not the exact same guy, but the same situation. Please learn from me... the guy I was seeing that reminds me of yours ended up basically using me for 3 years. Well, I let him. Until I met his GIRLFRIEND. I had no idea she even existed, and he was telling me he wasn't wanting to be in a real relationship with anyone, etc etc just a day before. Once he got caught he wouldn't speak to me again. It hurt so bad, but thank goodness the cycle was broken.

Chances are he is using other girls, too. And even if not, you don't want to feel this bad every time you see/talk/have sex with him. It is time to break the cycle.

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 5:53am
Thanx ya'll. I know what I need to do but its gon be so hard to do it. I called him last night at around 8 and he wasnt home. At about 11 he calls me back and says "I was just returning your call." Ummm....hello?? returning my call!!!? He said that s**t like we had some business matters to discuss. Not the usual "Hey baby whats up?" I was shocked that he even called at all. The conversation lasted a whole 39 secs in which he ended by sayin that he would call me back. Why did he even waste his time callin me if he couldnt talk to me then??? ARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! He frustrates and confuses me so much. Anyhow he called back at like 1230a and I missed his call cuz my phone was on vibrate. I tried to call him right back as soon as i saw that he had called but nobody answered. Needless to say I didnt get to talk to him last night and now I sit here wondering if he'll call today. ((sighs)) I know it sounds pathetic but I really like this guy. If someone was to ask me why? I couldnt tell ya. His character is not good at all. He lies and manipulates to get his way. He is definitely not considerate of my feelings. Hell the only thing I can think of is how physically attracted I am to him, OH and lets not forget the awesome sex that makes me feel like crap the next day. I am really tired of feelin like this. I thank everyone for the advice given. Maybe if id read it earlier I wouldnt have even called him. Im gon do better today tho. Do ya'll think that I should just stop talkin to him with no explanation?? We hardly ever talk about our feelins to each other so im thinkin that if i tried to express my feelings and explain why, he probably wouldnt even care. I am gon need alot of support. I hope ya'll have my back.



Edited 12/30/2005 5:54 am ET by head_gamez
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 9:40am

Putting this man aside for a minute, you know he's crap, he doesn't treat you very well, exactly what is going on with you that is motivating you to dream about Mr. Loser?

You could be suffering from low self-esteem or personal issues that probably need to be addressed, otherwise you will be chasing losers for a long long time. Seek counseling or read some self-help books to gain insight. This loser-chasing is a symptom of a bigger problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 4:20pm

You're attached to this guy because he gives you attention.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 2:20pm
I agree with the previous posters. The only thing I might have to add is that even while you're deciding no more contact, you can still keep in the back of your mind that by some way-off chance something might work-out between you two in the distant future. A plane could fall out of the sky, too, but for me it lessened the sadness I felt at the finality of a relationship ending; it also allowed me to evaluate the relationship more objectively without feeling so distraught. It's kind of like procrastinating. Instead of telling yourself, "I'm never going to contact this guy again, or let him contact me" making it a battle of will-power, you can say to yourself, "I'm going to put-off calling this guy again, answering when he calls, calling him back, I may decide to unblock his number someday..." (Whatever degree of breaking-up you're comfortable with at the time. A lot of people in bad relationships have to leave several times. It can be a process, just don't feel guilty about it, learn from it). Procrastinate, that's easy. In other words, instead of denying yourself this guy you're really just deciding you don't want him that much, expanding your interests in other directions. It puts the power back into your hands; you decide where the relationship is headed. He obviously wants this power, but only to lead you on. Take the power back! It will feel good, I could guess, to have him chasing you again, and since you know what he's about, it should be pretty easy to not take his interest seriously.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 5:57pm

I have been there done that! I was in a "relationship" for about a year with a guy very similar to this. After a while, I finally decided I was done with it. I was tired of not being a priority in his life and not meaning anything at all to him other than a piece of a$$. I viewed it that he probably wouldn't have cared if I lived or died except for the fact he wouldn't have been getting any more sex from me. So I wrote him an email telling him all that and that I was looking out for me finally and I cut off all contact. In a weak moment, I called him once a few months later and hung up. He called me back but I didn't pick up and it felt good to not do so. I came to find out years later that he was dating someone else the whole time.

So what I suggest is taking it one step at a time. Tell yourself that you will not contact him at all for say a month. Even if he calls, let it go to voice mail, delete the message without even listening to it and DO NOT return the call. Do it for a month and then set your goal for another month. Before long, you will realize how little you need or want his negative presence in your life. But by taking small steps, and making short-term goals, it makes it more achievable. And like any goal you reach in life, reward yourself in some way when you reach each one. Get yourself something, get a massage, whatever. Something to make yourself feel better about yourself. Good luck, it's really, really, really tough to do this, but you need to and you know it.

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