Addiction issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Addiction issues
5
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 5:30pm
I've been seeing this guy for the last couple of months and hes really great. He had a shady past but hes past it all now. The only problem is that his distraction from worse things was smoking. I didnt think it would bother me as much as it does. Most of my family smokes and I have always hated but I didnt want to ask him to quit for me because we havent been dating that long and I didnt want to pass up a chance with such a great guy because he smoked. He cut back a lot after he met me, before we even started dating and he says he is trying to quit. He went 2 weeks without smoking while I was out of town because he promised he would and I was really proud of him and he was doing well. He would smoke maybe one every day or so after that... Until the other day when he smoked over half a pack in one day right in front of me. He said it was because he had a headache and smoking helps, though that may just be from withdrawl. I tried to be supportive but I can't watch him do it anymore. And he hates that I get upset when he does it. I dont want to nag, I know it doesnt help but I cant help it, it hurts a lot when he does it, especially in front of me. We've gotten in little tiffs before but this morning he had 2 before 10 am and I just couldnt help but be upset, especially after all the smoking he had done the day before in front of me. But this morning it was different. He got really upset, accused me of setting up an ultimatum, and I'm nervous now. He doesnt think that I should be upset, he thinks that I should get over it because its an "adult decision" he made and that I knew he smoked before we started dating. But he also knew it bothered me before we started dating and I was under the impression he was going to quit and it sounds like he might be changing his mind. He says now that he needs to smoke cigerettes and he refuses to try anything besides cold turkey. I think it sounds like a cop out so that he can "slip up" and smoke sometimes. I really really like him, I thought I loved him, but I find it hard to say it and mean it when I have to watch him do this to myself. What should I do? I'm totally lost.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 7:30pm

When you meet a man you need to learn to accept him as he is and not try to change him into what you want to be.

Either accept his smoking as part of him or move on and find yourself a non-smoker.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 9:27am

I think cigarettes are one of the hardest -- if not THE hardest-- addictions to recover from... harder than dope, booze, gambling and maybe even sex.

I only say that to remind you that your friend isn't smoking because he's just being stubborn. He's addicted.

The only thing you really can do is decide for yourself if you can stand to be with a man who smokes. And your decision shouldn't be based on his PROMISE to quit. To be with this particular guy means accepting that he's a smoker and that he may ALWAYS smoke.

Otherwise, you are perfectly within your rights to walk out because you can no longer tolerate the smoking. But it's not helpful nor effective to continue nagging him about it as long as you stay around.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 11:06am

Thats a tough one!
I had the same situation with my ex-husband. He was a smoker when I met him and although he said he wanted to quit, 10 years into the relationship he was still a smoker.
It became a major issue ... I wasnt a smoker and hated it.
It will become a greater problem if you move in together.
You need to come to terms with being with a smoker or else find someone who isnt.

I wish this was an easy fix but it isnt. I feel for ya!
Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 2:24pm

<< He doesnt think that I should be upset, he thinks that I should get over it because its an "adult decision" he made and that I knew he smoked before we started dating. >>

Hate to say it but ... he's right! Not that I support smoking, but ... he's right in that YOU made a decision to get involved with him knowing that he's a smoker. That means you either accept that ... or you don't. But, knowing what you know, it doesn't give you the right to nag.

What you may not realize about addictions is that, the more you nag, persist, attempt to convince, the more you are actually encouraging the person to continue in their habits and behaviors. Ironic? You bet! But, it is what it is.

I'm sure that the nagging and attempts to convince him to quit, etc are only because you CARE ... it's only coming from a place of concern. But, honestly, what you need to do is shut up about it (no offense) and let him handle it in his own way and on his own time. While you might THINK that you're being supportive, you're not.

If you cannot do that, you'd be best to leave relationship, while you don't have much invested (only 2 months?) That is, if you cannot accept him "as is."

And, I understand that it's hard ... because, he is not his habit. Therefore, you don't want to judge him as being a not a "good guy" because of his addiction. And though he may be a "good guy", he's a good guy with an addiction that you don't understand ... you don't "get it."

<< He says now that he needs to smoke cigerettes and he refuses to try anything besides cold turkey. I think it sounds like a cop out so that he can "slip up" and smoke sometimes.>>

He doesn't NEED to smoke cigarettes, only... the chemical dependency in his head is telling him that. This is true for any addiction.

Look, I had experience with an alcoholic ... and I can tell you first-hand that with ANY addiction ... the only person who can convince an addict to quit whatever it is that they are dependent upon is THEM! Not you or anyone else. Nor is your relationship motivation enough for him to quit. He has to WANT TO quit.

Secondly, as a former smoker, I can tell you first-hand that it is a very difficult habit to kick. I wasn't even a "pack a day" smoker (only a pack or two a week, perhaps a pack on the weekends). And, I only smoked on-and-off for about 7 years. So, when I say you don't "get it" ... I don't mean to be harsh ... but, truly you do not understand how hard it is to quit. He has to want to. Period. Oftentimes, knowing that you NEED to quit isn't even enough ... you have to really WANT to. That's true of any addiction.

<< But he also knew it bothered me before we started dating and I was under the impression he was going to quit and it sounds like he might be changing his mind. >>

Like I said, a relationship isn't necessarily enough motivation for a person to WANT to quit. They have to really want it from within themselves. He may have changed his mind. So be it. What you have to understand is that unless or until his will to quit is stronger than his will to smoke, that ... he will probably "change his mind" many, many times.

<< What should I do? I'm totally lost.>>

Either accept it or you don't. You knew this about him when you choose to get involved with him. So, you accept responsiblity for YOUR choices, just as he has to accept responsiblity for his.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 6:55pm

Cigarettes are very addictive. It is very difficult to break the nicotine habit.

You have said that he has a shady past. Could it be that he has been addicted to other substances? He probably wants to hold on to the cigarette habit because he can't stop 'cold turkey'. It's the only one that he has now. My brother had an alcohol addiction and was told by his doctor to stop because he has a heart condition. He is also addicted to cigarettes which he says, he won't stop because he needs something to help him get through the day. He was also fat and had to lose weight, so he had too much to deal with at one time.

If it bothers you and you get to the point where you can't stand it, you might want to move on. good luck