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| Sun, 10-10-2004 - 12:31pm |
Here's the history of our relationship: I first met her at my job where she started after me and, pretty much from the instant I saw her, I decided that I liked her--not just because she was beautiful, but more just from the way she acted: an irreverent sense of humor, strong personality, surprisingly endearing stubborn streak, and just a hint of sadness. Over the next five months I tried, usually with little in the way of actual success, to initiate a relationship with her. I got the usual laundry list of reasons why she wouldn't: she didn't want to date a co-worker, she didn't want a boyfriend, thought of me as more of a friend, etc. When I finally decided to ask her all out, she said no, but we then spent the next three hours talking to each other and made our first physical contact of any note (holding hands and rubbing legs). Thereafter, she told me that she loved me (and I reciprocated), then we started to sleep together (just sleeping) and then, about a week later, we things finally got serious. Still, despite the fact we were intimate, she didn't actually use the term dating until a couple weeks later. Our relationship thereafter was pretty successful, though certainly not calm: I had problems at work, we both had issues with school, I got sick, and I was neck deep in a social scene that I was desperately trying extricate myself from. Still, we managed to do quite well for a long time and we were both quite happy.
Then she and our boss got into a fight and the result was a nasty work environment and her quitting. It's at this point that things got a bit rougher. Though we still loved each other and were still very happy, she seemed to be stressed or annoyed about something, which, in turn, led her to become annoyed at me, which led to me being annoyed at her. Still, though she said she sometimes wondered whether or not we'd work, she still said she was happy.
Now the break up: the last weekend in August (we were going on seven months at this time) I took a vacation with my family for a week. The day I left we spent together and I thought made a lot of headway in resolving our problems and had a spectacular time afterwords, if you know what I mean. As she left, I remember we had one of the more passionate good-bye kisses that we ever had; we even did that looking over the shoulder thing that happens all the time in the movies. I say this because it seems odd in relation to subsequent events.
We kept in touch while I was gone, but she seemed somewhat distracted. Then, two days before I was to arrive back home, she called me, crying, and said that she was finding other people attractive and said that she thought it might be a good idea to take a break. I did my best to reassure her: just because we're dating doesn't mean we don't look at other people and find them attractive and that I would be all right with giving her the time she needs, as long as we keep each other appraised of where we were. That settled, I arrived back home, called her, and she told me she was having a party and asked if I could bring some beer. I did so and remained at the party until the end, where both of us were rather drunk. It was at that point that she said she didn't think we should be together.
Her reasons were: she loves me, but more as a friend than a boyfriend and that I shouldn't be in a relationship just for the support and the comfort of it. I was, understandably devastated and bawled my eyes out. We got together again the next evening where I tried to make a salient case why we shouldn't break up--though I was still so shocked that I probably didn't make the case as well as I could have--but she maintained that this was best and that I'd get over it--specifically that I "shouldn't glorify our relationship" and that I was being "melodramatic" However, she also said that she regretted nothing about our time together.
That same night--after we went to see a movie together--I made the mistake of smoking some pot. I'd never been that upset before, so I didn't realize that it would launch a massive panic attack--I was closed to walking over to the hospital. I decided that I had to call someone and chose my girlfriend. She was really good to me--I don't recall most of what I said, but it was probably rather frightening, I'd imagine--and said, again, that loved me, still wanted me in her life, and wanted to be there for me.
Now the post break up and my analysis: for the last month we've been, to varying degrees of success, trying to do the friend thing. The problems mainly lie in that she's been rather uncommunicative, meaning problems getting her to commit to meeting or getting her to call back, although she does have valid reasons: her phone was generally not working and she's incredibly busy semester and work schedule. Still, this bothered me: she's still my best friend and I feel like this friendship thing is rather one-sided at this point with me doing most of the work. I've brought this up to her and asked her if this is what she wanted or if she needed some time but she said that it wasn't just me she was doing this to, it was all her friends and then apologizes.
The analysis: well, after a month--a month I've been trying very hard to get over her--I've finally come to the conclusion that I really, really do love her and that this feeling is not going to go away anytime soon. Also, when we do actually get together we still have a lot of fun--the dynamic of the relationship still feels the same and seems the same except for the fact that it's not a "relationship" Similarly I'm also very worried about her: I asked her the other day if she was happy and she said that she was happy with school and work, but was mute on her personal life--I worry that she might be over-extending herself like I did last semester.
The big problem I have with the break up is that it's obvious we still have feelings for each other, it just seems like she's trying to suppress them. I've given her many opportunities to tell me to back off but she doesn't. I'm pretty certain at this point that the break up wasn't about us, but about her. Some pertinent biographical information on her: she was born out of wedlock--her father was a college professor and her mother was his student--her father died when she was 14, her mother cheated on her first step-father (a fact she brought up when we were breaking up), she lost her viginity at 16 to an 18 year old who was out of high school, her only other serious relationship was her 21 year old foster brother when she was an exchange student in Switzerland--a relationship that, from what she told me, seemed less than healthy, he even proposed to her--that lasted one year. In fact, I'm comparatively the youngest man she's ever been with, I'm only a year and nine months older than her. I'm wondering if the reason she felt she need to break up was because our relationship plateaued, which scared into thinking that it would end.
But that conversation will doubtlessly come. I'm just curious about other people's opinions on the matter, though, for the moment, I feel that the best thing for me, her, and us is for me to just be there for her--since I'm not ready to move on and, especially if it's really because she has issues with commitment, I want to show her that I will always be there for her. In the end, I just really love this girl and hope that this will work out for the both of us--we really make a great couple. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
| Thu, 10-14-2004 - 10:37am |
