Advice about Love... Plz!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2005
Advice about Love... Plz!
2
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 7:47pm

Hi!
I'm soooo confused! Hoping you can help clear something up.

I've been with a wonderful man for a year and a half now. It's a long distance relationship so we talk quite often and email a few times per week in which he ends the emails with "Love". He's very affectionate, sends gifts, calls and writes sweet letters. My problem is that he has only said "I love you" once, and whilst drunk on New Years (so I'm unsure if that even counts). I'll be visiting him on Valentines Day and am wondering if I should put some pressure on him OR myself to hear those words. So my questions are: 1. What is a reasonable time period for a couple to say OR not to say "I Love You"?
2. What does it mean that he has not said it sober? 3. Does it count if he was drunk?
4. Is NOT saying "I Love You" a sign that he doesn't?

Thanks Everyone Who Can Give Some Advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 8:26pm
What is more important to you... that he treats you well and you have a good relationship or that he says three words?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 8:37pm

I wouldn't think signing something "love" in this situation is indicative of anything but a social expectation.

Basically, you two are in a long-distance relationship. Those are like affairs. both of you plan and prepare to spend time impressing and pleasing one another...with the time spent together being totally bereft of all real life responsiblities and obligations.

That's an "affair". It's just that neither of you are married.

Most people engaging in long istance affairs - don't really want more involvement, intertwining, commitment or obligation than they have in the long-distance equation. They don't want someone to answer to every night, and consider equally in every way. If they wanted that - they'd date someone closer to them, wehre closer proximity could lead to a greater awareness of this individula as a person - not as an entity of pleasure and adoration and excitement.

So before you put the cart before the horse.....realize that forced or otherwise right now "I love you" is very likely NOT based on anyting but feelings. Feelings aren't facts, goals, calls to action, or tools of cognition.

So he's signing things with "love" out of politeness, he's your "lover". You two are having a sexually intimate dating relationship.

But the only time he's said the words - he was blitzed and he realistically by social standards can't be held accountable for that to mean anything in terms of obligation or requirement other than "blitzed blather".

You could hold people to a standard that says "mean what you say, say what you mean" - but if that's realistic is determined by their character and how often they hold themselves to that standard in any situation - not just your expectation of that standard being held when in regard to you.

So I'd say before you get too excited about "possibilities" - find out waht it'd take to relocate to a closer proximity - what types of sacrifices and compromises it''d take not to be cohabitational - but at least to be more locationally compatible. So that you could see one another on a more regular, less planned basis, and get to know this person outside of rehearsed interaction.

Then, decide if you love him for who he is - or for the attention he pays you, and what a relationship represents to you if you can get him in one.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com